Kick my ass!

Alice came to the fork in the road.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I apologize for my absence on the blog for the last couple of weeks. I have come to a fork in the road. I have no idea where I am going....or why I am trying to get there....or why I am so resistant to getting there. I have lost my way. I am so frustrated with all of my efforts and exercise....and getting fatter and fatter and fatter! UGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! I like to use this blog to inspire others and to motivate you all to try something new...not give up. But, over the last three weeks I had given up on myself! I am totally out of control and I am not moving AT ALL!

In fact, I have actually discovered what the bottom of the barrel tastes like.In my case, the bottom of the barrel tastes like 2 pieces of birthday cake and half of a home made butterscotch pie. I just got back from a visit home and I made a total pig of myself! I was shoving treats down into a big bottomless barrel....AND I licked the bottom. I don't even like store bought vanilla cakes and the 4" thick icing....but I ate 2 big ass slices icing and all. I felt sick as hell after I ate it...but moved on to that incredibly ridiculous delicious butterscotch pie. Sadly, I think I could have ate 2 of them by myself. I am out of control...totally. I have not exercised or followed any kind of diet or healthy eating since I returned from my ski trip. I cannot tell you why...I do not have an excuse. I have even gone so far as to drive to the gym and drive right back home without going into the gym at all. I simply did not want to go.I didn't have the will to get out of the car.

I am quite frustrated because I cannot even fake an excuse. I have a great life. No major crisis going on. The best excuse I can come up with is a nasty case of the winter blues...SAD...seasonal affective disorder. I have not been officially diagnosed but I swear it has been a chore to get out of bed and dressed over the past couple of weeks. Thankfully I have a friend who does not take "no" for an answer. She asked me to go night skiing last week...I hummed and hawed....and she said "I will pick you up in a half hour be ready!" I had a great time and got outside to exercise...and topped the night off with some great laughs, deep fried onion petals and ice cold beer! MMMMMMMM! This is the same gal pal who owns my step dogs...she lets me pretend that I am a step parent when we walk them! She does not take no for an answer on dog walking days either! Thank goodness I have an asskicker! Thank you thank you thank you!

After my big pig out this week end....or any thought of a pig out in the future...I should call upon my ass kicker. I need a direction, I need a plan, I need a schedule. I must get my butt in gear and get out there and have some of those crazy experiences that you all love to read! I have a mini triathalon to get ready for! I am not backing out of that goal...my asskicker wouldn't allow it anyway...in fact she would KILL me at the mention of such foolishness! I am going to get rocking...back on track ...no ifs ands or (kicked) butts!


Lynn
;)

Chairway to Heaven

I am shocked that I not only can ski...but that I really LOVE to ski. I didn't start off too good. The first time I ever went skiing, was with my grade 12 advanced Phys ED class. Now, those who know me are giggling because I am not your typical advanced Phys Ed class kind of gal. In fact, I had to beg the teacher Mr. Jones to let me in the class. I convinced him that he would be responsible for my outlook on physical fitness for the rest of my life...he bought it hook, line and sinker. The real reason I wanted in the class was because it was a fun bird course, got me out of a hellish advanced biology course...and the class was full of HOT GUYS! Mr. Jones made me swear NO EXCUSES would be tolerated from me. I was all in or out! So, in I was!

The first quarter of the class involved swimming. That was a breeze for me because I have been swimming since I was 3 years old. One day, Mr. Jones took some of my class mates beneath the pool to look through the port holes in the deep end. I swam down and waved crazily at my friends in the port hole. Mr. Jones had a BIG dumb smile on his face and my friends looked mortified! I didn't know what their problem was...they kept waving frantically for me to go away! Then, in horror...I understood. My boobs (which are large and lovely) had sprung themselves free of my bathing suit!!! Yes, that's right...I flashed my grade 12 Phys Ed teacher. I wanted to die of embarrassment!I did get an A+ in that class though!

The next quarter of the class involved running. I was NEVER a running kind of gal. My gig was to run along at the back of the pack...take a short cut through the woods....sit and have a smoke until everyone ran by me...and then come in the back for a grand finale. Not bad...I managed a 15 minute mile with a smoke break in the middle....and most of the mile cut out of the distance. One day, Mr. Jones announced we were going to run an extra day that we were not supposed to. I told him I could not run as I needed an extra bra (for my large and lovely breasts). Back in those days there wasn't all those fancy bras for running. Mr. Jones quickly reminded me of my NO EXCUSE clause and he made me run. I ran...and ended up tearing my right tit. Yes, you read it right...I ripped my right tit. It was hanging WAY long like past my waste band and hurt like hell. I had to go to the ER and I ended up with a boob wrap and antibiotics for a week. My mother wrote an excuse for Mr.Jones as I was not allowed to run for 2 weeks. It read " Dear Mr. Jones, lease excuse Lynn from running for the next 2 weeks inclusively as yesterday she ripped her tit during the run". I wanted to die of embarrassment! With the same big dumb smile as the pool porthole fiasco...Mr. Jones told me at the 10 year reunion that he had that excuse framed and it was proudly displayed in his recreation room.

Then, we went downhill skiing as a class. I was one of only a few who did not drop acid. For those of you unfamiliar with the term...I did not take the LSD like others on the bus. The ones who took the acid did an amazing job at skiing. They went to the top, tucked and flew down the hill laughing all the way! I did not fare so well. I got the purple dot required to go on the big chair...but fell at the top...could not get up and ended up being taken down the hill by snow mobile...after it took 3 beefy men to pick me up! I was too weak. I cried all day in the lodge. I was so embarrassed. It was even more embarrassing that Paulo from the Philippines who had never touched or seen snow ever in his life skied just fine! I wanted to die of embarrassment!

So, years later when I was invited by a fellow nurse to go skiing...I have no idea what happened but I instantly said yes! I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I went...but her patient teaching methods and my performance made me fall in love with the sport. Skiing also turned out to be a great bonding time for new friends. When I first moved to my new town, I hooked on to a new group of friends to ski. I was NOT good at it for many years....in fact, I ususally was the entertainment in the group with my @#%$&'d ski methods. I have some pretty crazy moments and stories to tell about those days too! One of my favorite was going with group of health care professionals....taking on ski jump like I was a pro...which I was NOT...flying in the air really high...having a ridiculous look of shock on my face...landing with a very loud thump...having the wind knocked out of me...and none of the health care professionals asking if I was OK...because they were all laughing hysterically...totally out of control hysterical laughter. One Respiratory Therapist almost peed his pants...and still giggles every time he sees me 15 years later! To this day, anyone in the group will laugh out loud at the mention of my ski jumping talent (or lack thereof).

Now, fifteen Years later, I am skiing black diamond runs and I am still amazed to be doing it. I am still not great...I won;t be getting any medals anytime soon...but I LOVE it! My teeth hurt because I smile all the way down to the bottom. The scenery takes my breath away. Sometimes I giggle like a school girl....alot of times actually. I almost feel like I could reach out and touch a cloud or heaven when I am at the top of a mountain. It is always surreal to me...never boring or taken for granted. I wish for everyone a sport or hobby or something that gives them a heavenly feeling like this!

I finally realized, my task was not to figure out the one answer but to learn how to live...
—Marjorie Williams

Lynn
;)