At first they have a motivational and comical presentation of sorts to capture the audience’s attention. Then, the moderator shares a painful story about her and thanks everyone for listening. Then, we move on to splitting into small groups of 5 in a circle where their knees touch and the lava flow gets started with each student starting their statements with “if you really knew me you’d know that...” One prom queen admitted that her parents were divorced and that they actually lived in sleaze bag motels most of her life, daddy drank lots and never called or visited, and mom had to work long hours and dated a string of strange men. The next guy admits that because he was horribly teased about having Tourrets Syndrome when he was young that he basically decided to be the meanest and biggest bully first. He also admitted that his Dad talks to people that way and so he adopted that behaviour as well. The metal head was very quiet and private…but soon let loose that her Father basically doesn’t speak to her unless she hunts and kills a turkey, that he openly tells her daily that he wished she was a boy, and her mother has long ago left the nest to pursue greatness (which turns out to be a diner waitress in Vegas). This leaves the turkey killer to care for 3 young siblings at home at the ripe old age of 15. The best story of the group belongs to the quiet and very private Goth girl. She admits that her mother is in prison and her father is a crack head. She has constantly been told that she is the worst daughter ever, a loser and a curse to the planet. When she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 14 she was kicked out and now lives with a family friend. She also admits a failed suicide pact with a friend…no bloody wonder! These small but painful confessions act as an eye opener for the group; they (hopefully) gain a greater insight as to why people act as they do…and learn that others are suffering too. Basically you cannot judge a book by its cover...everybody hurts.
The exercise then continues on to everyone standing behind a line in the gym. They are instructed to cross to the other side if any of the following phrases are applicable to them. If you ever have been a victim of divorce, abuse, sexual assault, drugs and alcohol in your home, left alone as a child, picked on for your appearance, and so on. Basically over the course of the exercise everyone crosses the line a couple of times. The exercise is to show you that you are not alone, and in fact you share atrocities with the rest of the group standing beside you on the “other” side. The day ends with positive affirmations for change and a commitment to change nasty behaviours to make the world a better place. Everybody hugs and cries. It’s a great concept.
Now, as a 42 year old, I have enough life experience under my belt to know that I am not alone in my struggles. The best thing about our age is we can indeed share these struggles or painful events with our girlfriends. But, I figure I may as well play the game with you, so to speak.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I have an extremely blessed life. I come from a home with parents who have been married for over 50 years and they are fantastic parents to me and my friends. I have a witty brother with a sense of dry humour that would make you pee from laughing so hard. My sister is the hardest working most kind hearted person on the planet. She would give you the shirt off her back and her last piece of bread if you needed it. She is hysterically funny too. I am the baby…and I happen to really enjoy that position in life. In fact, truth be told, I milk it for all it is worth! Either way, I know I am one of very few with the same family I started out with and for that I am extremely grateful.
If you really knew me you’d know that I am even more amply blessed to be married to my true soul mate, Boo. I believe that he was custom cut by God just for me. So, just the fact that we managed to meet in the first place is a miracle to me since I am not originally from here. We are adventurous, spontaneous, and laugh lots (that does not imply that he is perfect, as he requires frequent discipline!). From him, I have also been granted two amazing step kids who absolutely fill my life with great joy. I am forever grateful to their mother for selflessly sharing her children with me. They have all taken me in as their own and I say with amazing grace that these kids think of me as their second mother and sometimes best friend. I would take a bullet for them without hesitation. One time a girl broke Kris’ heart and I still have urges to hunt her down and beat the bejesus out of her. Another time one of my step daughter Michalla’s friends viciously attacked her….I still want to bitch slap her across the face really hard! Anyone who hurts my step kids hurts me and should be punished…but unfortunately I know that this is inappropriate and jail worthy behaviour so I suffer and stew about it! LOL! Boo and I are having the time of our lives...all the time. Either way, I know I am one of the few on the planet to meet and marry my soul mate (and have children with no stretch marks) and for that I am extremely grateful.
