Soul Candle

About 3 years ago I had the pleasure of meeting a very special human being named "Dottie". I was at a national nursing conference and 'out of the blue' I believe God dropped her right into my lap. Dottie is a nurse from a small African nation. She is a BIG black well-endowed African goddess. Dottie and I began talking about nursing (my career for those of you who do not know me).One of the biggest issues in nursing today is horizontal violence or more commonly known as "nurses eating their young". I was shocked to hear that nursing all across the world has the same issues as we do here in North America...far far away across the world. Dottie went on to share the best life advice I have ever heard.

Dottie told me when she had some problems at school as a child because of mean girls. Then, as she went into nursing, the back biting and nastiness was really getting her down. I was shocked because I truly thought this was only a North American phenomenon! Dottie told me that she shared her dismay with her mother one day and her mother told her about the 'soul candle'. She told her daughter that every human being is born with a soul candle(a flame flickering inside their heart)and they MUST keep that flame burning at all costs. It is human nature for humans to try to knock each other down in order to protect their small world....in essence trying to blow out your soul candle. Her mother told her that negative thoughts and doubts are like hurricane force winds for your soul candle....and can quite easily extinguish your flame if you let it. Dottie went on to tell me when she feels hurt by words...she thinks about her soul candle and knocks the thoughts right out of her head. At this point, I wanted to curl up on Dottie's lap, suck my thumb and nestle my head right into her bosom! I LOVED Dottie...sadly I did not get her contact information....and with that she disappeared out of my life...in body but not in soul.

I have been thinking about Dottie a lot lately....not in the nursing context but in real life scenarios. I have been bombarded with sad news lately about the health and tragedies bestowed upon my friends. We take life so much for granted. As I reflect upon my perpetual battle (OBSESSION)with my weight I get frustrated with the triviality of it all. Because I am a child trapped in a woman's body I tend to not accept that I am into my 4th decade in life. It is in this decade that one of my friend's became a widow, a couple have lost their parents, one is battling for her life in intensive care following a simple surgery, and another has received news of breast cancer. How can this be true? I ask myself....weren't we just playing hide-and-go-seek and swinging on the swing set yesterday?

To me, the soul candle represents the very core of our soul. I can slip into denial...curl into a ball and deny what is fact. I can allow myself to feel the paralyzing pain and allow it to cripple me in fear for the rest of my days.....what if this happens...what if that happens? OR...I can take it for what it is....sad news...and let that be a reality check and swift kick in the ass to stop wasting time worrying....or "burning daylight" as Dr. Phil puts it. I have to shit or get of the pot, so to speak.... don't sweat the petty things...and don't pet the sweaty things. I still need to persevere as far as the weight loss goes in order to protect my health. BUT, I also must keep in mind that there is real life struggle and pain out there and stop letting a clothing size or number on the scale be the boss of me. I must admit when I got the call from my friend with the breast cancer scare...my soul candle flickered and struggled to stay lit....how can this be happening? This just isn't right....it's not fair. This happens to other people...there was a tsunami in my chest! It is a heart wrenching reminder to us all not to take life for granted.....to live like you are dying... and to protect the soul candle flame at all cost.

You can chose to be like a leaf in the Fall that clings to the tree for dear life...or let yourself go wherever the breeze takes you-Lynn Casey

Lynn
;)

Shopping While Fat

There is a great show on ABC called "What Would You Do?" hosted by John Quinones. The show features ethical/moral dilemmas in social situations with hidden cameras to see how people will react. I try to watch it every time it is on because I am intrigued by human behavior when people are not aware they are being filmed. I have been shocked by some reactions and inaction of the public. Last night's show really surprised me!

