What did I do to deserve this?

I went to see a clairvoyant a couple of weeks ago. He told me that I am incredibly fortunate because I am surrounded by an army of soul mates. According to Wikipedia, a soul mate is ‘a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility.’ For some absurd reason...I truly believed that I was already pushing my luck to have the extraordinary experience of marrying my true soul mate for life...let alone being surrounded by many others! What did I do to deserve this?

My husband and I are cut from the same cloth; he is my perfect match and absolute best friend on this planet. I truly believe that he is carrying one half of my soul and holding it up to the sun for the entire world to see... and simultaneously guarding it fiercely. I know finding your life soul mate is a rarity...and in having one...I know I also have much to lose! I feel that my life is unbelievably blessed. In fact, I feel so fortunate that I live in sheer terror every day because of it. The clairvoyant went on to explain that soul mates are not only lovers...but also may be ordinary people sent to us to teach us extraordinary life lessons.

My self esteem and soul have been literally put through the wringer over the last couple of years. I took the chance of a lifetime and ventured out of a very comfortable and confident environment into the unknown...from the world of nursing into the world of business...and from a personal growth perspective...things did not work out for me. For the first time in my life...something did not come easy and I could not cope with it; I never had to before...I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I had the wind kicked right out of my sails...and then the sails were slit with a knife...and then shit and pissed on by a rogue pack of dogs...and then trampled on by a pack of elephants...you get the picture. I was beaten down to a pulp...focus lost, afraid, feeling worthless and tired. To add insult to injury...I was surrounded by some people who ‘get off’ on inflicting pain on others...on kicking them down until they can no longer even consider getting back up...make them spit blood and a tooth out...and then kick them down again until the victim is toothless...then break the dentures...you get the picture.

The ‘they’ that I refer to are a heartless string of evil people that I encountered in the business world...not just one person...but many...one-after-another-after another. ‘They’ can smell ‘insecurity’ and ‘they’ grin from ear to ear while ‘they’ pound the last ounce of piss and belief out of you...until all that is left is a tremendous and overwhelming sense of self doubt. The only way ‘they’ can feel big is to make others feel small...and I kept inviting them in! For some reason unbeknown to me...I continued to put on my game face...and eagerly walked right into the perpetual shit-kicking every day for four years...believing that some day it would all work out in the end...some day it would get better...but it didn’t...it got worse. I let it get the best of me....and I wasted so much time! You see...soul mates can be evil too...and it took me more time and bad lessons than I would like to admit to learn my lesson. The lesson was simple...why does a dog lick it's balls? Because it can! But instead of sticking up for myself...and telling these people to drift before any damage was done...I just kept sitting there wondering....day after day...asking for more shit sandwich please.......wallowing in self pity...what did I do to deserve this?

My entire life I have been able to float from group to group...person to person...and seamlessly integrate myself into any situation. I could eat lunch with the Queen of England...and party with a biker gang on the same day! I prided myself on being a chameleon...I participated in multiple life adventures...I could quickly sense a common bond with anyone...’change my colors’ and go with it...making everyone along the way feel good about themselves. The down side to this ‘talent’ is never really belonging anywhere...a square peg in a round hole...alone in a crowd...and profound loneliness. In the end, I was all-consumed by this negative experience...why was this happening to me? I felt myself to be too ‘strong’ to ask for help...to accept help...I felt unworthy and helpless. I near let myself drown before accepting the outstretched hands that were there all along. There they were...my beautiful soul mates...my gal pals...waiting patiently to pick me up and dust me off. What did I do to deserve this?

