The Sex Kitten and the Rolling Pin!

Several years ago, I went away to Cuba with a group of 8 people. Again, I grieved about being so big and going with 2 other couples who were comprised of skinny and perfect chicks! On the very first night, the smiling Cuban men started staring and smiling, pointing, waving and following me! My husband got nervous again! Everyday, the workers gave me flowers for my hair, grasshoppers made from palm leaves, and any other tropical plant treats they could think of. One of our waiters gave me a cross necklace! I even got marriage proposals! Now, you have to remember there were 2 skinny girls and 5 other men everywhere we went. The Cubans did not acknowledge them…just me. It became a fun 'theme' for the week...the sex kitten goes to Cuba! BUT, there are dangers to being a sex goddess in a foreign land…let me explain.

One day while the bunch of us were lying on the beach and soaking up the sun…the physician for the resort wandered along and offered massages for $20 USD. I could NOT believe my ears…only $20 USD for a full body massage? I did not even hesitate…I was all in!!! No questions asked. I mean he was a physician…and resort staff…so why ask any questions besides where and when? The guys in the group had absolutely no interest in massage by a man at all…they did not want anything to do with it. I am certain if it were a female physician of the Latino persuasion who was offering a full body rub with oil that they would look at it differently…but there was no talking them into getting a massage with a man! So, that left only my sister-in-law Kim and my gal pal Trisha to convince…can you imagine that…having to convince anyone to get a massage? Now…here comes a jaw dropper…both gals admitted to me that neither of them had ever had a massage! I was like….WHAT??? What do you mean you’ve never had a massage? Like….never had a massage in Cuba before…right? No…never had a massage….like ever! Both women explained that they were uncomfortable with the entire concept of being partially naked and touched by a total stranger…worried the masseuse might see something...yadda, yadda, yadda. I explained that the masseuse does not look at a massage in a sexual nature in any way. I even went so far as to compare a masseuse to a nurse to alleviate their fears. I explained that we nurses see all kinds of wieners and ‘hoo-has’ and in no way do we ever regard the human body in a sexual way at all. I also threw in a little extra…that there is no need to wear clean under wear everytime you leave the house just in case you get into an accident…because we do not check your underwear before we cut it off in the Emergency Room…and you will most likely shit your pants if you are in an accident anyway!!!

I digress, I could NOT believe that I actually had to try to convince them of what they were missing…I went on and on about the benefits of massage…extreme relaxation…and the total endorphin rushes from it…to name a few. Then I carried on and on about the ridiculously cheap price…nothing to lose….yadda, yadda, yadda. I finally broke them both…and they too (albeit reluctantly) signed on for a massage with the physician for the next morning. My sister-in-law Kim was first in line at 8am, Trisha at 9 am and my massage was booked for 10am. I was so excited for them both to experience their very first massage…I could barely wait to see their faces! We agreed to all meet up at the beach afterwards.

The next morning I showed up at the doctor’s office bright-eyed and bushy tailed…ready for my massage at 10 am. I stripped down to my bra and panties lay on my stomach and covered myself with the sheet. Let the good times roll…let the massage begin! The physician/masseuse cracked his fingers and dug in. For all intensive purposes, the massage started out as any other would and it was great…until the rolling pin came out. You heard me right…the ROLLING PIN! At first he rolled the pin up and down my legs and back…kneading my muscles like I was a piece of dough…it felt great…wow…what a great idea….oh my. Then…OH MY…did the handle of that rolling pin just poke me in the hoo-hah!? No it couldn’t possibly have been aimed for my muffin! Surely, he must have slipped! The rolling pin started up the inside of my right thigh…and then on the way over to my left thigh…KERPLUNK…poke right in my hooch again! Out of all the things that could have been racing through my brain at that point… images of Kim and Trisha’s horrified faces during the rolling pin violation were screaming at me…then images of them beating me to death with a rolling pin came to mind. I was mortified that I talked them into this! The TRAUMA of it all!

I abruptly said “Ok…that’s enough of that!” As I sat up he said “I do you front now.” I flipped over on my back and the massage resumed normally again…until the doctor’s male assistant waltzed in. He said “Oh me so sorry…I need medicine for a people here.” He went over to a medication cupboard and removed a bottle and went back out…slowly. Then, as the massage resumed the little man sauntered in again and said “Oops, me forget something.” This time he stared…with a big huge smile on his face. I said “Uh…didn’t you forget something?” He nodded yes…and while smiling broadly and staring at my lady humps…he reached into the cupboard without looking away from my juicy white bosom and grabbed a bottle. Sensing my agitation, I believe the doctor got a little nervous and he dismissed the little assistant in Spanish and out he went. Then the massage started again.

Everything was great…until the rolling pin came out again. He started rolling the pin up and down like he was kneading dough again…and it felt great…until he started rolling my boobs! You’d think he was Michelangelo working on a beloved sculpture the way he went at them. His tongue was sticking out like a little kid concentrating really hard on something. I broke his concentration when I said “those ain’t muscles you know!” He looked embarrassed as he snapped out of his reverie and resumed the massage….or the rolling I should say. Up my right thigh…and HELLO!!!...another pit-stop probing into my monkey again! I said “OK…we are done here!” At this point he looked petrified….mad Canadian guest in Cuba most likely equals a kick in the nut sack and a firing at best. I grabbed my clothes and left with the sheet wrapped around me. He ran after me…”you like?” I answered “NO ME NO LIKE!” and marched off.

At this point I was less worried about me…and more worried about Kim and Trisha’s first experience. I whipped on my bathing suit and nervously headed to the beach. I found them both there with all the boys… chatting and laughing …most likely plotting my death! As I joined the group I very sarcastically said… “What did you guys think about THAT massage?” They both answered that is was “amazing”….”awesome”…”everything I said it would be”….they loved it! I was shocked…puzzled….and scratching my head I said “What did you think about that rolling pin?”…and they both looked bewildered and said in unison…” WHAT ROLLING PIN?!?”

“You have to be born a sex symbol. You don’t just become one. If you are born with it, you will have it until you are 100 years old"~ Sophia Loren

Lynn
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