One vignette featured a story on racial profiling. There is a real phenomenon named for it called "Shopping While Black". A boutique in upscale New York allowed the experiment to take place in their store. The scenario involved a black actress who dressed up and dressed down. In both scenarios the store clerk approaches the black actress for no reason within earshot of unsuspecting customers and states "We don't tolerate your kind here. Now just leave OK. Last week one of your kind stole a hole bunch of stuff and I am sick of it". The actress reacts as expected...hurt, crying, saying "I didn't do anything!". Not surprisingly, most people ignored or avoided the situation all together. One black man made a huge scene about it and stormed out of the store with his family...he was devastated. Another reaction involved 2 British ladies who not only walked out of the store with the black actress as she was escorted out by security...they also recruited the rest of the customers in the store to leave as well. Another white woman became extremely emotional and she was unable to stop crying or calm down for the after camera interview. This story elicited an emotional response in me, not only because of the obvious disturbing inaction of the public...but also because this has happened to me! Except my crime was "Shopping While Fat."

One day I was shopping at a panty hose specialty store. As usual, I had to kneel down on the floor because the bigger sizes are on the very bottom of the racks. I was happily chirping along....making very special plans for the black thigh highs I was about to purchase when out of the blue....the store clerk sharply tapped on my shoulder and said "EXCUUUUUUUSSSSSEEEEE ME....there is a store for YOU people next door". WTF? I was stunned! You see...the store next door was a plus-sized clothing store.I couldn't even react because it actually took me a few moments to absorb what just happened. I said "PARDON ME?" I didn't ask this woman for help...in fact..this encounter was the first time I even laid eyes on her! I swiveled on my ass and I said "These are actually for my husband to wear!" I wish I could tell you that I demanded to speak to the manager and had her fired...but I was so distressed I bought the thigh highs and ran out to cry in the car.

Another time I went shopping with a male friend to help him select Christmas presents for his girlfriend. He decided he wanted to buy her a "Far West" ski jacket. We went to the "Far West" store and started looking for the perfect jacket. My friend's girlfriend was a perfect size 2 so we went to the petite section and started digging. As I happily worked my way through the racks....a sales clerk approached me and said " WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING HERE FOR YOU." Again, I was so caught off guard my jaw dropped to the floor. My quick thinking male friend said "Well that's your loss..she was here to buy 100 coats for kids...let's go!". We walked out. He didn't believe my thigh high experience when I first told him about it...but now he believed every word of it!

I have no idea why these bizarre things happen in my life (maybe to make for some good stories) but I do know one thing...these ignoramus morons make me grateful to be me!

To be ignorant of one's ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.

Amos Bronson Alcott

Lynn
;)

Group Therapy for Dummies

There is something great about being involved in a group. Tonight was my triathlon lap swimming class...100 laps/hour. There are 4 of us who meet every week and go at it. Every week we are eager to see each other....have playful,flirtatious banter (2 are fellas)....get in the pool and rock and roll! When I miss a class...they always ask where I've been. When I get to the pool my pull paddles, flippers, flutter board are waiting for me at my lane. Tonight, one of the guys did the wave stroke....every time I looked in his direction he was waving at me while swimming just to get a good laugh! I really enjoy my swimming group and the same group of us attend spinning class too. Lots of laughing and familiar faces makes exercise fun! When I don't make class they miss me...and tell me so. It's great to belong....sometimes.

Now a bad group experience for me is Weight Watchers. I joined last week and lost 8 pounds on week one. Yahoo! Weight Watchers is a fabulous organization...and it works of you follow the points and exercise. I feel great being in control again. BUT, I HATE GROUP ACTIVITY AT WEIGHT WATCHERS. One of the asinine group tasks involves forcing strangers who do not want to talk ... to do just that! Whenever the group leader says "now look at the person next to you and say"..."or sit in groups of 3"...I LOSE IT!! One dufus asked how many points Kraft Dinner was during the week one orientation to the program! I suspect this idiot has no idea why she is a COW! Another time I got suckered into a group to discuss ways to 'lighten' potato salad. One idiot said she makes her potato salad with mustard instead of mayonnaise. I said "then it is mustard on potatoes....NOT potato salad! DUH! Another one asked how many points in a Big Mac combo.HELLO?????????? Sadly, I do not have a very good poker face when I am surrounded by dummies! It is during times like this I wish stupid was painful!!