Until just recently, I did not pay any attention to these blunt messages in the form of soul mates being sent my way...in fact, I kept on inviting in the evil ones and I batted the beautiful soul mates away like flies! I was being sent soul mates left and right...with messages loud and clear...but I could not hear them. I am constantly surrounded by people encouraging me to write a book...tell a story...they want to hear what I have to say. Why do I continue to doubt myself...why am I so scared? I have a friend discover she has breast cancer...another thyroid cancer...another endured a near death experience...what was God trying to tell me? All of these messages were clearly telling me life is too short...you cannot count on tomorrow...you cannot waste another minute. Why wouldn’t I listen? Why couldn’t I hear it? There are no tickets for sale in the ‘lottery of life’. I am not going to win the ‘life-lottery-sweepstakes’ and suddenly wake up 100 pounds lighter tomorrow with an over stuffed bank account a published book and a ‘perfect life’. Despite these life altering experiences...they all continued to encourage me to write my book...to speak publicly...to put myself out there. Who would have thought that my life passion could be easily handed to me by an otherwise casual observer? Who would have thought that ‘soul mates’ could see me better than I could? They all took time out of their precious lives...and looked past their own personal battles to tell me that they believed in me! The least I could do in return is clean the shit out of my ears...and listen to the whispers of my soul mates...and believe in myself. In absolute awe of this overwhelming support and encouragement, I asked one of my newest found soul mates "What did I do to deserve this?" She was exasperated with me and answered..."You were born... dumb ass!"

‘I have seen and met angels wearing the disguise of ordinary people living ordinary lives.’ (Tracy Chapman).

Lynn
;)

BEEEEEEEG LOUD BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

Just over a decade ago, my husband and I went diamond ring shopping before getting engaged. He wanted to see what I liked...I wanted control over what I was going to wear on my finger for the rest of my life. (This may come as a surprise to those who know me, but I happen to be a control freak.) So, we sauntered into THE local jewelry store in town to peruse the goods. Our plan was simply to see what I liked...point out a style of a diamond ring or two...and then hubby would make the ultimate decision and ‘surprise me’ with a pre-approved ring someday. It most certainly did not go as I had planned.

In my opinion, ‘THE’ jewelry store in our area has no competition. Their jewelry selection is superior to all...for half of the price. It is owned and managed by a local Greek family. I believe all of the employees are members of THE FAMILY. The store itself stands alone in an ‘out of the way’ location. There is high security there...mirrors, cameras and guard dogs in the main office. You have to push a button to be buzzed in and buzzed out. This high-security-level has sparked a rumor that this family-run store is affiliated with the mob...and to be perfectly honest… I don’t care if the rings have been chopped off of dead woman’s fingers because their jewelry is gorgeous with good prices!

We went straight to the diamond ring section and started looking through the glass cases filled with various styles of rings. I zeroed right in on the solitaires...because in my heart of hearts...I have always wanted a diamond solitaire ring. As I was leaning over the display case looking at the rings...the larger-than-life matriarch of the Greek family approached us and asked if she could assist us. My hubby said ‘we are looking for a diamond ring for our engagement’...and I excitedly pointed out a solitaire ring that I wanted to see up close. She looked at my selection…leaned back and crossed her arms across her huge bosom and said “NO”. I didn’t think she understood...so I said “oh yes...I want to see that diamond solitaire ring right there”. She leaned forward to speak...as if I did not hear her the first time and in a very thick Greek accent she said “NO...I say NO!” Now just in case I was hard of hearing...or possibly deaf...or partially retarded...she also shook her head in a defiant manner and waved her finger back and forth making a letter ‘Z’ in the air...changing finger directions in the air with each word...”NO” (across the top...”I SAY”...(back in the opposite direction)...“NO!” (Snappily finish off the air Z in Zorro-esque fashion). My jaw dropped...I did not know how to react to this....I started to wonder if I was on candid camera!

