I AM NORMAL!!!!

OK, my 100 pound journey is going mighty slow...slower than pouring frozen molasses actually! BUT, instead of giving up and asking "why bother?"...I try to find new things to kick start this damn metabolism! So, I called up my personal trainer Michelle and set an appointment to get my ass kicked this morning...and she did NOT disappoint!

Even though I was well aware that I had this appointment this morning, I went to my Tri Fit swim last night. Now this move was simply stupid! I did 115 laps in the pool last night in an hour. Tri-Fit swim involves 20 warm up laps, 30 laps of just kicking (no arms and flippers), 30 laps of 'pulls' (all arms with paddles to make it harder, no legs), then 30 laps of free (crawl), choice, free. Meaning I do one lap crawl, one lap breast stroke or backstroke, then back to crawl again to equal 30 laps, then sprints, then cool down free swim. Believe it or not...the flippers are an amazing way to isolate your leg muscles and they create a mega thigh 'burn'. Then, the 'pull paddles' near killed me...they basically pull your muscles off the bone...my triceps were on FIRE! Every single lap I thought about the ass-kicking I was going to get from Michelle this morning...and how I was going to regret this in the morning...and that I did!

Michelle is a sadistic chick who is built like a brick shit house for a reason...she obviously feels no pain! She should have been a dentist...because she takes great pleasure in inflicting pain...under the guise of a 'workout'...yeah right! She is one of the few on this planet who gets to tell me what to do... and I do it! She tolerates my whining,inappropriate cussing, groaning and threats. In fact...she laughs at me while I do it...which makes me laugh at myself! This makes me want to kiss her and punch her at the same time! I have no idea how she tolerates me! I cannot understand how or why she doesn't give up on me either. I will not bore you with the details...but I survived a weight-lifting-ab/butt/thigh burning-muscle-exhausting-hair pulling-whining-screaming-begging for mercy- work out extravaganza! I am going to do this every other day.

When I work out, I am so glad that I do not have a neon ticker tape of my thoughts going across my forehead. If people could see what I think in the run of a work out... I'd be locked up in a white rubber room or arrested! Michelle says that she loves it when I come to her aerobics classes because I smile the entire time. Little does she know...I smile when I scream the "F" word in my head and call her dirty names...which constantly happens during her 60 minute torture sessions!!! One second my inner voice say "what were you thinking? You can't do this...quit right now!...she's INSANE!!!" and then I scream silently in my head "Will you F#$% OFF? Leave me alone! I am going to do this!"

At then end of this psycho fiasco today...Michelle asked me if I wanted her to run me through the intense 10 minutes of cardio. As I said "Yes, sure", my devil voice screamed "WHAT!?...Tell her to DRIFT!!!" Onward and upward, I did 1 minute sprints of running, football feet, step ups, jumping jacks, and air punches over and over non stop to 10 minutes. It doesn't sound like much...but it was hell! IN fact, every single minute my devil voice was saying " OK, tell her you've had enough...tell her you are finished...tell her it is OVER!...STOP!" BUT, I kept at it despite myself.

I have an angel and a devil on each shoulder. I fight with them constantly. BUT for some bizarre reason I cannot explain...I keep going back for more...and more...and more... I must admit I am a sucker for punishment. Bottom line is...her classes ROCK and I do love them...but don't let Michelle know that...I count on her sympathy factor for survival! When it was all said and done...Michelle paid me the greatest compliment of all. She told me that I suffered just like a 'normal' person would. I never dreamed in my life that I would take 'normal' as a compliment...but it made my day!!!! I always figured I was slower because I was bigger and not exactly athletically 'gifted'. I always thought that I was WAY behind the pack...very back of the line...but I am not. I am NORMAL! Who'd of thunk it?

One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.-Helen Keller

Lynn
;)

Fat Girl Turned Sized 7 Syndrome

When I was in high school I had one of the funnest girlfriends you can imagine. I had so much fun with Susan! I still smile and laugh out loud at some of the capers that we got ourselves into. I must admit I really miss that girl... but she is gone forever. Don't get me wrong, she is not physically dead. The 'shell' of this Susan girl still exists but my awesome girlfriend is long gone.

