Grocery Store Rage

I used to enjoy grocery shopping. It is one of the few times where you are away from the phone, internet, and other daily distractions that prevent you from thinking straight. I used to enjoy taking my time...wandering the aisles...clearing my thoughts....hanging around in my own little world....but then....some IDIOT...invented the 'kiddie-mini-grocery-cart'. I am not talking about the carts that look like race cars with steering wheels....where children are properly restrained directly below their mother's bosom. I am talking about those damned little grocery carts for kids...the world's best baby sitter....for unruly children to run rampant throughout the store...and terrorize everyone else but their oblivious ignoramus parents.

I am a creature of habit. I have my own little routine that I have followed religiously since I became an 'adult' and had to buy groceries for myself. I need to stick to this routine...otherwise I forget things. One day....on my way through the produce aisles...all I can hear...and everybody else can hear...is the non-stop high pitch squealing of some mindless woman blabbering:
JACOB!jacob...JAcob,JAY....COB!!!!jacob...JACOB...JAYCOB....jaCOB...jacob...jacob,jacob, jacob...JACOB....JAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYCOB...JAYCOB...jacbob...JACOB....jacob...you get the picture...this would carry on aisle-after-aisle-after-aisle. It didn't even matter if you were an aisle ahead....or an aisle behind....the entire store was held hostage...involuntary voyeurs to BAD parenting! This little 'angel' was given free-range...like the expensive boneless chicken...to run amok with that damned kiddie cart...running into displays and other shoppers as he pleased...while mommy from hell mindlessly hollered on...not even looking in his general direction...living in her own little world....destroying the world of everyone else!

It is times like these that I am grateful that nobody can see a ticker tape screen on my forehead of exactly what I am thinking. I was totally understanding road rage at this point...grocery store RAGE! I was thinking of pulling a Patrick Swayze roundhouse...you know...that backwards circular kick into the air where I would knock the mother's head right off her shoulders? I imagined the floor opening up like a trap door and swallowing that ill-behaved tot with the kiddie cart right into the bowels of the earth....never to be seen again. I imagined a whole bunch of little vignettes that involved the demise of that moronic mother...or child custody workers taking the kid....to save him from an almost certain life in prison or as a heroin addict...or serial killer...but instead...the terrorizing saga continued...JACOB!jacob...JAcob,JAY....COB!!!!jacob...JACOB...JAYCOB....jaCOB...jacob...jacob,jacob, jacob...JACOB....JAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYCOB...until I LOST it in the coffee aisle.

The same IDIOT who invented the kiddie cart...obviously placed the coffee bean crushing machine at toddler-eye level in aisle number 8. While 'mother of the year' was relaxing at the greeting cards for a little light reading....Jacob the Terrible...proceeded to flick the switch...and create a mountain of fine ground coffee beans all over the floor. I am not kidding...the coffee mound was at least a foot tall. I SNAPPED....and I admit I was inappropriate....but not as inappropriate as I wanted to be. I grabbed on to Jacob's hand and said..."let's go see Mommy JACOB"....He happily grabbed my hand (which is frightening unto itself) and proceeded to visit with Mommy. I tapped her on the shoulder and asked...."Does THIS JACOB Belong to You???????" She appeared confused at first...seeing how she would have no idea what Jacob actually looked like...and how on earth would a total stranger know her kid's name?? I proceed to say..."if you want to bring up a MONSTER...that is totally your business...BUT...much to my chagrin...it has become my business...since you have decided to terrorize the ENTIRE grocery store with your precious little JACOB!"

She was outraged with me...enough to grab onto little Jacob's hand and storm out of the store. Two women applauded...several others mouthed "thank you!" as I proceeded on with my quest for groceries...with a victorious smile on my face....and absolute silence until I reached the check out.

“When you left your home, you deprived the village of it's idiot”-anonymous

Lynn
;)

Lady Golfers ROCK!

No one is more shocked than me to learn that I am now a Lady Golfer! My husband has been an-over-the-top golf enthusiast for years now...and he has pestered me near to death to take lessons. So, in attempt to make him happy...less about me...I went to the Atlantic Golf Academy on PEI last week...never swung a golf club in my life...except to get the ball through those damned windmills! In fact, I was such a golf virgin I was wondering where the friggin' windmills on the 18th hole were! LOL!

So, Tuesday last...I met up with my personal instructor "Montague Lou" and started on my new adventure! With absolutely no expectations...I did remarkably well!I was amazed at how well I seemed to 'get it'. Now, mind you...Tiger Woods will not be shaking in his boots worried about me on his heels...but I really 'connected' (pun intended) with the game. By the end of day 2...I had my own set of golf clubs,golf shoes, little pink tees and pink balls, bag boy golf cart, little glove...and a visor of course!

On Thursday, hubby and I joined the local driving range...and I again I remained surprised every time I hit a golf ball....a fair distance (about 100-120 yards) straight up the middle! Then, on Friday...we hit the local par 3 course. For those of you who are not golf enthusiasts...this is the 'baby-starter' course. I will not be 'allowed' (as per hubby) on the BIG BOY course for a while. We did the last 9 holes...and I was proud as punch with how I did! All of this 'shock' and 'bewilderment' goes all the way back to high school when our advanced phys Ed class played golf for a semester. My teacher offered me a 75% to set the club down and sit out for the remainder of the term....this was following a near fatal blow to a classmates head with a wayward ball. So, in traumatic fashion...I buried this belief in the back of my brain that I cannot do it...ever again. Imagine my surprise when no birds, rodents or golf instructors were injured during my learning process!

So, on my last day off...I got all geared up and headed out to the driving range on my own. I absolutely LOVED it! Imagine the stress relief of smacking the hell out of balls for an hour! Then, last night...a great friend joined hubby and I for the 'back 9'...that's big time golf lingo you know! Last night was such a blast! Again...I did quite well..and played much better with the encouragement (and empathy)of 2 people. Thanks to Sonja...hubby did not walk off the course with one of my new lady golf clubs bent in the shape of his head!LOL!

So, here is the most amazing part. I went to Weight Watchers to get weighed yesterday. I approached the scales with trepidation as I did not track what I ate...except I did eat Deluxe French Fries and Fish, a Fudge Brownie Blizzard and many other infarcts throughout the week. I was shocked to discover I had lost 3 pounds! Can you imagine how well the weigh-in would have went had I followed the WW plan? I am beside myself with joy! I tried something new and intimidating to me. I actually LOVE it...and I am losing weight having fun! Imagine that!

I am not advocating that everybody run out and invest in golf clubs and a membership by any means. I AM advocating adventure...trying new things...even if you are scared...or doubtful. I tried something new...and lucky me I LOVE it. Plus I get incredible advantages such as stress relief and exercise and weight loss. This beats doing the exact same routine everyday. I have now discovered a whole new side to myself....patience, persistence, adventurous...to name a few. Golf (my new adventure...not necessarily yours) has given me a sense of accomplishment....a new social sport to participate in with friends and outdoors all day...or by myself at the driving range....either way...I would never have known if I hadn't tried it! Life is either one big adventure or nothing at all.

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”-Andre Gide quotes

Lynn
;)