If you really know me you’d know that I am surrounded by an amazing bouquet of girlfriends; all sorts of different girlfriends whose uniqueness form the most jaw dropping and colourful of floral arrangements. Without them I would no doubt wither and die…my sanity depends on them. Even the ones that come and go on the fringe…who lightly step in and out of my life from time to time. The hydrangea says “be careful” and the “tiger lilies” say “go crazy we only bloom once a year!” LOL! I am truly blessed to have found them, and in turn to have them want to stick around. I love that I have a selection to choose from at any given time and that I can call any one of them crying and get 5 different perspectives on something…all of which make total sense. Either way, I am grateful that I am able to tell them that I love them and adore them…and need them…on a regular basis.
If you really knew me, you’d know that if you ever hurt me or screwed me over …a month ago or over 20 years ago… I have never forgotten it and never will. I am easily hurt and not a forgiving person at all. It is not a characteristic that I am proud to embrace, it just “is”. My Mother says “all wounds leave a scar”…and by God she is right! I may talk to you…but you’ll never be given a chance to fuck me over twice. I will never openly let you in again. I often have a hot red ball burning in my chest that can be there all day because of one e mail with a patronizing tone…or 2 ignorant sentences from someone can basically fuck my whole day….which can potentially burn for another week or two or three…it will fester like pus….and blow…but sadly…again…only I feel sick from it…only I lose sleep from it…only my health suffers…but I cannot blow it off…I have tried relaxing, breathing, reading, distractions…and here I sit mad as hell…fucking burning…and the instigator often has no clue…because I do not trust myself to let my true feelings out. Whether I like you or not, I never want you to feel what I feel when I am patronized or hurt by others. Either way, I am grateful that I know this about me and that I ALMOST always seem to manage it without blowing a gasket.
If you really knew me you’d know that for years I thought that I was a bundle of nerves, over flowing with overwhelming anxiety. But, I’ve recently discovered that what I thought it was anxiety is actually suppressed RAGE…pure and unadulterated RAGE! I guess my wires in my brain are crossed somewhere because I sit here totally confused by this revelation. All of these years of suffering…thinking that I had an anxiety disorder…was a nervous wreck...when in fact it turns out that what I read to be anxiety….was actually explosive fucking rage!!! I hate being patronized…for no acceptable reason…or any reason really. I will no longer apologize for being me…or thinking how I think…or saying what I say…when or how I say it. I am sick and fucking tired of tip toeing when I speak…for fear someone may not like it or most likely take exception with it…or simply disagree with it; Or better still…someone will calmly say my name in a low and patronizing tone like I am a child being scolded...that is my personal favorite! I am tired of having “norms” forced upon me…society fucking rolling their eyes at me. I am mostly outraged by my own reactions or inaction. My parents have taught me to be kind and graceful…which most times lead to swallowing the abuse…and basically thanking the culprit for kicking me in the crotch. Because I hate feeling this way, I would NEVER hurt you or patronize you unless you’ve pushed me into it. If I don’t look you in the eye or dodge you on a regular basis, you’d best keep on moving because you are in the line of fire and I am trying not to hurt you. Either way, I am grateful that I still prefer to spare your feelings…despite my own demise.