Susan and I hooked up in high school. We had much fun cuffing classes, cruising in the Cordoba, smoking our faces off, and loads of under-aged drinking adventures and parties. That chick was so cool....until she lost a significant amount of weight. Years ago, Susan came to visit me. Another girlfriend called ahead of time to warn me that Susan had lost ALOT of weight. I was elated for her! I didn't understand the BIG WARNING. I was left scratching my head and I wondered why Susan wouldn't have told me about her weight loss efforts or journey (she lived in Boston).She never mentioned a thing about it in many phone calls over the course of her weight loss. Bizarre.

When she arrived at my apartment, my jaw dropped. She had dropped a whopping 70 pounds and she looked absolutely amazing! I was so happy for her. I will admit I was jealous and sad for me, but I was genuinely happy that she fought and won this weight war. I told her over and over how beautiful she looked. WOW! Then...the ugly monster quickly began to rear her ugly head. She went to my cupboards, opened them up and started to preach about why I wasn't losing weight. I buried my hurt, rage, confusion...and we continued on our merry way out for the night. I could not diagnose what I was feeling when she did that. I rationalized that she was trying to help...but I felt patronized and angry. I wrote this off as my own problem with jealousy and told myself to stop being so foolish.

Let's fast forward. The following year, Susan came to visit me again and we went out to PARTY! I was still fat and she was still skinny. I wasn't feeling too good about myself. We walked into the club and Susan started to point out all of the guys that she was going to have wrapped around her finger before the night was over. I resigned to the fact it was my turn to be the purse holder. A couple minutes later, a guy came up to me and said "hey gorgeous wanna dance?" Then his friend piped in "what about my turn?" I said "take a number"...and proceeded out onto the dance floor to rock my ass off for the next 3 solid hours! I had such a blast! Susan sat on the sidelines with a scowl on her face. When we got home to my apartment that night, I asked "what's the matter Susan?" She answered "I cannot believe tonight! I lost all this weight and you ....DIDN'T!! I didn't get any attention at all". I simply answered "don't hate me because I am beautiful". I meant it as a joke...she didn't laugh. In fact, if looks could kill...I wouldn't be writing this blog!

Next, is our 10 year high school reunion. Susan was an unbearable hair flicking snot!! She strutted into the old high school cafeteria like she was a rock star. She was thrilled at first because nobody seemed to recognize her. But that quickly turned into dismay when she realized nobody REMEMBERED her. She started getting really angry when she had to identify herself as "Lynn's friend Susan". I must admit that I took great pleasure in that! Once she announced she was my tag along...everyone said "oh yeah...you drove Lynn to the parties". I truly loved that. At the end of the weekend, I could not write off my uncomfortable feelings anymore. I told her that if we didn;t have such a long history as friends I would tell her to lose my number and drift! I was not jealous of her weight loss... I was desperately clinging to the friendship we once had. She lost 70 pounds... AND every ounce of her personality!! She had developed a syndrome that I have named " Fat Girl Turned Sized 7 Syndrome". Poor thing..."it don't mean a thing if you ain't got that zing!"

Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?

So, I put off everything until after my trip to Cuba. For the last 6 weeks, I said I would "get back on my diet", "get back on track","get back to exercise","quit smoking", "yadda, yadda, yadda"...I am back from Cuba...and kind of dragging my knuckles.

I am proud to announce that I did quit smoking when I got back from Cuba. I put the patch on and quit smoking on November.22. I did have a couple of "sneak smokes" and I am glad that I did. I ended up feeling very sick and had wicked headaches both times... so, I am very confident this time around. When something is taboo for me...I desperately have to have it...so cigarettes are not taboo...they are just not desirable anymore. I am pleased with myself for this big accomplishment. I am a little moody, even sookey, BUT instead of talking about it...I did it! I feel so empowered!

