IGNORANUS

An IGNORANUS is a person who's both stupid and an asshole.

My first experience with an IGNORANUS that I can recall was when I was just a young girl...about 12 years old. I was quite fit and active...just had a little baby fat. One day at the beach...a man from my church (an adult...and I say that sarcastically) came out of the water...looked at me amongst all of my girlfriends and said “ I thought the water line went down!” (meaning since I got out of the lake). I said “of course it did...you and your big mouth just got out!” Sadly, this first IGNORANUS experience has permanently scarred me...is tattooed on my brain as if it happened yesterday.

I have written about his before...the nightmare of being a fat chick at a buffet table at any social gathering of any kind. My parents always eat a meal before going to any sort of social gathering and they will not approach the food table or eat one single morsel in public...ever. I have always thought this to be a really sad outlook on things...I actually told my Dad he was being foolish. He said “people stare and point and comment on everything we (big beautiful people) put in our mouths.” How sad is that?

My parents are built like me...or I guess I should say I am built like them...we are tall and big stock (except my vertically challenged sister)...we are all a little thick around the middle...but we do not need a crane to extract us from the house in case of emergency! So...imagine my chagrin...as each and every social event I have ever attended since...showed my Dad’s philosophy on fat people eating in public to be tragically 100% accurate!

Unfortunately, my sister Lori has been victim to ignorant assholes as well. She has a mid calf amputation. You would never know it...because she climbs mountains...and the word CAN’T is not in her dictionary. Lori rarely uses her disabled parking pass. Once in a while, her stump gets ulcers and it becomes too painful for her to walk…so she’ll use it to park then...and only then. One day, she and her girlfriend were getting out of her car to go into a store...and some jackass...a total stranger...screamed...”I DIDN’T KNOW BEING FAT WAS A HANDICAP!” Excuse me??? I can’t even comment on that one...but I can say Lori’s friend almost had a stroke…and immediately started a starvation diet.

Another time...a high-and-mighty-big-assed-nosey-female IGNORANUS ran up to my sister’s car as she pulled into a disabled parking space...tapped on the window and said “YOU DON’T LOOK HANDICAPPED TO ME!!!” My sister very casually replied,”OH... REALLY?”and she quickly shoved her stump out the car window...shook it in her face...and said “WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS?” We both squeal in laughter every time Lori tells me about the look on this idiot’s face! Sometimes when I am feeling down...I will give Lori a call and beg her to repeat the story about the look of horror on that woman’s face and swiftly running away screaming!

Last week, I went to a social event that offered light fair...jumbo shrimp, bacon wrapped scallops cheeses, meats, veggie trays, sandwiches and some chicken wings.So, I had a little saucer with about 6 finger sized jumbo shrimp and a little seafood sauce...with my wee glass of wine. My stepson had his plate piled...a hungry growing boy...a handsome and skinny boy. My tiny perfect husband also had a plate full of goodies.There were about 100 people digging away at their appetizers...and then...like a dark thunderstorm cloud rolling in...some big-tall-beer-gutted IGNORANUS decided to darken my world and rain on my parade. He nudged my husband...pointed at my plate...and boasts loudly above the music...HOLY CRAP DOES SHE LIKE HER SHRIMP OR WHAT?????? WTF? I was flabbergasted...he was a total stranger!!! I have since learned that this man was a highly respected educator in the community...exposed to kids!

Even if I did physically resemble ORCA the killer whale(which I do not)...what the hell are people thinking when they do this? Do they actually get a high from it? I just don’t get it. I would never...under any circumstances make fun of someone for anything. Now I know people would say...just ignore it...don’t listen to that idiot...he’s not worth the energy...but that is not how it works in reality. It hurts and burns to the core...just like having your ass branded. I did feel pretty in my little cotton denim dress and hot lime jacket...but after the comment...I felt like an ugly and obese pig face...runny snout, pot belly and all. I wanted to scream at him...punch him in the face. I answered… “Well you are ugly...at least I can diet!” It was all I could do...not to cry my eyes out!

Rationally I know my emotional reaction is absurd...but it doesn’t matter. I wanted the floor to open up and suck me in...I wanted to go home...I wanted to scream a barrage of obscenities at that ignorant bastard. Is this really any different than going up to a blind person and saying…na…na…na…na….na…. you CAAAAAAAANNNNNNN’T see!!! Ha, ha…you are blind as a bat…..hey gimpy….you are missing a limb!! Oh my God your nose is big! Or…I hope you are pregnant! I wish I could say this is an isolated incident...but sadly...I’ve been an involuntary victim at each and EVERY social event that involves food of any kind. How on earth is this possible in this day and age? So, from now on...I will eat before attending any more events to save myself from any more IGNORANUS.


