Weight Watchers Can Kiss My Ass (Part Deux)

Ten years ago I went on my first trip south. Instead of being excited like most 'normal' people... I spent months grieving about my size before-hand. I obsessed over how HUGE I was going to look on the beach. Tons and tons of grief for months before I even got on the plane…and the grief continued in my head throughout the entire trip! I decided this time that life was far too short (and expensive!) to ruin a perfectly good holiday down south by tormenting myself over the number on the scales! So, I finally did it! I said I would…but never thought I could ever actually follow through with it! I managed to go away on a vacation down south without crucifying myself over my weight and/or size….not once…and it was fantastic!

For starters, I got sick and tired of being limited to those plus sized potato sacks at the local plus sized store. I HATE those HUGE sack-like dresses in dreary gray or black with tacky bedazzled rhinestones on them or bozo-esque three ring circus themes on them. Now can you please tell me which BBW designer says…”please make me a little something that screams I am huge as an elephant and belong in a circus tent-like dress? Make sure you put obnoxious patterns, rouging and ruffle on my trouble spots too please! Oh and please make it pull and stretch with all of its screaming might across my gut and ass please! Put letters across it too….that draws some more attention to my sweet spots” I was disheartened and disgusted. So, I stepped way out of my comfort zone and did some online shopping. I measured myself…found stuff I liked….and ordered it on a wing and a prayer! I can hear all of you sucking in air in disbelief….but yes…I did it with NO REGRETS! I got a couple of funky bathing suits, a sassy hot pink wrap dress….and the BIGGEST prize of all was my plus sized Barbie dress!!!

My plus-sized Barbie dress is a purple sequined number…the tank-style-top of the dress is covered in various sparkling shades of hot purple sequins, then a black elastic band waist (a la 80’s style) and finished off with purple chiffon ruffles that stopped at the top of my thighs! When the dress arrived in the mail, I whipped my nightie right up over my head and threw it right there it on the floor by the front door (I closed the front door first by the way!). I whipped the dress over my head…and it slid right on me like a glove! The hem is a little short….so short I cannot bend over or sit in public without showing my Brittany (hooch)…but I didn’t give a shit! I immediately woke up my husband by posing on his bed like Wonder Woman and I squealed “Look at me Boo!!! LOOK!” His jaw dropped and he said “Oh my God that dress is fantastic!” I agreed immediately and said “I hope you like it…because I am wearing it to breakfast, lunch, dinner, the pool and to bed every day of the cruise!” LOL! Throughout our entire vacation…I wore big sparkly jewellery, brightly coloured fitted funky tops, and outfits that hugged my curves…I felt amazing! I always wanted gel nails (so I got my hands and feet done!) I dyed my hair the lightest blonde possible…and VOILA….a sexkitten was born! All those things with a wickedly cool dark tan…and I felt like a million bucks every single moment of every single day. Step back! I felt like I am ten feet tall and bullet proof throughout the entire vacation.

So, one day last week I was standing at the Panama Canal….minding my business…and all of a sudden I begin to feel a little nervous… like a ‘virgin at a prison rodeo’ kind of nervous. I was getting WAY too much attention from the male Panamanians! While I am waiting for my guide, workers in passing trucks whistled and ogled at me. One guy almost hit another car because he is rubber necking in my direction. Tons of passing workmen were pointing, smiling, waving and calling me “precioso” (precious), “bello” (beautiful) and “linda” (pretty).! Then in my usual innocent-like fashion I batted my eye lashes and in an utter-disbelief-like-fashion I ask incredulously…”are they talking about me?” Some of them snapped photos of me with their cell phones! One guy asked to have his picture taken with me! I felt like a plus-sized version of Madonna!

When our guide Elvis arrived, I asked him “Elvis….do Panamanian men tend to favor big white women with bodacious ta-tas?” The big black man blushed from ear to ear…giggled like a school boy….and while twisting his feet in the sand like a little boy he whispered (giggled)….”yes…there are not any blonde white women here…especially as BEEEEEG and CUUURRRRVY like you! You are like a rare gem here!” A rare gem huh? My proclamation from previous trips south echoed through my head…“Weight Watchers can KISS MY ASS!!!”

So ladies…are you feeling down? Crucifying yourself over another failed diet? Are you disappointed about your current size? Do you cringe at the thought of squeezing into a tummy tuck bathing suit and walking in public? Well, worry no more! Get your ‘cottage-cheese-esque’ asses on a plane to Central America….because in Central America… Plus-sized Barbies and BBW’s are nothing less than GODDESSES!

"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part."~Aimee Mullins

Lynn
;)

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Embrace your Curves!