Letter to Michelle

Hello Michelle


How are you? How do you like your new place? I am certain that you’ve already made a name for yourself and everyone adores you! I cannot possibly express how much I miss you! I actually feel like there is a HUGE hole in my chest....like a Bugs Bunny cartoon where Sylvester the Cat would be shot through the chest with a cannon...leaving a big through-and-through hole. I know I have to stop being so selfish...wishing you back. I keep picking up the phone to call you...we have so much to catch up on...but Thank God I come to my senses...as I would surely sound like a lunatic leaving you a message to call me back...or emailing you. I know you are needed where you are...they are so lucky to have you!

I hope that you still need your hearing aids up there. People at work are telling me their favourite stories about working with you...and your answers to what you thought you heard versus what they actually said...resulting in gut busting laughs time and time again! Remember that time I told you about Mike’s chat with deaf old man Les at the bar? There was a wicked heat wave one year and Mike asked Les “How do you like this heat Les?” and Lester answered “Teeth! I ain’t got no teeth!” I loved those damned hearing aids...it made your voice louder...and your presence in a room well known...but it wasn’t the hearing issue...it was your contagious and effervescent glow. At least you had the hearing aid excuse for inappropriate answers or behaviours... I had no excuse! LOL! Remember how you’d pull at your ears to feign deafness when you actually didn’t want to hear whatever bullshit was going on? That was a hoot...I would always have to turn away and feign a cough to cover up my laughter!

I must say I feel so blessed that you fell into my life as you did. I find it so crazy that we worked side by side as acquaintances more or less for well over a decade...and then after you moved away we veered into this deep heart and soul connection via long and tearful/funny/ serious/ counsellor-esque Dr. Phil-would-be-proud type emails. You got me through many a rough patch...and to this day when I feel troubled I ask myself “WWMD” (what would Michelle do?). One of my favourite pieces of calm down advice you gave me is “God takes care of drunks and little children.” I inappropriately smile when some near death experience drunken moron rolls through the ER doors....surviving without a scratch. People probably think I am sick with that smirk/smile on my face...but it is because I am thinking of you and it helps to calm me down. I often think of that magical night that we were both able to comfort our “teacup collector” friend...to both be present to get him through his soul mate’s death. What an amazing twist of fate... I know that you cherished the teacups from his mammoth collection that he gave you. It is those random connections through life that makes it so magical don’t you think? What are the chances that this teacup man would cross our paths many times over many years? What are the chances over and above that we’d both be working and have the time to be there for him...together on one of the worst days of his life... during his time of need? What a Virtue indeed! (I thought you’d get a kick out of that!).

I am so grateful for my blog! It was the blog that truly drew us together...you started to write to me first about that...and then we gradually dove deeper into our realities/hopes/dreams. Without judgement...we could openly vent and whine with no expectations of patronizing advice or action to be taken...just shoulders to whine on and open ears and hearts. What an amazing gift you had... to realize that you were exactly where you were supposed to be and had been blessed with a great husband and amazing kids!! If it weren’t for the blog I would never have had the immense pleasure of meeting your fabulous mother, Sharon. I thought you were nuts when you told me she was a HUGE fan of my blog and wanted to meet me. One of my all time favourite and everlasting memories of my lifetime will be our wild and crazy Cape Breton adventure...for it has surely changed my life forever...on so many levels. How it is even possible to remember this trip after drinking such vast quantities’ of wine is beyond me...must be just meant to be....just as that kick ass road kill hat was NOT meant to be ($350!)That funky hat store visit was hysterical fun! I kept asking you both... “What did I ever do to deserve you guys?” and both of you rolled your eyes in frustration and exasperatedly said, “You were born! Damn it! You were born!” I am so blessed to have been invited into the hearth of your family’s home. I am so grateful that you shared them with me. I cannot possibly verbalize how this short but extremely meaningful trip, has positively changed my life forever.