So, I will continue to go to Weight Watchers and attend the meetings for now. If they even mention the word group again... I will grab my bag and run for the door screaming for my life!!!

"Stupid is as stupid does."
-Forrest Gump

Lynn
;)

Commercial Crap!

There is a TV commercial that runs here in NB to celebrate our teachers. Overall it is a nice gesture. BUT...I get ugly every time I see it. here's some of the dialogue for you.

Skinny kid in a drama-esque costume says " Thank you for going over my lines with me before the big play"

Skinny kid in lovely sweater and pants says " Thank you for teaching me all about chemistry so I can cure cancer"

Skinny kid in nice outfit says " Thank you for teaching me all about astrophysics so I can build a space shuttle"

FAT KID in sloppy hockey jersey and sweat pants says " Thank you for teaching me not to eat cheese burgers before the game"

WTF???? All the skinny kids are thanking their teachers for helping them save the world, or be on Broadway, or design the entire space program and the FAT KID is told not to eat before the game....you hear that piglet??? No puking on the ice FATSO! Hold off on the pre-game gorging you useless glutton! You are the goalie because everyone has to make the team....you skate too slow and fill the net ya PIG! Great message there eh?

The next commercial that drives me over the bend is the Special K challenge commercials. Some chick in a little teeny weeny size triple zero red dress passes on eating some donuts at the office so she can 'fit' in this snot rag sized red hanky. I am not sure of what tone they are trying to set. The music for the commercial is the 'Sex in the City' theme. There is a guy who is really gay ...who is really terrible at acting gay...so his over zealous attempts of trying to be ultra gay are incredibly annoying. There is also another girl in the ad who I cannot recall. The fake/real gay guy and the one who plays 'not the skinny or pretty office girl' are both in grayish but proper office attire. The triple zero waif either really LOVES this dress or she is waiting for the pay check from shooting the commercial because it is the only outfit she wears in 3 different commercials!!! Did you know the "Special K Challenge" consists of eating only Special K cereal for breakfast and lunch for 2 weeks? Is the challenge not to die of rickets? What kind of sick advertising campaign is this? Has anyone eaten Special K lately? It is puffed air!! I can eat a barrel of it...and still be hungry.

My point is...although there is a whole world out there with much larger and important issues than a number on the scale...it is very difficult to 'swallow' the world's skewed view on fat people. The sad truth is with all the pressure to maintain political correctness, avoid harassment or prejudiced claims, and cultural and/or sexual sensitivity training bullshit...the only demographic that is still safe to pick on are the FAT people!We are a target by elimination! You can try to convince me all you like that the world's view of fat people is not as skewed as I see it...but I doubt anyone can dispute some TV commercial's messages are just plain whacked!! S.O.S- Save our society!

The only difference between a weed and a flower is a judgment.
- Wayne Dyer

Lynn
;)

Live to Eat

There are people out there who simply eat to live...these people do not think about food...or dream about food... or have any kind of blissful release during the ingestion of chocolate or melted cheese! I heard about these types of people but I always thought it was just another crazy urban legend! I have never understood these types. When I wake up I think about what is for breakfast before my feet hit the floor! Sometimes I think about what I am going to eat next...while I am eating.

My husband has been a steady 145 pounds since the day we met 13 years ago. He has been able to eat whatever he wants....whenever he wants. He can go for several hours without eating anything at all. His kids are the same. A trip to McDonald's always resulted in extra fries for me...extra cheeseburgers....besides my full meal. When the kids were young....I was the human garbage disposal. When we eat a meal, my husband finishes his meal very quickly and leaves the table. I am typically left at the table alone for another 10-15 minutes to finish my meal. I eat slowly, take my time and savor my meals.

I recently read a study that revealed eating is a sociable event for people with weight issues and a functional non event for those who do not have problems with weight. This makes perfect sense to me because my husband and his family eat and leave the table as soon as they are done their meal; whereas mealtime is an event when I visit with my family. All socializing takes place at the heart and soul of my family’s home...the kitchen table. We spend hours sipping tea...laughing and chatting...a cookie here....a piece of cheese there...hours of enjoyable company and nibbling…warm and fuzzy comfy cozy home.

