The Sex Kitten and the Rolling Pin!

Several years ago, I went away to Cuba with a group of 8 people. Again, I grieved about being so big and going with 2 other couples who were comprised of skinny and perfect chicks! On the very first night, the smiling Cuban men started staring and smiling, pointing, waving and following me! My husband got nervous again! Everyday, the workers gave me flowers for my hair, grasshoppers made from palm leaves, and any other tropical plant treats they could think of. One of our waiters gave me a cross necklace! I even got marriage proposals! Now, you have to remember there were 2 skinny girls and 5 other men everywhere we went. The Cubans did not acknowledge them…just me. It became a fun 'theme' for the week...the sex kitten goes to Cuba! BUT, there are dangers to being a sex goddess in a foreign land…let me explain.

One day while the bunch of us were lying on the beach and soaking up the sun…the physician for the resort wandered along and offered massages for $20 USD. I could NOT believe my ears…only $20 USD for a full body massage? I did not even hesitate…I was all in!!! No questions asked. I mean he was a physician…and resort staff…so why ask any questions besides where and when? The guys in the group had absolutely no interest in massage by a man at all…they did not want anything to do with it. I am certain if it were a female physician of the Latino persuasion who was offering a full body rub with oil that they would look at it differently…but there was no talking them into getting a massage with a man! So, that left only my sister-in-law Kim and my gal pal Trisha to convince…can you imagine that…having to convince anyone to get a massage? Now…here comes a jaw dropper…both gals admitted to me that neither of them had ever had a massage! I was like….WHAT??? What do you mean you’ve never had a massage? Like….never had a massage in Cuba before…right? No…never had a massage….like ever! Both women explained that they were uncomfortable with the entire concept of being partially naked and touched by a total stranger…worried the masseuse might see something...yadda, yadda, yadda. I explained that the masseuse does not look at a massage in a sexual nature in any way. I even went so far as to compare a masseuse to a nurse to alleviate their fears. I explained that we nurses see all kinds of wieners and ‘hoo-has’ and in no way do we ever regard the human body in a sexual way at all. I also threw in a little extra…that there is no need to wear clean under wear everytime you leave the house just in case you get into an accident…because we do not check your underwear before we cut it off in the Emergency Room…and you will most likely shit your pants if you are in an accident anyway!!!

I digress, I could NOT believe that I actually had to try to convince them of what they were missing…I went on and on about the benefits of massage…extreme relaxation…and the total endorphin rushes from it…to name a few. Then I carried on and on about the ridiculously cheap price…nothing to lose….yadda, yadda, yadda. I finally broke them both…and they too (albeit reluctantly) signed on for a massage with the physician for the next morning. My sister-in-law Kim was first in line at 8am, Trisha at 9 am and my massage was booked for 10am. I was so excited for them both to experience their very first massage…I could barely wait to see their faces! We agreed to all meet up at the beach afterwards.

The next morning I showed up at the doctor’s office bright-eyed and bushy tailed…ready for my massage at 10 am. I stripped down to my bra and panties lay on my stomach and covered myself with the sheet. Let the good times roll…let the massage begin! The physician/masseuse cracked his fingers and dug in. For all intensive purposes, the massage started out as any other would and it was great…until the rolling pin came out. You heard me right…the ROLLING PIN! At first he rolled the pin up and down my legs and back…kneading my muscles like I was a piece of dough…it felt great…wow…what a great idea….oh my. Then…OH MY…did the handle of that rolling pin just poke me in the hoo-hah!? No it couldn’t possibly have been aimed for my muffin! Surely, he must have slipped! The rolling pin started up the inside of my right thigh…and then on the way over to my left thigh…KERPLUNK…poke right in my hooch again! Out of all the things that could have been racing through my brain at that point… images of Kim and Trisha’s horrified faces during the rolling pin violation were screaming at me…then images of them beating me to death with a rolling pin came to mind. I was mortified that I talked them into this! The TRAUMA of it all!

I abruptly said “Ok…that’s enough of that!” As I sat up he said “I do you front now.” I flipped over on my back and the massage resumed normally again…until the doctor’s male assistant waltzed in. He said “Oh me so sorry…I need medicine for a people here.” He went over to a medication cupboard and removed a bottle and went back out…slowly. Then, as the massage resumed the little man sauntered in again and said “Oops, me forget something.” This time he stared…with a big huge smile on his face. I said “Uh…didn’t you forget something?” He nodded yes…and while smiling broadly and staring at my lady humps…he reached into the cupboard without looking away from my juicy white bosom and grabbed a bottle. Sensing my agitation, I believe the doctor got a little nervous and he dismissed the little assistant in Spanish and out he went. Then the massage started again.

Everything was great…until the rolling pin came out again. He started rolling the pin up and down like he was kneading dough again…and it felt great…until he started rolling my boobs! You’d think he was Michelangelo working on a beloved sculpture the way he went at them. His tongue was sticking out like a little kid concentrating really hard on something. I broke his concentration when I said “those ain’t muscles you know!” He looked embarrassed as he snapped out of his reverie and resumed the massage….or the rolling I should say. Up my right thigh…and HELLO!!!...another pit-stop probing into my monkey again! I said “OK…we are done here!” At this point he looked petrified….mad Canadian guest in Cuba most likely equals a kick in the nut sack and a firing at best. I grabbed my clothes and left with the sheet wrapped around me. He ran after me…”you like?” I answered “NO ME NO LIKE!” and marched off.