The most violent element in society is ignorance. ~Emma Goldman

Lynn
;)

Everthing I ever needed to know, I learned in kindergarten

I have just received news that my kindergarten teacher Mrs. Meaghan has passed away. I am devastated at the loss...and I am flooded with very warm and fuzzy memories. This woman had such a tremendous impact on hundreds of children lives over a 45+ year-teaching span...including my brother, sister, me, my 2 nieces, and my nephew...just under the line before mandatory kindergarten came into play and ended an era.

Mrs. Meaghan's kindergarten class was amazing! It was the most amazing place! She had a way of making each child feel like they could rule the world...or at least I felt that way. We learned the alphabet...how to print... how to tell time, how to tie our shoes...and manners of course! I had a MAJOR hard time getting a grip on tying my shoes. I just couldn't get it. After shoe tying lessons...poor Freddie Frigault (my little French boyfriend in the black and green plaid coat)...tied his own shoes with ease...and had the audacity to shoot me a smug and smirky look...like "I know something you don't know". I was fit to be TIED(pun intended)!!!!!!!! Unfortunately for Freddie...he gave me the shoe- tying-demonstration at the top of the stairs...I believe if memory serves me correctly...I smacked the hell out of him...tried to push him down the stairs...and stormed off in a psychotic rage. On kindergarten graduation day...Mrs. Meaghan put me in the back row for the ceremonies and the pictures (I am the blonde babe in the very back left hand corner).I had no idea that it was because of our height...I marched right up to Mrs. Meaghan and informed her that I was NOT back row material! I WAS BEYOND UGLY!!!! I can assure Maybelline there is no such thing as 'maybe she's born with it"... I was BORN with it!

I do not remember who the gal was in our class who thought she was going to have Randy as a boyfriend (he is the other tiny little brown boy in the yellow turtle neck and Enrique Suave plaid suit and vest!)....but I do remember pushing her the hell out of my way...and plunging myself down beside him. I adored him...forced the poor bugger to kiss me (much to his obvious displeasure)...same as poor Freddie (an involuntary victim of my affection)...I wanted both...and my cake and theirs too! I planned to marry both boys...and we would all live happily in a tree house! Thank goodness for 5-year-old innocence....as I was later devastated to learn Randy was my cousin....placed in a seat beside me due to the alphabetical order (same last name)...oops!

Who would have thought sugar cookies and red Kool Aid could taste so amazing? Or how about that "Chef-Boy-R-Dee spaghettios"/wonder bread combo? She used to grill the bread in the oven with orange cheese and some fresh oregano or basil or something fresh and green on it. I have tried this combination many times since...but they never tasted the same as Mrs. Meaghan's magical afternoon snacks. I remember a little cork board in a small wooden frame with a tiny hammer attached by a string...and various wooden shapes to nail on....a large piece of art paper with a glued-on-flower-pot made out of red construction paper. The entire class painted their 5-year-old version of a flower bouquets...popping out of those construction paper pots...she proudly posted these priceless objets d'art all over the walls of the room for graduation day...you'd think it was the Louvre for the way she beamed over them.

One of my favorite days ever was the day Santa Claus came to visit. I could NOT believe Santa personally came to Mrs. Meaghan's kindergarten class! Just when I thought it couldn't get any better...in he came with a big red bag and some belly bottom Ho Ho Ho's!!! I already thought she walked on water....but then this too? HOLY @#$%! As you can probably imagine....there was a roomful of wonder-struck 5-year-olds with mouths wide open and eyes popping out of our heads! "Santa" (we are now on a first name basis) called me up to sit on his knee...reached into that big red bag... and gave me a shiny new story book, some crayons AND a coloring book. I thought Mrs. Meaghan was the best thing since the Crayola-multi-colored-crayon pack came out(that was a 20 pack instead of 5),with the crayon sharpener right in the box!!! She put the color into my life!

Some 45+ years later....all of Mrs. Meaghan's 'kids' still reminisce about their days in Mrs. Meaghan's kindergarten class....with wide toothed grins. I was fortunate to cross paths with Mrs. Meaghan many times since my big graduation day 35+ years ago. I was able to tell her that I loved her...adored her...and owed many of my successes in life to her extraordinary talent...I told her she was the BEST kindergarten teacher in the whole wide world! I loved her...everyone LOVED her...we still do. Thank you Mrs. Meaghan...for teaching me everything I ever needed to know in life...in kindergarten!

If I Could Teach You, Teacher

If I could teach you, teacher,
I’d teach you how much more
you have accomplished
than you think you have.
I’d show you the seeds
you planted years ago
that are now coming into bloom.
I’d reveal to you the young minds
that have expanded under your care,
the hearts that are serving others
because they had you as a role model.
If I could teach you, teacher,
I’d show you the positive effect
you have had on me and my life.
Your homework is
to know your value to the world,
to acknowledge it, to believe it.
Thank you, teacher.

By Joanna Fuchs

Lynn
;)
P.S- Special thanks for the picture Jennifer Dunlap Goostrey! You ROCK!