When I did my own impromptu study I too discovered that the majority of skinny people eat to live and the majority of ‘pleasantly plump’ live to eat. I love thinking about food, planning it, anticipating, smelling it and best of all…eating it. Something put together with love and passion actually tastes better too! I love being passionate about food…I wouldn’t change that I live to eat for all the tea (plus cheese plus cookies plus chocolate) in China!

“Always get the fat girl to make your sandwich”-Alexis Truax RN/BN

Kick my ass!

Alice came to the fork in the road.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I apologize for my absence on the blog for the last couple of weeks. I have come to a fork in the road. I have no idea where I am going....or why I am trying to get there....or why I am so resistant to getting there. I have lost my way. I am so frustrated with all of my efforts and exercise....and getting fatter and fatter and fatter! UGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! I like to use this blog to inspire others and to motivate you all to try something new...not give up. But, over the last three weeks I had given up on myself! I am totally out of control and I am not moving AT ALL!

In fact, I have actually discovered what the bottom of the barrel tastes like.In my case, the bottom of the barrel tastes like 2 pieces of birthday cake and half of a home made butterscotch pie. I just got back from a visit home and I made a total pig of myself! I was shoving treats down into a big bottomless barrel....AND I licked the bottom. I don't even like store bought vanilla cakes and the 4" thick icing....but I ate 2 big ass slices icing and all. I felt sick as hell after I ate it...but moved on to that incredibly ridiculous delicious butterscotch pie. Sadly, I think I could have ate 2 of them by myself. I am out of control...totally. I have not exercised or followed any kind of diet or healthy eating since I returned from my ski trip. I cannot tell you why...I do not have an excuse. I have even gone so far as to drive to the gym and drive right back home without going into the gym at all. I simply did not want to go.I didn't have the will to get out of the car.

I am quite frustrated because I cannot even fake an excuse. I have a great life. No major crisis going on. The best excuse I can come up with is a nasty case of the winter blues...SAD...seasonal affective disorder. I have not been officially diagnosed but I swear it has been a chore to get out of bed and dressed over the past couple of weeks. Thankfully I have a friend who does not take "no" for an answer. She asked me to go night skiing last week...I hummed and hawed....and she said "I will pick you up in a half hour be ready!" I had a great time and got outside to exercise...and topped the night off with some great laughs, deep fried onion petals and ice cold beer! MMMMMMMM! This is the same gal pal who owns my step dogs...she lets me pretend that I am a step parent when we walk them! She does not take no for an answer on dog walking days either! Thank goodness I have an asskicker! Thank you thank you thank you!

After my big pig out this week end....or any thought of a pig out in the future...I should call upon my ass kicker. I need a direction, I need a plan, I need a schedule. I must get my butt in gear and get out there and have some of those crazy experiences that you all love to read! I have a mini triathalon to get ready for! I am not backing out of that goal...my asskicker wouldn't allow it anyway...in fact she would KILL me at the mention of such foolishness! I am going to get rocking...back on track ...no ifs ands or (kicked) butts!


Lynn
;)

Chairway to Heaven

I am shocked that I not only can ski...but that I really LOVE to ski. I didn't start off too good. The first time I ever went skiing, was with my grade 12 advanced Phys ED class. Now, those who know me are giggling because I am not your typical advanced Phys Ed class kind of gal. In fact, I had to beg the teacher Mr. Jones to let me in the class. I convinced him that he would be responsible for my outlook on physical fitness for the rest of my life...he bought it hook, line and sinker. The real reason I wanted in the class was because it was a fun bird course, got me out of a hellish advanced biology course...and the class was full of HOT GUYS! Mr. Jones made me swear NO EXCUSES would be tolerated from me. I was all in or out! So, in I was!