At this point I was less worried about me…and more worried about Kim and Trisha’s first experience. I whipped on my bathing suit and nervously headed to the beach. I found them both there with all the boys… chatting and laughing …most likely plotting my death! As I joined the group I very sarcastically said… “What did you guys think about THAT massage?” They both answered that is was “amazing”….”awesome”…”everything I said it would be”….they loved it! I was shocked…puzzled….and scratching my head I said “What did you think about that rolling pin?”…and they both looked bewildered and said in unison…” WHAT ROLLING PIN?!?”

“You have to be born a sex symbol. You don’t just become one. If you are born with it, you will have it until you are 100 years old"~ Sophia Loren

Lynn
;)

Weight Watchers Can Kiss My Ass (Part Deux)

Ten years ago I went on my first trip south. Instead of being excited like most 'normal' people... I spent months grieving about my size before-hand. I obsessed over how HUGE I was going to look on the beach. Tons and tons of grief for months before I even got on the plane…and the grief continued in my head throughout the entire trip! I decided this time that life was far too short (and expensive!) to ruin a perfectly good holiday down south by tormenting myself over the number on the scales! So, I finally did it! I said I would…but never thought I could ever actually follow through with it! I managed to go away on a vacation down south without crucifying myself over my weight and/or size….not once…and it was fantastic!

For starters, I got sick and tired of being limited to those plus sized potato sacks at the local plus sized store. I HATE those HUGE sack-like dresses in dreary gray or black with tacky bedazzled rhinestones on them or bozo-esque three ring circus themes on them. Now can you please tell me which BBW designer says…”please make me a little something that screams I am huge as an elephant and belong in a circus tent-like dress? Make sure you put obnoxious patterns, rouging and ruffle on my trouble spots too please! Oh and please make it pull and stretch with all of its screaming might across my gut and ass please! Put letters across it too….that draws some more attention to my sweet spots” I was disheartened and disgusted. So, I stepped way out of my comfort zone and did some online shopping. I measured myself…found stuff I liked….and ordered it on a wing and a prayer! I can hear all of you sucking in air in disbelief….but yes…I did it with NO REGRETS! I got a couple of funky bathing suits, a sassy hot pink wrap dress….and the BIGGEST prize of all was my plus sized Barbie dress!!!

My plus-sized Barbie dress is a purple sequined number…the tank-style-top of the dress is covered in various sparkling shades of hot purple sequins, then a black elastic band waist (a la 80’s style) and finished off with purple chiffon ruffles that stopped at the top of my thighs! When the dress arrived in the mail, I whipped my nightie right up over my head and threw it right there it on the floor by the front door (I closed the front door first by the way!). I whipped the dress over my head…and it slid right on me like a glove! The hem is a little short….so short I cannot bend over or sit in public without showing my Brittany (hooch)…but I didn’t give a shit! I immediately woke up my husband by posing on his bed like Wonder Woman and I squealed “Look at me Boo!!! LOOK!” His jaw dropped and he said “Oh my God that dress is fantastic!” I agreed immediately and said “I hope you like it…because I am wearing it to breakfast, lunch, dinner, the pool and to bed every day of the cruise!” LOL! Throughout our entire vacation…I wore big sparkly jewellery, brightly coloured fitted funky tops, and outfits that hugged my curves…I felt amazing! I always wanted gel nails (so I got my hands and feet done!) I dyed my hair the lightest blonde possible…and VOILA….a sexkitten was born! All those things with a wickedly cool dark tan…and I felt like a million bucks every single moment of every single day. Step back! I felt like I am ten feet tall and bullet proof throughout the entire vacation.

So, one day last week I was standing at the Panama Canal….minding my business…and all of a sudden I begin to feel a little nervous… like a ‘virgin at a prison rodeo’ kind of nervous. I was getting WAY too much attention from the male Panamanians! While I am waiting for my guide, workers in passing trucks whistled and ogled at me. One guy almost hit another car because he is rubber necking in my direction. Tons of passing workmen were pointing, smiling, waving and calling me “precioso” (precious), “bello” (beautiful) and “linda” (pretty).! Then in my usual innocent-like fashion I batted my eye lashes and in an utter-disbelief-like-fashion I ask incredulously…”are they talking about me?” Some of them snapped photos of me with their cell phones! One guy asked to have his picture taken with me! I felt like a plus-sized version of Madonna!

When our guide Elvis arrived, I asked him “Elvis….do Panamanian men tend to favor big white women with bodacious ta-tas?” The big black man blushed from ear to ear…giggled like a school boy….and while twisting his feet in the sand like a little boy he whispered (giggled)….”yes…there are not any blonde white women here…especially as BEEEEEG and CUUURRRRVY like you! You are like a rare gem here!” A rare gem huh? My proclamation from previous trips south echoed through my head…“Weight Watchers can KISS MY ASS!!!”

So ladies…are you feeling down? Crucifying yourself over another failed diet? Are you disappointed about your current size? Do you cringe at the thought of squeezing into a tummy tuck bathing suit and walking in public? Well, worry no more! Get your ‘cottage-cheese-esque’ asses on a plane to Central America….because in Central America… Plus-sized Barbies and BBW’s are nothing less than GODDESSES!

"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part."~Aimee Mullins

Lynn
;)

Check out this fabulous video!!!

Embrace your Curves!