The Ticker Tape In My Head

Do things that annoy you happen more when you are annoyed...or are you just so annoyed that anything that normally annoys you annoys you more? You know, those days where you wake up late...stub your toe...can’t find your keys...drop everything you touch...get paper cuts...have no coffee filters to make the much needed coffee...then get lemon juice or alcohol or something painful in the paper cuts...then stub your toe again...break a finger nail...poke the mascara wand into your eye...deal with the black smear across your face now that has ruined your make up...lose the dry cleaning ticket stub to claim your clothes...of course add in a really bad hair day...get stabbed in the armpit with the under wire from your bra...all the while screaming blue bloody murder expletives’ to nobody into the air?

I learned the hard way that should stay at home when I am in a super pissy state because a couple of weeks ago, I made the brutal mistake of going out while in a really bad mood...and I paid for it dearly! I had the displeasure of ‘bumping into’ an acquaintance at the mall that annoys the hell out of me...because she is a QUIET TALKER! You know, those people who speak in a low mumble-esque whisper all the time and you cannot figure out what the hell they are saying...even if you did want to hear what they are saying...which I did not want to hear! To make matters worse...she goes on-and-on-and-on-and-on-and-on about absolutely nothing…meaningless dribble...a total waste of oxygen! Whatever bits and pieces you can piece together are negative...very negative comments and vibes and empty complaints...non-stop-negative-verbal-vomit! I’d rather listen to her recite her grocery list than whatever the hell she is bitch-whispering on about. Before I plan some sort of desperate escape plan, I try to interject several times to no avail. To confirm her lunacy, I decide to go with the “SO ANYWAY” test. This is where you say something absolutely absurd to see if they are even listening to you...I said “I actually used to be a man...but my penis was blown off in an unfortunate accident”...the abrasive mumbler pauses for a brief second...there is a slight glimmer of hope that she may have heard what I said...but nope...she doesn’t skip a beat and says “SO ANYWAY!” and continues on with her miserable mumble-jumbo ramblings. This is my sign to do something (anything) to escape this madness...I know now that she has failed the SO ANYWAY test that she will not even recall that I was ever here or rude or terrorized by her...I want to scream...”SO ANYWAY” and run for my life!


It is in these painful times that I am ever so grateful that nobody can read the ticker tape in my head!On she goes...babbling incessantly...whisper-mumbling at me...whatever (yawn)...no need for my input( or presence for all that matters) at all...so on-and-on-and-on and-on…goes the ticker tape inside my head...”Aw Jesus...why did I have to go out of the house today? Will you please make her shut up? What are the shit-chances of me and her colliding at this mall full of people at the same time? SHUT UP LADY!!!! Why me GOD? Does she even take a breath? Why can’t she just shut the hell up? Can the floor just open up and suck her in...nobody would even hear her scream...as I am sure it is a whisper too!" I wonder if she hears elevator music in her head...or the classic on-hold tunes...or maybe even Circus music when nobody is around? With her mindless jabber she could not possibly form real thoughts or dreams? I imagine her actually being sucked into the floor...and a tiny little smile crosses my face...which unfortunately encourages the quiet talker to keep on babbling faster! I discover she is babbling on about how amazing she is at something...which leads to my second wave of nausea...as I find people who incessantly pat their own backs make me very uncomfortable...I find it disturbing...and now I am really feeling punished just for being alive at this point. My ticker tape keeps screaming...“I need to escape!! Please Jesus...Should I feign an illness...chest pain? Please get me away from this babbling fool! Where is a good flood, earthquake or natural disaster when you need one? Please make her F#$% off and die...OK?” Without any conscious thought, I just started walking away from her...to which she replied, “Coffee! What an amazing idea…let’s go!” I will also add at this point she said this very loud and clear. I was feeling desperate...panic-stricken...like I was in jail on my way to the electric chair...except going to the electric chair was a much better option than spending one more miserable minute with her...and suddenly my cell phone rings...Yahoo!...Thank you!” Somebody should invent an application so you can 'will' your cell phone to ring on command....by mental telepathy. I politely raise a finger...which in my world is the universal sign to shut the hell up while I answer the phone...for mumblkins to take a freaking breath...but she doesn’t...bla, bla, bla...by this point all I can hear is the Charlie Brown teacher’s incoherent babbling...I must have a look on my face at this point...I feel like my nose is crunched up like something smells rancid...the look on my face should covey that a huge rusty nail has been impaled into my brain. I know my head is beat red as I an UGLY now...this look should have exuded a “please F@#$$ off and leave me the hell alone...forever!". But,the mumbles-from-hell is in her own world...does not need any input from anyone whatsoever...just an involuntary voyeur to her meaningless dribble...she may as well blabber to a coat rack. My ticker tape goes on to say... “Listen...I just don’t like listening to you babble on-and-on-and-on-and-on-and-on about yourself...you mumble so low I cannot hear you anyway...but if I could hear you...I wouldn't want to... you negative miserable sow...in fact, I find you very toxic...but what I do hear is negative or self appreciative and quite honestly very embarrassing and uncomfortable for me...so I am going to go...and I do not want you to follow me...I want you to pretend you have never met me for the rest of your life...OK?”

