Have you ever noticed that everything breaks or malfunctions all at the same time? I have never owned a watch for more than three months. I am not sure if it is my internal electromagnetic field or what…but they all ultimately fail or mysteriously disappear (maybe go to “sock heaven”…now there’s a theory!) Either way, I do not buy expensive watches because I know their fate the day I buy them. All of my make up runs out at the exact same time…or the shadows and blushes all crack and break. I also have had the misfortune of electrical appliance break down all at the same time! In one week my Braun hand mixer, toaster, coffee maker, and blender all died…that was one hell of an expensive week!
A couple of weeks ago…I had disastrous “over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder” breakdown. One day I was walking along…minding my own business…and suddenly felt a stabbing pain in my armpit…an all too familiar pain…which was total blow out of the under wire in my right ‘cup’. I literally have permanent scars in my armpits and chin from these blow outs! I shit you not…a couple times the under wire has popped right up the center…like a cleavage -jack-in-the-box and stabbed me right in the chin! Typically, I just rip out the offensive piece of wire and move along…with crooked boobs for the rest of the day. One time…I ripped out a dysfunctional under wire and whipped it on the head of a male colleague and said “Hey Johnny…now you know your hat size is a 44 double D!” We all had a great laugh out of that one!
This takes me back to another wonderful time in my life when I was single. Now I would LOVE to maintain the illusion for any of my male followers that I only wear G strings, hot red leather and lace, ass floss-esque-undies… and Victoria’s Secret diamond encrusted bras (with the big ass wings, 6 inch heels and fan blowing in my face)…but unfortunately…those things sit in the back bottom section of my underwear drawer for very special occasions only…where functionality is not required…and average wear time is less than 10 minutes…and walking in the heels is not actually required. In real life…real women prefer Wal-Mart granny panties and comfy bras! So, I digress…in those single days…all I did was work and party…sleeping was not priority. One night, after a 12 hour day shift…I threw all of my laundry in the washer and went out to paint the town red. When I arrived home…I was hammered and seeing double…and threw everything in the dryer…so I would have something fresh and clean to wear to work in the morning. Imagine my surprise…when I opened the dryer…and discovered that all of my under wear collection and nursing uniforms were washed with a permanent black ‘Sharpie’ marker!! I was lucky because some of my undies looked intentionally like they were from the “101 Dalmatians’” collection! Flat broke and with no time to spare…I whipped on my “dysfunctional-black -spotted –underwear” and ran off to attend a physical assessment seminar. Imagine my horror…when I learned at the end of the day…we all had to strip down to our undies and don a patient gown…and ‘assess’ each other. Besides being humiliated with the Dalmatian-spotted Wal-Mart specials…I also had some nicely placed holes in my panties…a little ‘muff-puff’-peek-a-boo” if you know what I am saying! I wanted to projectile vomit!
So, imagine my dismay as I suffered bra breakdown over the next 3 days…until I was down to the emergency stock…which are 2 sizes too small…not fit to be seen in…tortuous devices…that should only be worn in a “break glass in case of emergency” situation. You all now what I am talking about…the ones your mother warned you not to wear…in case you got in an accident? Where “Grey Cup” is not just the name of a big football game in the Canadian Football League? The “MacGyver bras”…that are missing hooks, have holes, hair dye on them…and held together with a safety pins, duct tape and chewing gum? How about the Thanksgiving bras…you know where “my cups runneth over?” This is what makes my bras my frenemy… a blend of friend + enemy. According to Dictionary.com, a frenemy is “person who is ostensibly friendly or collegial with someone but who is actually antagonistic or competitive.” My bra is all nice to my twins in the beginning of that day…but as the day goes on…the bra twists, tightens and torments like a boa constrictor…laughs at me…and then blatantly stabs me in the armpit or the chin!
Obviously, I was left with no choice but to get out and buy some new stock….and I decided that I was going for quality rather than quantity. I went to a classy BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) store…or as my mother would call it…”the chubby chicken store”...to be professionally measured for my correct bra size. I simply told the woman that I would not accept a “G-CUP” rating…so lie if she must! After a good little chuckle…I was shocked and pleased to hear that I am actually a 42 D. She introduced me to the most comfortable bra I have ever met. Typically, as soon as I get home…my bra is whipped right off over my head and slung-shot across the room before the door closes behind me! This new bra feels like my second skin…and lifts the twins right back up to their rightful place in life…no more staring down at the ground in shame! I look like I have lost 10 pounds…and I feel like a million bucks! I got a tame nude bra…and a funky chick wild woman bra…with multi-colored bright stripes and matching undies…both functionality and sex kitten qualities! So, bottom line…I am no longer a fan of neither the “101Dalmations” lingerie line…nor the Wal-Mart granny panty special…I am holding my fingers in the Brownie promise position…and I swear to build myself a spectacular and environmentally friendly bra collection!
“The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing.”-Johnny Depp
Lynn
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