This week end I fell off the wagon...I have slipped right underneath the wheel and into a muddy rut! On Friday night I was "jones-ing" for a Big Mac. This is quite strange because even if I do go to McDonald's I always get a Quarter Pounder meal. I cannot remember the last time I had a Big Mac. Either way, I was going crazy and obsessed with having a Big Mac. I tried all of the diet tricks and mental distraction methods I have learned over the years. I tried drinking a coffee, then crunched on carrot sticks, then made Crystal Lite, then unsalted peanuts...nothing was working. I let 4 hours pass and decided it was no longer a 'flash in the pan" evil thought...it was something that had to be dealt with. So, at 1 am, I trudged up to McDonald's and ordered my Big Mac meal...and a cheese burger...and a cinnamelt!!! The poor cheese burger didn't even make it to the end of the McDonald's driveway. In fact, I do not even recall eating it. I just remember looking down at the empty cheese burger wrapper and wondering where the heck did that go? I don't think I even bit into it... I just inhaled it. I call this my shark response. When sharks gorge on a feast, their eyelids close to prevent blood from the victim getting into their eyes. That was me. I was in such a frenzy...I missed it!
When I got home I slowly enjoyed the Big Mac experience. It was everything I thought it would be...and more! I was in heaven...for a very short time. Then, I savored the Cinnamelt bite for bite...super slow...then licked the packaging dry. I was high and happy for about...5 minutes. Then, the Mc Gurgles settled in...the sweats, the gastric distress...then the overwhelming anger, guilt and shame. I not only sinned...I double sinned by eating very badly at 1 am!!! What the hell was I thinking? (I wasn't thinking...I was like a zombie!).
The good thing is instead of throwing my hands in the air in despair and beating myself to death...I resolved to exercise twice as much the next day to work it off and to get back on track. I am human after all.I went for my weekly walk with my gal pal and step dogs. It was a great walk... as always. I was feeling alot better about myself! Then, I went directly to the store on the way home from the walk and bought cigarettes! I savored Tim Horton's coffee and then smoked and smoked and smoked some more! Instead of going to the gym as planned, I smoked and did nothing! Then, I had to go out for some toilet paper...and came home with chips, dip and a double Mars bar and Coca Cola! I killed the chip dip in about 6 scoops, drank 3 large glasses of coke, then both Mars bars. Again, I had the shark syndrome. I did not recall the actual eating of the treats...just the aftermath...then the overwhelming anger, guilt and shame.
Emotional eating literally BITES!Emotional eating — eating as a way to suppress or soothe negative emotions, such as stress, anger, anxiety, boredom, sadness and loneliness — is sabotaging my weight-loss efforts. I guess I have to do some deep soul searching to figure out why I continue to do this. I cannot pin point exactly why I do not seem to have any will power. I can't figure out why I can't stop smoking and stop eating. Am I just too hard on myself? Or, does everybody go through this? What the hell is wrong with me? Thank goodness I am still exercising...otherwise I would be 100 pounds heavier right now...which is how I feel with that big ass wagon wheel sitting on my chest!
“Willpower is the ability to eat one salted peanut.”
Lynn
;)
Lynn.... maybe you are trying too much at once? When I met with my patients in our Life Skills work shops we encourage them to do one thing at a time, get used to it, then add on to it... I almost demand from them that they promise not to try to do it all at once--quitting smoking, giving up caffeine, changing their eating habits & and shopping and dining out habits), exercising, etc. I have them pick one small, attainable, concrete goal each week in each category and ask them to work on that and report on it the following week. We have found that it's too much-and is never successful--if they try to do too much all at the same time.
ReplyDeleteYou want this so badly, I know! Maybe you need to readjust your game plan? I feel your pain.. can honestly say I have been there and gone through all that you are going through with the cravings, bingeing, kicking yourself in the ass, etc. I still do all of the above believe me!
I have faith in you! One day at a time my sister!
Thanks Rita!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment! I have seen and heard this advice for many years...but I never actually 'heard' it until you said it. It rang loud and clear coming from someone with thier own weight loss struggles and victories! I have been exercising regularly at least 4 times a week,sometimes 5 since September. I am really enjoying my new regime. It is not a task...it is great decompression and social time. I have decided to stop dieting. I will concentrate on making good choices...but I will stop dropping carbs, or eating things that suck for the sake of a diet. I am smoking again...so I will make smoking cessation my next step. Damn cigarettes!