Suck-Me-In Suits

So, what is a “suck-me-in” suit you ask? It’s most commonly known as SPANX but goes by many other brand names as well. In short, SPANX-like apparel is the girdle of the 20th century! Bottom line, it is the apparel equivalent to a “sausage casing” for women. Many women (and some men) will attest that these ‘suits’ are the best thing since sliced bread...but in my humble opinion it is all in the way you look (“squeeze”) at it (and if you don’t eat too much sliced bread you don’t need one!) I consider these “super-stretchy-gut-sucking-ass-flattening-zone-compression-stocking-suits” to be a psychotic testament to the twisted view of today’s society! God has secretly blessed you if you haven’t a clue what I am talking about!

I find the name SPANX itself is indicative of something painful (pleasurable to a few people) but for the most part...painful, so the name has been well thought out, planned and appropriately chosen...for one thousand-bare-bummed spankings would be far less painful to endure than an ‘event’ in one of my suck-me-in suit selections. Yes, I said ’selections’. I have a full suck-me-in body suit, suck-me-in panties with panels that go up to and tuck under my bra, suck-me-in thighs to waist, suck-me-in thighs to bra, suck-me-in camisoles that go down past my butt; all in that all too familiar nude color...I am not sure what options (if any) women of color may have, as I have only seen the across the board white woman nude. All I have to say to those people who testify that these torture devices are ‘so comfortable’is “PHOOEY YOU LIARS!”

From the very beginning women have squeezed themselves into teeny corsets that restrict breathing, Asian women have had their feet bound to fit into too-small shoes, women have and still do have their ribs removed to emulate a smaller waist! I truly believe it is genetic because women have been doing this to themselves ever since the beginning of time. I have no doubt that even EVE probably wrapped herself tightly in palm leaves to suck it all in. I mean she considered an apple a ‘cheat’...I don’t get it...I could understand chocolate dipped strawberries...but an apple for a cheat...was it worth it? I doubt it! She didn’t need a palm leave girdle or a cross your heart bra! I digress. I can definitely relate to the twisted thinking of no pain…no gain all for the sake of beauty.

My earliest memory of a girdle involved my Grandmother. Well beyond her curvy years...I recall my Aunt Esther placing her foot in Nanny’s back and pulling with all her might to hook those damned little hooks and eyes;about a million clasps from arsehole to appetite. I remember Esther and Nanny both gasping for breath and sweating profusely...but the end result was worth the effort because my Nanny felt gorgeous...and that was all that mattered! I myself chose a much more ‘civilized’ route. I bought too-tight jeans thinking that if I fit into them I would automatically look that size! How on earth do you explain a bleeding blister and callous on your index finger from pulling your zipper up with an untwisted coat hangar? Sometimes I drew blood...but my God I looked good! Of course, my tops would be loose fitting to hide the prominent ‘muffin top’ of fat drooping (and screaming) over the edges of the too-tight jeans. One night, the zipper decided to commit suicide as the pressure was simply too much...and gave out...a total blow out! I had somehow located a bag full of safety pins and proceeded to safety pin the zipper closed. There started my romance with bartering not to pee...as it was not worth the effort! From there, I graduated to simply emptying my bladder, lying down on the bed….sucking in my gut and holding my breath until I was blue in the face and hallucinating from lack of oxygen and pulling up the zipper with all of my might! Then I found the SPANX!

My full suck-me-in body suit is the most challenging of all of my shape-slimming suits by far. It has a special crotch clasp opening that is beyond impossible to open at any time whilst the suit is donned. Besides being impossible to bend over and reach the tiny twisted clasps at a critical moment of need (full bladder or my personal favourite...sudden-onset of explosive diarrhea!) if and when you could manage to undo the offensive crotch clasp...it would whip open and flip upwards; releasing all of the oppressed (excuse me zone-compressed) body infarctions! I can see it now (from personal experience)...just like those out-of-control horizontal blinds that whip up right to the top when you lose control of the draw-string...I liken releasing the crotch clasps in this psycho suit it to pulling the pin on a grenade! Just wait a few seconds and then KABOOM...major GUNT and perineal fall-out (now there’s a pretty picture for you!).

I wear these damned things all the time...well not at the beach or under my nighties. I sometimes imagine that taking a leap off of my dresser into it would be far easier than my wiggly squiggly callisthenic routines of getting into these suck-me-in suits….then be all breathless pissy and sweaty! I must admit that when I am all ‘sucked in’ I do feel like a million bucks...from an aesthetic perspective...definitely not from a comfort perspective! When I have to pee...I will confess I do the old ‘pull the crotch to the side trick’...otherwise I would have to take off my top, slip out of the full body suck-me-in suit, drop my drawers, sit and pee in a ridiculously small public washroom cubicle, and then endure the nightmare of trying to get the damned thing back on without lying down or having room to jump about. I have done this once or twice...and I have had images of being knocked out (and subsequently discovered) unconscious on a bathroom floor with my SPANX twisted around my ankles!

Up until last night, I thought wearing any garment that requires you to barter and plead with God to avoid urinating, sneezing and/or sometimes even breathing...should be banned! But...a strange thing happened when my night was almost over. I was undressing and my husband came rushing in excitedly asking when I got the new lingerie. Lingerie? Where? I have managed to hide the fact that I am wearing suck-me-in suits for over 10 years and I finally got ‘caught’. I was about to remind him that this was not lingerie...that the politically correct term was ‘suck-me-in-suit...but before I could he said “that suit is so SEXY baby!” Instead, (in a sex kitten voice)... I said " What this old thing?"...and brought in the New Year with a KABOOM!

During a trial in which she was accused of indecency on stage:

Judge: 'Miss West, are you trying to show contempt for this court?'

Mae West: 'On the contrary, your Honor, I was doin' my best to conceal it.'”

Lynn
;)