Exercise is 150% easier than it was as a smoker. Spinning, with the exception of the 'hole' incident' was an absolute thrill! I swam 120 laps last night like an Olympian. I went to a 'Tone n Tease' class last week that I am still sore from!(I have ALOT more respect for strippers now!)I had a fabulous walk with my galpal and 'step-dogs'. Now that the cigarettes are gone...I really can see myself crossing that finish line for the sprint triathlon in May. No ifs, ands or BUTTS!

So, why am I being so tough on myself? Instead of celebrating...I am maliciously kicking the shit out of myself! Every moment of every day I curse myself up for craving, eating, sleeping too much, not exercising enough,watching TV, being too lazy...whatever. That little powerful voice inside my head keeps chanting..."no you can't", "what are you thinking?" "you'll never be ready" "FATSO"... I think I figured it out... I used to have the cigarettes as an excuse to fall back on. If I failed or struggled with exercise or weight...I could blame the cigarettes. Now, without the smokes to blame...the only blame I have to blame is...me. To be perfectly honest...I am scared to death!I am absolutely terrified.I am starting to look like I am nuts because I swat at that little voice like a bug. I keep telling it to get LOST!!! So why is the little nasty voice still hanging around? Why won't it BACK OFF??? Everybody has this miserable bastard little voice...right?

Spinning on the Full Moon

Our spinning class is held at the back right hand corner of the gym. I pick a bike, set the seat and handle bars to my height and tighten the hinges etc. I put on my gel seat, unpack my water and hand towel (to wipe up the sweat from my eyeballs), and I get on and start peddling to warm up. I had a FABULOUS class until...a fellow spinner told me I had a hole in my pants!!!

I wondered how on earth she knew I had a 'hole' because she was facing me throughout the class...not behind me! She told me that the instructor for the next class(setting up behind me in the gym) rushed up to tell her about my 'hole' at the end of the class. Apparently the girl who noticed my 'hole' asked my spinning colleague... "how well do you know that girl(me)?... she has a hole in her pants!" This INSANE question is the inspiration for my blog today!!!Let me explain to you why the 'hole' spotter's question is totally INAPPROPRIATE!

I have been embarrassed many times in my life and I will be many more...no big deal in my world really...it makes for great stories!! I've found 'holes' that could have been pretty embarrassing...like the size of a loonies in the thigh of my exercise leggings ...or even a little crotch 'peek-a-boo" before. That, I can cope with!OK....now brace yourselves everyone...my entire ass was showing!! I am not exaggerating!!! My entire ass was out of the black leggings I had on. I will also add that I do not wear undies because you can see them through skin tight leggings...so my big white shiny ass was protruding out of a 'hole' as big as your head! I cannot explain to you why I did not feel a rip or a breeze...I didn't feel any differing in temperature from the back door region at all! This is probably because my ass goes numb from the pain of that small bike seat being rammed into my ass fat!

So, imagine this. I am on a spinning bike, bent over the handle bars with my ass up in the air peddling like a son of a gun! My big shiny white ass is pointed out towards the rest of the gym. There are about 20 some ladies getting set up for a step aerobics class. When the class is over, I bend over and touch my toes and stretch out my calves. The first thing that enters the 'hole' spotter's mind is ..." who am I going to tell about this ladies 'hole'?" HELLO DUMB ASS!!!!!!!!! HOW ABOUT TELLING ME? Did I miss a day in etiquette class when I was young? Since when do you have to know somebody really well to tell them there is a 'hole' in their pants the size of New York and their shiny bare ass is hanging out? All she had to say is "excuse me but there is a hole in your pants". You would think out of the 20 ladies getting ready for the next class who were staring at my bare 'hole'...would have done or said something to me! To add insult to injury...the gym doors are glass so the general public in the gym can saunter by and have a bamboozle at my special 'hole' too!

Thank God I had an extra sweater to wrap around my ass...so I could back out of the gym to the safety of my car! When I got home I said to my hubby "look what happened to me tonight!!". He got me to bend over and I guess he had quite the view....like way more interesting than the full moon...he got an eye-full of the universe!

PLEASE... if you see more than you think someone is planning for you to see...take a chance and tell a stranger that their bare ass is sticking through a crater in their pants!!! I guarantee you...if someone would have approached me to inform me about the 'hole'...the last thing I would have thought was "I didn't even know that person!"

