Every time I embark on a weight loss journey, I typically almost get to the 20 pound mark...and then eat and eat and eat some more. I leave the scales...from whatever weight loss program I happen to be on...elated that I am 1 pound away from a bench mark...super motivated more than ever to hit that big number the following week...and then eat myself into a really nice 5 pound gain in one week. I am not sure 100% why...but this pattern has been going on for the majority of my adult life.
I have a major problem whenever I start to lose a significant weight...fear. The root of this fear...or what I actually fear...I cannot pin point…but I have made major progress in identifying that I am scared...uncomfortable...terrified really. One time when I was about 50 pounds lighter I went out to dinner with my husband. There was a table full of business men...they were 50ish and I was 30...they would not STOP staring at me...they were inappropriately eye-screwing me all night.I asked Mike “why are they STARING at me like this?” Of course, being a wonderful (and sometimes wise) hubby he simply stated “because you are so beautiful baby!” I suppose this is every woman’s dream to hear such a thing come out of their hubby's mouths...but it did not comfort or soothe me...I wanted the floor to open up and suck me in...I feel incredible anxiety right now just speaking of this. Why...I do not know…I was so uncomfortable! I remember I had to pee...but I could not bare getting up and walking by the table of perverts. Normally, we do not indulge in dessert when we go out to eat...but I immediately started building my fat shield right back up again...and ordered caramel saturated cheese cake. I did not stop eating for the next 3 months...until I reached my original heavy-weight title again.
Four years ago I lost 50 pounds on the ‘Simply For Life’ plan. This was the all time greatest weight loss I had ever accomplished…and quite easily I might add. I was also running regularly...about 15-20 km a week. To be quite honest...I never felt better in my life...until the attention came! I gave away all of my fat clothes...declared I would never be fat ever again...and quickly ballooned up to 275 pounds! So...what the hell happened? I looked amazing...I felt amazing...and then people (mostly men) started treating me differently and I could not handle it. I love to flirt...safely flirt that is. I flirt with married men or gay men...or strictly unavailable and unattainable men...and I had on my “wonder woman-esque” wedding band for safety...you know those wrist bands Wonder Woman wore to deflect bullets? I can blind their stares with the shine of my diamond...and make them forget what they are thinking! But...as my waste line shrunk…the harmless flirting suddenly became tainted. Men, who respected me, with whom I had worked with or hung out with side by side, man friends who I joked around with for years...suddenly became giddy, awkward and distant...would run away and whisper amongst themselves...or avoid me altogether. I was the same person I always was...nothing changed...I was a happily married woman...just skinnier.
So, subconsciously...or maybe even consciously...I started to rebuild my fat shield. I ate anything and everything in sight to put everything back to ‘normal’ again. I was really successful this time, I stopped running and gained 60 pounds in 6 months...I managed to get to the heaviest weight I have ever been. I am smoking like a trooper and feel like shit. Everything did return to "normal"...the men flirt comfortably with me again...no ‘real’ danger here...I am back in my safety zone...no attention, no stares...just personal misery and a desperate need to lose weight again in order to feel happiness...successful...worthy.
So, in the end, I guess this experience blows the “I’ll be happy when I lose this weight” theory right out of the water. People often blame all their troubles on their weight. When you shed pounds, you may expect everything else in your life to get better--your love life, friendships, career, perhaps even your finances. If those areas don't improve, you no longer have your weight to blame, and you must face the fact that your abilities or behavior, rather than your weight, may be the true cause of your troubles.
I can often be quoted as saying "If I wasn't fat I'd be perfect." I get a good chuckle every time I say it...and I do say it to be funny...and some how I really mean it when I say...but I don't really believe it... When I lose weight…I fear losing myself...who I am...even though I don’t really know who she is. I am scared people will have higher expectations of me...I doubt my abilities...I fear that my full potential will never be reached...I fear failure...I fear success… When I finally lost 50 pounds, I was not happy...I still had my bills and same issues and insecurities. I was uncomfortable and scared...my life was far from perfect.I was still a chubby chicken...just in a smaller version...fat chick in a skinnier body. I let the fear of life...without my fat barrier get the best of me every time.
“I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got.”-Sabrina Ward Harrison quotes
Lynn
;)
No comments:
Post a Comment