BEEEEEEEG LOUD BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

Just over a decade ago, my husband and I went diamond ring shopping before getting engaged. He wanted to see what I liked...I wanted control over what I was going to wear on my finger for the rest of my life. (This may come as a surprise to those who know me, but I happen to be a control freak.) So, we sauntered into THE local jewelry store in town to peruse the goods. Our plan was simply to see what I liked...point out a style of a diamond ring or two...and then hubby would make the ultimate decision and ‘surprise me’ with a pre-approved ring someday. It most certainly did not go as I had planned.

In my opinion, ‘THE’ jewelry store in our area has no competition. Their jewelry selection is superior to all...for half of the price. It is owned and managed by a local Greek family. I believe all of the employees are members of THE FAMILY. The store itself stands alone in an ‘out of the way’ location. There is high security there...mirrors, cameras and guard dogs in the main office. You have to push a button to be buzzed in and buzzed out. This high-security-level has sparked a rumor that this family-run store is affiliated with the mob...and to be perfectly honest… I don’t care if the rings have been chopped off of dead woman’s fingers because their jewelry is gorgeous with good prices!

We went straight to the diamond ring section and started looking through the glass cases filled with various styles of rings. I zeroed right in on the solitaires...because in my heart of hearts...I have always wanted a diamond solitaire ring. As I was leaning over the display case looking at the rings...the larger-than-life matriarch of the Greek family approached us and asked if she could assist us. My hubby said ‘we are looking for a diamond ring for our engagement’...and I excitedly pointed out a solitaire ring that I wanted to see up close. She looked at my selection…leaned back and crossed her arms across her huge bosom and said “NO”. I didn’t think she understood...so I said “oh yes...I want to see that diamond solitaire ring right there”. She leaned forward to speak...as if I did not hear her the first time and in a very thick Greek accent she said “NO...I say NO!” Now just in case I was hard of hearing...or possibly deaf...or partially retarded...she also shook her head in a defiant manner and waved her finger back and forth making a letter ‘Z’ in the air...changing finger directions in the air with each word...”NO” (across the top...”I SAY”...(back in the opposite direction)...“NO!” (Snappily finish off the air Z in Zorro-esque fashion). My jaw dropped...I did not know how to react to this....I started to wonder if I was on candid camera!

The larger-than-life big momma of the family leaned in very close to me, pointed her larger-than-life finger at my chest and quite loudly proclaimed..."You are NO TINY”…she opened her arms really wide and continued “YOU BEEEEEEEG...LOUD….BEAUTIFUL WOMAN...so you need...BEEEEEEEG...LOUD...BEAUTIFUL RING!” I meekly replied...”BUT...I wanted a solitaire”...and she loudly cut me off and once again and said “I SAAAAAAAAAAAAID NO!” She picked out the tray of trinity rings and said “You PEEEEEEEEEEEEICK ONE of these!” My jaw dropped again...I did not know how to react to this. I felt like a scolded child...I decided to stand my ground...and I shyly whispered,” can I see the solitaires?” She leaned forward...pointed her larger-than-life finger at my chest and reinforced her ground AGAIN...“I DOOOOON’T CARE! You are a BEEEEEEEG...LOUD….BEAUTIFUL WOMAN...so you need...BEEEEEEEG...LOUD...BEAUTIFUL RING!” and just like the soup Nazi on Seinfeld she said “NO SOLITAIRE FOR YOU!”

So, like anyone else fearing their life would do...I dutifully slipped on a trinity ring...and I instantly fell in love with the ring that I currently have. Now, you’d think my husband and I would have learned our lesson...we should have picked the ring she wanted me to wear and left...but nope...we didn’t. My hubby said “how much for this one?” She quickly snapped her head in both directions….apparently fearing that somebody heard his ridiculous question...she was ugly that he would mention such a thing in front of me...and she shot him a death glare (if you looked up “absolute disgust” in the dictionary you would see a picture of her face). She screamed at him “SHUUUUUUUT UP!” Who knew that simple words could actually whip across your face like a slap? She quickly pointed her larger-than-life finger at me and she said “YOU... BEAUTIFUL WOMAN… GET OUT!” I quickly decided that I did not need to be told twice and ran out to the car...after being buzzed out of course.

Mike and I had a strict budget...neither of us were interested in buying jewelry that is the equivalent in price of a luxury vehicle. We vowed to stick to the budget...regardless of unexpected death threats. After she revealed the price to him...he adamantly said “no way lady….that is not in our range”. Again, she quickly snapped her head in both directions…and whispered…“SHUUUUUUUT UP!” She lowered her head, covered her mouth to ensure that nobody could read her lips...and continued on “I like the BEEEEEEEG...LOUD….BEAUTIFUL WOMAN…she will have this ring…now pay….and GET OUT!” Risking his life at this point...he insisted on the next size down to accommodate our price range...and nervously crept sideways to the cash register (a la soup Nazi) and got buzzed out to safety.

A couple of weeks later, when Mike went to pick up the ring...the Greek matriarch was there patiently waiting for him. When she opened the ring box,the original larger-sized diamond trinity ring was staring up at him. My husband started to protest...he said “no lady...remember we downsized and paid for a smaller size.” She quickly cut him off, waved her hand in the air like she was batting away his words and calmly said, "I have no IDEEEEEEEEEA what you say about...GET OUT!” He tried to explain that he had paid for the smaller version...and she cut him off again, “I like the BEEEEEEEG...LOUD...BEAUTIFUL WOMAN...she will have this ring!” Again, she quickly snapped her head in both directions...shoved the ring-box in his hand and whispered “GET OUT!”

Now, I could end this story right here...all happy with my shiny diamond trinity ring...and simply “SHUUUUUUUUUT UP!” But, the story does not end here. Six months later...we returned to THE jewelry store to select our wedding bands. I don’t know how many of you out there believe in destiny, kismet, fate or any of the above...but somehow in a store of 20+ employees...we got the big momma again! I asked to see the plain white gold wedding bands. She looked absolutely exasperated with me and she said “look lady...you no tiny...OK? You BEEEEEEEG...YOU LOUD...YOU BEAUTIFUL...you need BEEEEEEEG...LOUD...BEAUTIFUL RING.” She picked out the matching diamond band for my engagement ring and said “this ring goes with that ring….here you go...that’s it.” I said “BUT”...and she twirled her finger in dismissal...willing me to turn around on my heels and GET OUT!

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.
Mae West

Lynn
;)