Knowing is Half the Battle

Twenty five years ago I was profoundly affected by an Oprah show....and I am still haunted by it to this day. The audience was divided into two separate groups. The people with blue eyes were given a bright green collar to wear and given the worst seats in the room. The brown eyed people were treated to fresh donuts while the blue eyed people watched. When the blue eyed people asked where their donuts were they were sharply told to sit down and shut up! A lady named Jane Elliott came out onto the stage and began to explain how studies have overwhelmingly proven that blue eyed people are inferior to brown eyed people. She continued to say that blue eyed people were arrogant, demanding, had a misplaced sense of entitlement and had lower IQ's. Now, being a blue eyed person I was screaming and yelling at the television! I was outraged!!!One lady called in and explained that FINALLY there was some proof to explain why her blue eyed child was so difficult to deal with...and her brown eyed child was a pleasure. The blue-eyed people in the audience were outraged! Every time the blue-eyed people tried to protest they were told to sit down and shut up. The brown-eyed audience members took turns standing up and discussing their 'problems' with blue-eyed people. I literally LOST my mind!!!

Jane Elliott's "Blue Eyes/Brown Eyes" was an experiment to expose the effects of social conditioning. She made one group superior and the other inferior. Predictably, she showed that if a group of people is maliciously held back and made to feel like there are worth less than another group, eventually the allegedly inferior group will act the part of actually becoming inferior. The superior group found common ground quickly and joined forces to keep the inferior group...inferior....thus maintaining superiority. This social conditioning, sadly, is wired into our brains...as fight or flight...or survivial of the fittest...the meek shall inherit the earth...whatever. BUT... as GI JOE used to say... "knowing is half the battle".

This week, a friend sent me an article about the supreme court's ruling to allow obese people 2 seats for the price of one when flying. I was thrilled with the court's sensitive recognition of such a need. I was not so thrilled with the insensitive comments that followed! I was devastated! The very first comment was about how unfair and ridiculous it is to cater to 'those gluttons who do not know when to put their forks down". Then, a Frankenstein-esque frenzied mob of negative comments followed..."the obese are a disgusting bunch of lazy slobs whose very presence leaves a scar on mankind!!!!" Other comments included that the obese are ugly, stinky, greasy, obnoxious...you get the picture. I went on to read the same article posted in different forums all over the Internet and all of them had similar postings. One moron actually suggested that everyone should eat as much as they can so they can have an entire row to themselves in an airplane. Now there's a lifetime goal!! I was absolutely heart broken and I felt totally helpless. This behavior is right in front of your face everyday. The fat person in the movies is always a dufus, clown, idiot, fall guy....background music...wallflower.Talk shows have done the 'fat suit' experiment time and time again with the same results...The fat person gets shoved in the back of the restaurant. Well 'boo-hoo'...the model chick still gets to take the fat suit off when the cameras get turned off. Nowadays, it is politically incorrect to be derogatory to anyone for anything EXCEPT the FAT. Let's just publically acknowledge the big-ass bulls eye on the fat people....it has always been there anyway. Everybody laughs...nobody gets hurt...right? I am ashamed to be human today.

“Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages.”-Thomas Edison

Thong...th..th...th... thong!

Years ago I went on a cruise. There was a gaggle of really BIG black girls who lit up the entire boat with their smiles and fits of laughter. Just being near them made me smile! To add to the allure, these ladies wore two piece dresses, bikinis, and very teeny weeny THONGS! Yes, as the song goes...thong...th...th...th.thongs! I must admit, it wasn't a pretty sight... BUT I was intrigued by their confidence and obvious nonchalant issues with body image. Out of curiosity I took a peek at the topless deck one day and there was a HUGE black woman with breasts bigger than basketballs tanning topless with a thong and happy as a pig in shit. They simply loved life and savored each other's company. It was obvious they did not spend hours worrying abut the number on the scales or the size of their clothes. I must admit by the end of the week I wished I was one of those black girls.