It was on that week end we got to laugh hysterically about your NDE (near death experience). How much fun was that for you to proclaim your “special” status as the “NDE girl” with privileges’ of being in line first, selecting the stores we would shop in, deciding what was for supper? “Uh...excuse me...I am the NDE girl...so we’ll do what I want!” LOL! It was over this week end that I got to share my sheer terror during the time we almost lost you. I ate an entire bag of donuts over the 10 minute course of Maurice’s phone call to tell me about your critical and uncertain situation...I don’t even like donuts! I had no regrets because I had told you that I loved you and adored you all the time before the “kerfuffle” as my Mother would say. I was so grateful that I had told you these things...all the time...for no reason other than you had to know. I spoke to you all the time over those stressful weeks...I kept telling you to wake up...I screamed at you... “How dare you make me love you so much...and then leave me?” I prayed to God...and made those usual stress-based promises to never do this or never do that ever again if He let you live. I was elated to have the chance to tell you in person how profoundly devastated I was at the thought of never seeing you again. I loved that we laughed about how you were able to cheat Death...and kick him swiftly in the crotch! (Looks like the asshole got the last laugh on that one; I know you’ll get a kick out of that one!). It was unimaginable at the time...but somehow we got closer than ever...we were so fortunate...so blessed to have such a priceless opportunity...say anything we ever felt or wanted to say...no- holds-barred! We got another 2 years almost to the day...it wasn’t enough...but certainly better than no opportunity at all...laughing all the way! It was on that weekend you rubbed my back and made what I thought was my worst fear of puking...less traumatic. It was on that weekend that you told me that you felt one of your roles in life was to propel me to greatness...if only you knew then how profoundly you affected me and every move that I will make in the future because of you.

So, along comes the unavoidable diagnosis....at least a warning with a timeline of sorts. I still can’t decide which was scarier...or worse...truthfully I think both ways sucked shit...I personally wouldn’t chose either...as I am sure you wouldn’t have either! I listened to you...told you I was strong and would ALWAYS be there...but I smoked and emotionally ate anything while we talked...sometimes I just recall setting down the empty package or wrapper and having no recollection of eating whatever it was. You didn’t want me to ask you how you were doing...you always called me for diversion...and I happily gave it to you...so glad we got to keep laughing like fools...I LOVED your sound advice...I LOVED our chats about the nursing book and seminars we were going to do...I LOVED how we talked about you managing my “Chubby Chicken” book tour...I LOVED your enthusiasm...your passion...your pride in your family...everything about you!

The final visit in Sydney was both tragic and priceless. I got to see you in your parent’s home and celebrate you once again...but the reality of your fate when I saw you slapped me in the face. You looked so fabulous in the red wig and purple feather boa that I brought for you! I loved how you strutted about and flung your new locks like a super model. We got to laugh and chat and hug and kiss. You told me to get my book done and publish it...you told me to save the nurses...you made me promise to live my best life...and I will not let you down my friend. On the night you died, I felt you rubbing my back again...telling me everything was going to be OK. I was confused at the time...but totally understood when I got the news the next day. I am so grateful again that you took some time out to help me out...like you always did. You were one of the few that recognized my heart and head are actually made out of glass...and not stone like most would think.

As promised, I will share the secrets to a great life from the most amazing woman I have ever known:

Don’t think a must do thing in life is a bucket list...don’t cross things off as it is a reminder of time that is no longer there. What happens when you cross off the last thing...are you done? Take life day by day...don’t ever waste a moment wishing you coulda, shoulda, woulda. Don’t put your life on hold waiting for a specific number on the scale, marriage or life event, or lotto win...don’t ever say “I’ll be happy when this or that happens”...that would be tragic...be happy now...be happy in the minutiae of daily things like sunshine, family, friends, your morning coffee, your garden, your dog holding its leash in his mouth. Life is not a race...you don’t “win” by taking the most trips, making the most money, having the most friends on Facebook...you get the picture...it’s about what’s happening now...not maybe later...there may not be a later. Laundry, housekeeping, dusting, and daily activities of must do’s will always exist so get on with it and be grateful you have a house to keep, or dust bunnies, or dirty laundry from your family living life as they should. There is no prize for having the cleanest or tidiest house, laundry will still be there tomorrow...so don’t obsess over such an unimportant things. If you have to choose between coffee and chocolate cake with a friend or something else...the choice is obvious. Don’t pulverize yourself for eating it either!! Eating a spoonful of icing right out of the can never killed anyone. Life is too short not to bake brownies and chocolate chip cookies...nothing is better than having your house smell like that and watching your kids eat them through a smile while they tell you about their day in school. Live, Love, Laugh is not just a cheesy sign to hang above a door. Spend as much time as possible surrounded by your feel good friends and family, call them, e mail them, send a card and most of all tell them that you love them and adore them as much as you can (but not like a stalker maniac or anything!). If someone consistently drags you down with negativity or makes you feel bad about yourself...cut them off and kick them to the curb...people should want to be around you and lift you up just because you are you...they are lucky to have met you...and YES you are worth it...just because you were born!

I miss you terribly my friend. I will chat to you often, especially when swinging in the hammock of my gazebo...drinking wine like we did. I will think of you, smile from ear to ear, lift my glass and say Cheers to my fabulous friend!

“Don’t forget out heart to heart meetings on the star that Abraham lit just for you...I will bring the wine!”

Love,

Lynn