If you really knew me you would know that I am an empathetic person, meaning I feel your emotional pain and take it on as my own; in a desperate attempt to relieve you of it. You would know that I silently hurt for you when you’ve been hurt by others, or patronized or kicked in the crotch. I feel sorry for you when you don’t even feel sorry for yourself. Sometimes I will see sadness in the passing eyes of strangers and I will carry it with me all day…I may not even know your name…or your grief…but I carry your sadness. Injustice in just about anything at all will set me off. You would know that I have been heart sick for days about total strangers who have been a victim of ignorance or injustice in my midst. I will and have stood up for total strangers or acquaintances but I have silently suffered and tolerated the inexcusable ignorance to me of epic proportion over and over again. This behavior spoon feeds my loneliness monster and makes him angrier at himself….thus a viscous circle and perpetual feast. How ironic, I despise martyrs but sign on to be a stranger’s beast of burden…a.k.a. an ass! Sometimes I feel like I am walking on a very sharp edge of a bowl…in bare feet….bleeding and burning…but I do not want to fall in….and I dare not fall out….as I lose in both scenarios. Either way, I am grateful for this misguided passion because the apathetic make me nauseous and piss me off.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I am profoundly lonely; despite being popular. I pride myself on being a chameleon of sorts. I can morph and fit into any group or setting…but my puzzle piece never quite fits. This chameleon-like characteristic that allows me to step into any group or situation paradoxically keeps me out of it…on the periphery looking in. Years ago I saw a sculpture of wooden people that showed a man walking through a huge crowd of people and it is aptly named “alone in a crowd.” This sculpture encapsulates how I feel…alone in a crowd. Now I am not asking for accolades or sympathy. Loneliness is the first feeling I recall. I have always felt lonely. Without loneliness I would not be able to write. The writing comes from hours of keeping myself company in my head…I feel lonely, but must be alone to create. I do feel compelled to write all the time. Although this “square peg round hole phenomenon” is hard for me to accept some days, I love making people laugh and telling my crazy stories. I am grateful for this “quirky” curse; otherwise I would be boring and wouldn’t have a story to tell.
If you really knew me, you’d know that my “inner voice” is the nastiest most hateful bitch you could ever meet! She constantly asks me what I think I did to deserve such a great life. She asks me why did you say this or that… I lose sleep over something I had said months or years before…can you imagine? She reminds me of all of my “faults” both physical and emotional, reminds me of the failed weight loss attempts, and reminds me of every “wrong doing” ever done to me by others since the age of 5…and then throws in some highly probable fuck ups for the future. She reminds me that my hopes and dreams for the future are stupid and not worth the time or effort. Then she always reverts to calling me a fat pig if she does not get the response she seeks. She constantly reminds me that I am an abysmal failure at weight loss with just about every bite I take. Then she prods me to eat something outrageous because it is a hopeless effort anyways. She is a rotten bitch whom I have been able to tame over the years…actually sometimes she responds to a simple “fuck off and shut up! I DO deserve this bitch!” I am grateful for my extreme feelings because it is without a doubt far better than feeling nothing at all. Coasting through life sedate would be boring.
And finally, if you really knew me, you’d know that I am a control freak. I often get overwhelmed about things which I cannot control….such as life and death, the weather, the air we breathe, accidents, the things that strangers or irrelevant people may say or do. I have always placed myself in high intensity jobs and positions of authority because I love the thrill of being in control of something…even if a mistake could cause a death…no big deal...the clearer the thought process is under extreme stress. Throw it at me! On the other hand, choosing an entree at a restaurant or which colour Popsicle I would prefer could easily lead me to a nervous fucking breakdown! God forbid I chose the movie of the night and it sucks! Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by something I cannot even identify…that I retreat to my cocoon and nap in fetal position. I am both blessed and cursed to see the fragility of life first hand at the hospital; however, I live everyday in sheer terror of losing it all. I tell everyone before trips or before I leave that I love them and adore them. I am terrified of good byes. I feel both guilt and fear for having such an incredible and blessed life. Then I get irate with myself for whining about something as stupid as my weight while I have it so good! I love my family and friends so much my heart could easily burst…so I live in fear of it all coming to an end…the sky falling, the other shoe dropping….instead of embracing what is…I mourn what could be lost while I have it....how crazy is that? Either way, I am most grateful that I have something to fear losing. I am grateful to you all.
“Heaven is not a place where you go when you die, it’s that place in your life when you feel so alive.”- Spilled Canvas “The Tide”
Lynn
;)