The larger-than-life big momma of the family leaned in very close to me, pointed her larger-than-life finger at my chest and quite loudly proclaimed..."You are NO TINY”…she opened her arms really wide and continued “YOU BEEEEEEEG...LOUD….BEAUTIFUL WOMAN...so you need...BEEEEEEEG...LOUD...BEAUTIFUL RING!” I meekly replied...”BUT...I wanted a solitaire”...and she loudly cut me off and once again and said “I SAAAAAAAAAAAAID NO!” She picked out the tray of trinity rings and said “You PEEEEEEEEEEEEICK ONE of these!” My jaw dropped again...I did not know how to react to this. I felt like a scolded child...I decided to stand my ground...and I shyly whispered,” can I see the solitaires?” She leaned forward...pointed her larger-than-life finger at my chest and reinforced her ground AGAIN...“I DOOOOON’T CARE! You are a BEEEEEEEG...LOUD….BEAUTIFUL WOMAN...so you need...BEEEEEEEG...LOUD...BEAUTIFUL RING!” and just like the soup Nazi on Seinfeld she said “NO SOLITAIRE FOR YOU!”

So, like anyone else fearing their life would do...I dutifully slipped on a trinity ring...and I instantly fell in love with the ring that I currently have. Now, you’d think my husband and I would have learned our lesson...we should have picked the ring she wanted me to wear and left...but nope...we didn’t. My hubby said “how much for this one?” She quickly snapped her head in both directions….apparently fearing that somebody heard his ridiculous question...she was ugly that he would mention such a thing in front of me...and she shot him a death glare (if you looked up “absolute disgust” in the dictionary you would see a picture of her face). She screamed at him “SHUUUUUUUT UP!” Who knew that simple words could actually whip across your face like a slap? She quickly pointed her larger-than-life finger at me and she said “YOU... BEAUTIFUL WOMAN… GET OUT!” I quickly decided that I did not need to be told twice and ran out to the car...after being buzzed out of course.

Mike and I had a strict budget...neither of us were interested in buying jewelry that is the equivalent in price of a luxury vehicle. We vowed to stick to the budget...regardless of unexpected death threats. After she revealed the price to him...he adamantly said “no way lady….that is not in our range”. Again, she quickly snapped her head in both directions…and whispered…“SHUUUUUUUT UP!” She lowered her head, covered her mouth to ensure that nobody could read her lips...and continued on “I like the BEEEEEEEG...LOUD….BEAUTIFUL WOMAN…she will have this ring…now pay….and GET OUT!” Risking his life at this point...he insisted on the next size down to accommodate our price range...and nervously crept sideways to the cash register (a la soup Nazi) and got buzzed out to safety.

A couple of weeks later, when Mike went to pick up the ring...the Greek matriarch was there patiently waiting for him. When she opened the ring box,the original larger-sized diamond trinity ring was staring up at him. My husband started to protest...he said “no lady...remember we downsized and paid for a smaller size.” She quickly cut him off, waved her hand in the air like she was batting away his words and calmly said, "I have no IDEEEEEEEEEA what you say about...GET OUT!” He tried to explain that he had paid for the smaller version...and she cut him off again, “I like the BEEEEEEEG...LOUD...BEAUTIFUL WOMAN...she will have this ring!” Again, she quickly snapped her head in both directions...shoved the ring-box in his hand and whispered “GET OUT!”

Now, I could end this story right here...all happy with my shiny diamond trinity ring...and simply “SHUUUUUUUUUT UP!” But, the story does not end here. Six months later...we returned to THE jewelry store to select our wedding bands. I don’t know how many of you out there believe in destiny, kismet, fate or any of the above...but somehow in a store of 20+ employees...we got the big momma again! I asked to see the plain white gold wedding bands. She looked absolutely exasperated with me and she said “look lady...you no tiny...OK? You BEEEEEEEG...YOU LOUD...YOU BEAUTIFUL...you need BEEEEEEEG...LOUD...BEAUTIFUL RING.” She picked out the matching diamond band for my engagement ring and said “this ring goes with that ring….here you go...that’s it.” I said “BUT”...and she twirled her finger in dismissal...willing me to turn around on my heels and GET OUT!

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.
Mae West

Lynn
;)