The first quarter of the class involved swimming. That was a breeze for me because I have been swimming since I was 3 years old. One day, Mr. Jones took some of my class mates beneath the pool to look through the port holes in the deep end. I swam down and waved crazily at my friends in the port hole. Mr. Jones had a BIG dumb smile on his face and my friends looked mortified! I didn't know what their problem was...they kept waving frantically for me to go away! Then, in horror...I understood. My boobs (which are large and lovely) had sprung themselves free of my bathing suit!!! Yes, that's right...I flashed my grade 12 Phys Ed teacher. I wanted to die of embarrassment!I did get an A+ in that class though!

The next quarter of the class involved running. I was NEVER a running kind of gal. My gig was to run along at the back of the pack...take a short cut through the woods....sit and have a smoke until everyone ran by me...and then come in the back for a grand finale. Not bad...I managed a 15 minute mile with a smoke break in the middle....and most of the mile cut out of the distance. One day, Mr. Jones announced we were going to run an extra day that we were not supposed to. I told him I could not run as I needed an extra bra (for my large and lovely breasts). Back in those days there wasn't all those fancy bras for running. Mr. Jones quickly reminded me of my NO EXCUSE clause and he made me run. I ran...and ended up tearing my right tit. Yes, you read it right...I ripped my right tit. It was hanging WAY long like past my waste band and hurt like hell. I had to go to the ER and I ended up with a boob wrap and antibiotics for a week. My mother wrote an excuse for Mr.Jones as I was not allowed to run for 2 weeks. It read " Dear Mr. Jones, lease excuse Lynn from running for the next 2 weeks inclusively as yesterday she ripped her tit during the run". I wanted to die of embarrassment! With the same big dumb smile as the pool porthole fiasco...Mr. Jones told me at the 10 year reunion that he had that excuse framed and it was proudly displayed in his recreation room.

Then, we went downhill skiing as a class. I was one of only a few who did not drop acid. For those of you unfamiliar with the term...I did not take the LSD like others on the bus. The ones who took the acid did an amazing job at skiing. They went to the top, tucked and flew down the hill laughing all the way! I did not fare so well. I got the purple dot required to go on the big chair...but fell at the top...could not get up and ended up being taken down the hill by snow mobile...after it took 3 beefy men to pick me up! I was too weak. I cried all day in the lodge. I was so embarrassed. It was even more embarrassing that Paulo from the Philippines who had never touched or seen snow ever in his life skied just fine! I wanted to die of embarrassment!

So, years later when I was invited by a fellow nurse to go skiing...I have no idea what happened but I instantly said yes! I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I went...but her patient teaching methods and my performance made me fall in love with the sport. Skiing also turned out to be a great bonding time for new friends. When I first moved to my new town, I hooked on to a new group of friends to ski. I was NOT good at it for many years....in fact, I ususally was the entertainment in the group with my @#%$&'d ski methods. I have some pretty crazy moments and stories to tell about those days too! One of my favorite was going with group of health care professionals....taking on ski jump like I was a pro...which I was NOT...flying in the air really high...having a ridiculous look of shock on my face...landing with a very loud thump...having the wind knocked out of me...and none of the health care professionals asking if I was OK...because they were all laughing hysterically...totally out of control hysterical laughter. One Respiratory Therapist almost peed his pants...and still giggles every time he sees me 15 years later! To this day, anyone in the group will laugh out loud at the mention of my ski jumping talent (or lack thereof).

Now, fifteen Years later, I am skiing black diamond runs and I am still amazed to be doing it. I am still not great...I won;t be getting any medals anytime soon...but I LOVE it! My teeth hurt because I smile all the way down to the bottom. The scenery takes my breath away. Sometimes I giggle like a school girl....alot of times actually. I almost feel like I could reach out and touch a cloud or heaven when I am at the top of a mountain. It is always surreal to me...never boring or taken for granted. I wish for everyone a sport or hobby or something that gives them a heavenly feeling like this!

I finally realized, my task was not to figure out the one answer but to learn how to live...
—Marjorie Williams

Lynn
;)