I just got home from Cuba. I was amazed once again to see women in thong...th...th...th...thongs... who should NOT be. One large girl was wearing a string bikini that was reminscant of those tightly tied rump roasts. She didn't have a care in the world. But where did the line betwen beautiful confidence and vulgarity go? I began asking myself if I was the only one who thought such feats were extraordinary acts of courage? or insanity? I mean really...did I HAVE to be an involuntary voyeur to this woman's over-sized and unshaved 'courage'? Like a traffic accident I had to keep on looking...I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder and i am going to have to deal with it.

"Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane."

Tip Toe Through the Treetops

Last Sunday I went to TreeGo. TreeGo is an extremely challenging series of acrobatic obstacles up high in the trees. Since they opened last year, I not only wanted to go and do it...I felt compelled to do it.

To start, you are oriented to the harness and equipment. There is no worry of falling. It is impossible. My fear was not actually falling...my fear was falling and then attempting to get back up. You need a tremendous amount of upper arm strength to do this. Thank goodness I had no idea what I was in for!!

To look at the pictures posted on Face book by others, everyone is smiling and laughing and appear to be having the time of their lives. That is bullshit! Or...the pictures were taken very early on in their journey. If there was video footage of my journey...you would have been exposed to a grown woman trembling and pissing her pants in fear!

So, like skiing, the trails are marked according to difficulty. You 'graduate' from the easiest to the hardest. At first, I was smiling and giggling like a school girl. So was my husband... but he'd kill me if he knew I told the world about it! LOL! I was expecting a few ladder climbs and zip lines. This was not the case. There was a series of high wires, rickety old ladders, logs and hung by chains and swaying this way and that. This swing scared the BEJESUS out of me. As a control freak, it was even more challenging to just step on a swing and be zipped across a wire to the next post about 40 feet above the ground! This picture may look like I am laughing...but I am screaming my lungs out!

The best and WORST moments of this day occurred at the exact same times throughout the course. I encountered 2 ladders and a reverse zip line that made me feel like I was going to die! I found myself at 'almost' the top of a ladder with not one ounce of arm or hand strength to carry on. I couldn't step down and I couldn't get up. I screamed ' please Jesus help me!!!!!!' in absolute hysteria panic and terror. I was in a place in my head that was VERY dark. Can you imagine...seconds before dying (perceived dying) that the last thought you would ever think would be " you big ass fat COW! This wouldn't be happening if you weren't such a big-fat-pack-a-day-smoking-f#$%^&'n-COW!" This is sadly...exactly what I was thinking. I was so mad at myself for even thinking at 258 pounds that I could do this. I was enraged that I allowed myself to get this fat and unhealthy. I was really devastated that I keep on thinking that I will really stick to my diet TOMORROW! Well, in my terror...tomorrow wasn't coming. I finally had to face the reality that if I was hanging on for my life on the edge of a cliff...I would have to let go and die. Period. BUT, I did not QUIT!

I am constantly reminded by people that I am an adventurous woman. My mother said I should have been the boy in our family because I have BIG BALLS. I love change, I love challenge. I have had the privilege of being in the military and doing the military obstacle courses, tear gas huts, being called "RAMBETTE" shooting sub machine guns on the firing range, cooking for 'green-colored' sailors out on rough seas, firefighting, sinking ship SIMS, and so much more! I have seen and done many wild things in the short course of my life. I will sign up to do just about anything! I didn't really have a clue that some of the things I do are viewed as such a big deal ...until the e mails came flooding in from people who adamantly refuse to do such a thing!

At TreeGo, I could have screamed for help. I could have had the firefighters come and rescue me like a kitten in the trees. I could have stopped on a perch in the trees and cried. Looking back, in my sheer terror moments, quitting never crossed my mind. Not once. The only way to go was forward. Every time I got to the top of the next ladder, next perch, next challenge... I did not hesitate to keep going. In retrospect, this really surprised me about myself. I was thrilled and elated that I completed this self-induced tortuous challenge! Now, if only I could get a grip on this weight thing!

"Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right."- Henry Ford

Lynn

;)