I answer the phone “HELLO?!” Thank God it is my husband...he automatically knows my distress tone...so he will understand when I inappropriately speak to him...he says “what’s going on?” I sweetly answer “Oh, I am just at the mall chatting with ---- (insert mumbles name here) ----...he automatically knows by the name that I am in hell...so I continue on, “What? I can’t believe I forgot all about that! What time is he coming? Oh my goodness...how long are you home for? Oh my goodness...I better get my ass home right now...can you call him back and say I will be a little late? NO? Shit! Well...I better get going right now!” and I hang up. I look at the mumbles...and point at my watch and say “SO ANYWAY... I was almost late for that...I got to run!” and I run away from her as fast as possible...without looking back.


“If life gives you a bowl of lemons, go find an annoying guy with paper cuts”-anonymous

Lynn
;)

"Oprah-itis" and the Vision Board

Did you ever notice that life is like a country music song? If you have a heart break or life crisis of some sort... the lyrics of every song you hear seems to have been written just for your own predicament? I am not sure if this phenomenon actually has a name....but in my case...instead of a country song... it is "Oprah-itis". I have been watching The Oprah Show ever since the very beginning in the 80's...WAY back when her hair and jewelry was HUGE...she wore obnoxiously bright neon 80's colors...and people could actually call in to the show to voice their opinions. Oprah always seemed to know what I needed to hear...and just in the nick of time. For example...one time when I was going through a life-altering-career- crushing crisis...I was miserable...and bitter...rage was eating me alive....and out of the blue...on my worst day ever...Oprah looked right at me and said "the disappointments in life are to make you better....not bitter (Oscar Wilde)". I shit you not...she looked directly through the camera ...pointed her finger at me and said this life altering statement to me. Then she went on to say that "resentment is like drinking the poison and expecting someone else to die from it." From that day forward I have stood taller and carried the mantra of "better not bitter" with me everywhere I go...saying it whenever I get ugly about something or someone. Fortunately, I did not know then that this crisis was the best thing that ever happened to me...as I had some life lessons to learn...but looking back on it now....I am so grateful I got screwed...otherwise I would currently be really screwed! As they say...everything happens for a reason...thank God! This quote of Oscar Wilde's...as quoted by Oprah... knocked me right off the pity party train...and although I was totally alone at the time...I said "Thanks O!" ...out loud.

Another day on Oprah, she featured how (and why) you should create a vision board for your life. A vision board is a poster/cork board on which you paste or collage images that you’ve torn out from various magazines in order to surround yourself with images of who you want to become, what you want to have, where you want to live, or where you want to vacation, and your life changes to match those images and those desires. The show featured celebrities and regular folk...explaining why their vision boards had what they had on them...and in the end...their visions (and dreams) eventually started to materialize. So, with the intent to make things happen...I have finally finished my vision board. I have had pictures cut out for this board for a long time...sitting in a Superstore bag on the floor...under my desk...not very easy too visualize the dreams I've selected for sure! So, I bought a big-ass cork board....some clear tacks...and I got rocking at it!

