The Ticker Tape In My Head

Do things that annoy you happen more when you are annoyed...or are you just so annoyed that anything that normally annoys you annoys you more? You know, those days where you wake up late...stub your toe...can’t find your keys...drop everything you touch...get paper cuts...have no coffee filters to make the much needed coffee...then get lemon juice or alcohol or something painful in the paper cuts...then stub your toe again...break a finger nail...poke the mascara wand into your eye...deal with the black smear across your face now that has ruined your make up...lose the dry cleaning ticket stub to claim your clothes...of course add in a really bad hair day...get stabbed in the armpit with the under wire from your bra...all the while screaming blue bloody murder expletives’ to nobody into the air?

I learned the hard way that should stay at home when I am in a super pissy state because a couple of weeks ago, I made the brutal mistake of going out while in a really bad mood...and I paid for it dearly! I had the displeasure of ‘bumping into’ an acquaintance at the mall that annoys the hell out of me...because she is a QUIET TALKER! You know, those people who speak in a low mumble-esque whisper all the time and you cannot figure out what the hell they are saying...even if you did want to hear what they are saying...which I did not want to hear! To make matters worse...she goes on-and-on-and-on-and-on-and-on about absolutely nothing…meaningless dribble...a total waste of oxygen! Whatever bits and pieces you can piece together are negative...very negative comments and vibes and empty complaints...non-stop-negative-verbal-vomit! I’d rather listen to her recite her grocery list than whatever the hell she is bitch-whispering on about. Before I plan some sort of desperate escape plan, I try to interject several times to no avail. To confirm her lunacy, I decide to go with the “SO ANYWAY” test. This is where you say something absolutely absurd to see if they are even listening to you...I said “I actually used to be a man...but my penis was blown off in an unfortunate accident”...the abrasive mumbler pauses for a brief second...there is a slight glimmer of hope that she may have heard what I said...but nope...she doesn’t skip a beat and says “SO ANYWAY!” and continues on with her miserable mumble-jumbo ramblings. This is my sign to do something (anything) to escape this madness...I know now that she has failed the SO ANYWAY test that she will not even recall that I was ever here or rude or terrorized by her...I want to scream...”SO ANYWAY” and run for my life!


It is in these painful times that I am ever so grateful that nobody can read the ticker tape in my head!On she goes...babbling incessantly...whisper-mumbling at me...whatever (yawn)...no need for my input( or presence for all that matters) at all...so on-and-on-and-on and-on…goes the ticker tape inside my head...”Aw Jesus...why did I have to go out of the house today? Will you please make her shut up? What are the shit-chances of me and her colliding at this mall full of people at the same time? SHUT UP LADY!!!! Why me GOD? Does she even take a breath? Why can’t she just shut the hell up? Can the floor just open up and suck her in...nobody would even hear her scream...as I am sure it is a whisper too!" I wonder if she hears elevator music in her head...or the classic on-hold tunes...or maybe even Circus music when nobody is around? With her mindless jabber she could not possibly form real thoughts or dreams? I imagine her actually being sucked into the floor...and a tiny little smile crosses my face...which unfortunately encourages the quiet talker to keep on babbling faster! I discover she is babbling on about how amazing she is at something...which leads to my second wave of nausea...as I find people who incessantly pat their own backs make me very uncomfortable...I find it disturbing...and now I am really feeling punished just for being alive at this point. My ticker tape keeps screaming...“I need to escape!! Please Jesus...Should I feign an illness...chest pain? Please get me away from this babbling fool! Where is a good flood, earthquake or natural disaster when you need one? Please make her F#$% off and die...OK?” Without any conscious thought, I just started walking away from her...to which she replied, “Coffee! What an amazing idea…let’s go!” I will also add at this point she said this very loud and clear. I was feeling desperate...panic-stricken...like I was in jail on my way to the electric chair...except going to the electric chair was a much better option than spending one more miserable minute with her...and suddenly my cell phone rings...Yahoo!...Thank you!” Somebody should invent an application so you can 'will' your cell phone to ring on command....by mental telepathy. I politely raise a finger...which in my world is the universal sign to shut the hell up while I answer the phone...for mumblkins to take a freaking breath...but she doesn’t...bla, bla, bla...by this point all I can hear is the Charlie Brown teacher’s incoherent babbling...I must have a look on my face at this point...I feel like my nose is crunched up like something smells rancid...the look on my face should covey that a huge rusty nail has been impaled into my brain. I know my head is beat red as I an UGLY now...this look should have exuded a “please F@#$$ off and leave me the hell alone...forever!". But,the mumbles-from-hell is in her own world...does not need any input from anyone whatsoever...just an involuntary voyeur to her meaningless dribble...she may as well blabber to a coat rack. My ticker tape goes on to say... “Listen...I just don’t like listening to you babble on-and-on-and-on-and-on-and-on about yourself...you mumble so low I cannot hear you anyway...but if I could hear you...I wouldn't want to... you negative miserable sow...in fact, I find you very toxic...but what I do hear is negative or self appreciative and quite honestly very embarrassing and uncomfortable for me...so I am going to go...and I do not want you to follow me...I want you to pretend you have never met me for the rest of your life...OK?”

I answer the phone “HELLO?!” Thank God it is my husband...he automatically knows my distress tone...so he will understand when I inappropriately speak to him...he says “what’s going on?” I sweetly answer “Oh, I am just at the mall chatting with ---- (insert mumbles name here) ----...he automatically knows by the name that I am in hell...so I continue on, “What? I can’t believe I forgot all about that! What time is he coming? Oh my goodness...how long are you home for? Oh my goodness...I better get my ass home right now...can you call him back and say I will be a little late? NO? Shit! Well...I better get going right now!” and I hang up. I look at the mumbles...and point at my watch and say “SO ANYWAY... I was almost late for that...I got to run!” and I run away from her as fast as possible...without looking back.


“If life gives you a bowl of lemons, go find an annoying guy with paper cuts”-anonymous

Lynn
;)