What did I do to deserve this?

I went to see a clairvoyant a couple of weeks ago. He told me that I am incredibly fortunate because I am surrounded by an army of soul mates. According to Wikipedia, a soul mate is ‘a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility.’ For some absurd reason...I truly believed that I was already pushing my luck to have the extraordinary experience of marrying my true soul mate for life...let alone being surrounded by many others! What did I do to deserve this?

My husband and I are cut from the same cloth; he is my perfect match and absolute best friend on this planet. I truly believe that he is carrying one half of my soul and holding it up to the sun for the entire world to see... and simultaneously guarding it fiercely. I know finding your life soul mate is a rarity...and in having one...I know I also have much to lose! I feel that my life is unbelievably blessed. In fact, I feel so fortunate that I live in sheer terror every day because of it. The clairvoyant went on to explain that soul mates are not only lovers...but also may be ordinary people sent to us to teach us extraordinary life lessons.

My self esteem and soul have been literally put through the wringer over the last couple of years. I took the chance of a lifetime and ventured out of a very comfortable and confident environment into the unknown...from the world of nursing into the world of business...and from a personal growth perspective...things did not work out for me. For the first time in my life...something did not come easy and I could not cope with it; I never had to before...I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I had the wind kicked right out of my sails...and then the sails were slit with a knife...and then shit and pissed on by a rogue pack of dogs...and then trampled on by a pack of elephants...you get the picture. I was beaten down to a pulp...focus lost, afraid, feeling worthless and tired. To add insult to injury...I was surrounded by some people who ‘get off’ on inflicting pain on others...on kicking them down until they can no longer even consider getting back up...make them spit blood and a tooth out...and then kick them down again until the victim is toothless...then break the dentures...you get the picture.

The ‘they’ that I refer to are a heartless string of evil people that I encountered in the business world...not just one person...but many...one-after-another-after another. ‘They’ can smell ‘insecurity’ and ‘they’ grin from ear to ear while ‘they’ pound the last ounce of piss and belief out of you...until all that is left is a tremendous and overwhelming sense of self doubt. The only way ‘they’ can feel big is to make others feel small...and I kept inviting them in! For some reason unbeknown to me...I continued to put on my game face...and eagerly walked right into the perpetual shit-kicking every day for four years...believing that some day it would all work out in the end...some day it would get better...but it didn’t...it got worse. I let it get the best of me....and I wasted so much time! You see...soul mates can be evil too...and it took me more time and bad lessons than I would like to admit to learn my lesson. The lesson was simple...why does a dog lick it's balls? Because it can! But instead of sticking up for myself...and telling these people to drift before any damage was done...I just kept sitting there wondering....day after day...asking for more shit sandwich please.......wallowing in self pity...what did I do to deserve this?

My entire life I have been able to float from group to group...person to person...and seamlessly integrate myself into any situation. I could eat lunch with the Queen of England...and party with a biker gang on the same day! I prided myself on being a chameleon...I participated in multiple life adventures...I could quickly sense a common bond with anyone...’change my colors’ and go with it...making everyone along the way feel good about themselves. The down side to this ‘talent’ is never really belonging anywhere...a square peg in a round hole...alone in a crowd...and profound loneliness. In the end, I was all-consumed by this negative experience...why was this happening to me? I felt myself to be too ‘strong’ to ask for help...to accept help...I felt unworthy and helpless. I near let myself drown before accepting the outstretched hands that were there all along. There they were...my beautiful soul mates...my gal pals...waiting patiently to pick me up and dust me off. What did I do to deserve this?

Until just recently, I did not pay any attention to these blunt messages in the form of soul mates being sent my way...in fact, I kept on inviting in the evil ones and I batted the beautiful soul mates away like flies! I was being sent soul mates left and right...with messages loud and clear...but I could not hear them. I am constantly surrounded by people encouraging me to write a book...tell a story...they want to hear what I have to say. Why do I continue to doubt myself...why am I so scared? I have a friend discover she has breast cancer...another thyroid cancer...another endured a near death experience...what was God trying to tell me? All of these messages were clearly telling me life is too short...you cannot count on tomorrow...you cannot waste another minute. Why wouldn’t I listen? Why couldn’t I hear it? There are no tickets for sale in the ‘lottery of life’. I am not going to win the ‘life-lottery-sweepstakes’ and suddenly wake up 100 pounds lighter tomorrow with an over stuffed bank account a published book and a ‘perfect life’. Despite these life altering experiences...they all continued to encourage me to write my book...to speak publicly...to put myself out there. Who would have thought that my life passion could be easily handed to me by an otherwise casual observer? Who would have thought that ‘soul mates’ could see me better than I could? They all took time out of their precious lives...and looked past their own personal battles to tell me that they believed in me! The least I could do in return is clean the shit out of my ears...and listen to the whispers of my soul mates...and believe in myself. In absolute awe of this overwhelming support and encouragement, I asked one of my newest found soul mates "What did I do to deserve this?" She was exasperated with me and answered..."You were born... dumb ass!"

‘I have seen and met angels wearing the disguise of ordinary people living ordinary lives.’ (Tracy Chapman).

Lynn
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