The good news is I am a big dreamer. The bad news is I am a big dreamer. Dreaming is good....but until you have focus to actually implement a plan....all you have is dreams....nothing tangible. I have a million ideas....and tons of stuff I want to do...so my head is always abuzz with activity....leaving me little to no time to focus or act upon these ideas...I think about the next ideas while trying to work on the current idea. (Have I confused you yet?) I want to write and publish a book. I want to deliver motivational seminars for women...I want to develop physical assessment seminars and mentor new nurses...I want to connect more with my girlfriends. I want to laugh more and worry less...I want to travel with my hubby more...and of course...the ultimate dream/reality... I will be on The Oprah Show! With those ideas in mind...I gathered my huge stack of magazines and started clipping away...with tunes blaring and wee sips of wine....and kaboom....out it came....my big-ass temporary cork-board masterpiece! It is a dynamic and fluid masterpiece...meaning it will change as ideas or pictures that strike my fancy arise. Thanks O!

Another inspirational day to get my board started surfaced day a couple of weeks ago. I was riddled with self doubt...disappointed that I was suffering from writers block...not getting stuff done that I needed to get done...making excuses...not writing as I had planned to...day dreaming too much...not getting where I need to go...and then I suddenly dropped something on the floor. As I bent over to pick it up...there was Oprah on the cover of her O magazine...smiling up at me...and the headline screamed at me "YOU'RE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW!" Then, from there...I grabbed some more O Magazines and started snipping pictures and phrases....starting with the "YOU'RE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW!" caption of course! Once again...I snapped out of my pity party frenzy and simply said "Thanks again Big-O!" (Obviously my idea of a BIG-O is different than most!)

My vision board started with a million dollar bill in the center. Years ago a girl friend gave me the million dollar bill in a money card for a birthday present. I am so glad that I kept it tucked away in my panty drawer all these years...because this simple item was the inspiration to get this whole vision board a rolling! I added tropical beach pictures and sea scapes with me and my baby walking the water lines...statements that say "Beach Within Reach"..."Paradise"..."Escape Completely"..."World Cruise"...and my favorite "Live Vicariously Through No One." I also added some sassy and confident bathing-suit-clad babes...and physically fit chicks climbing rocks, biking, swimming, golfing (sounds like a tampon commercial I know...but no white pants or horses for me thanks!). To remain focused to reach my weight loss goals for our cruise in January...I also added captions that read..."Live healthy"..."Get Fit"...and "There is no better time to be focused on you!". With all this in mind I also added some pictures of healthy foods...beautiful dream home decor pictures, my own private jet and one of my favorites is the image of the world in my hands!

Of course, my vision board had to have images of Oprah on it. Some of the most pertinent and important messages jumped at me right from the O magazine pages (no surprise I know)..."Live your best life"..."LIVE. RIGHT. NOW." I plan to be on her show...laugh hysterically and chit chat about my book...go out to dinner with her....I will give her an autographed copy of my book...some Canadian Maple Syrup....those cheesy Moose Poop chocolate candy gift bags found at the airport gift shops(a pun on Canadian-a)...she will laugh....and slap her knee...she will ask me "where have you been all my life?" and we will both crack up like fools! Oprah and I are going to have so much fun...just chillax and laugh like girl friends do...she will open my book to her favorite pages that have been marked with tiny 'Post It' stickers...she'll ask me to read some bits...she will glue the first Oprah's book club sticker on my book...I'll make Stedman blush while he cooks us dinner...Oprah will pee hysterically with laughter...we'll eat some awesome cheese and chocolate dipped strawberries.. and sip on our wine...we'll drink until we fall down laughing some more...exchange e mail addresses...send each other Christmas cards...you know how it will all go...and so do I now that my board is a reality.

I was so excited to step back and assess the vision board when it all came together. It is amazing what happens when you let your heart do the talking...I cut out random pictures and statements as they caught my attention...and in my humble opinion...my life blue print...is better than Picasso...to me that is...and only me. Thanks O!

“A vision is not just a picture of what could be; it is an appeal to our better selves, a call to become something more.”-Rosabeth Moss Kanter quotes

Lynn
;)