Stop and Smell the Roses

I saw the signs...I opened up my eyes and saw the signs...

I don't know if anyone out there is superstitious or not...but I sure am. My entire childhood my mother would say that "company is coming" if she dropped the dish towel..and by Jesus they did! Then, if someone dropped a knife everyone chanted....knife to the floor...whore at the door...and next thing you knew my sister's crazy friend Chrissy would drop in (sorry Chrissy!)...another time a bird flew into our house...not the beak-bending 'into the house'....like the bird came through the door and flew about inside our house. My mother cowered in fear as this is a sure sign of an impending death...and sure enough...her Father died within 24 hours! Another nasty superstition is a hole in the bread represents a hole in the ground...you know...when you dive into a new loaf of bread and there is a hole in each piece of bread? I was certain I had killed my own Grandmother with that one...sure enough she died shortly afterward. I needed years of counseling to conquer that! I STILL hold my breath every time I dig into the middle of a new loaf of bread!

So, I find it ironic that I am someone who grew up to find meaning in all kinds of signs and coincidences...that I failed to see the blatant signs right in front of my eyes! First of all...a very dear friend of mine went in for a routine surgical procedure and almost died! I tormented myself for 6 weeks while she fought for her life in a coma...worried sick....running case scenarios in my head...praying...begging....and my best coping mechanism of all...DENYING. It really didn't set in until the day I grabbed a coffee and zipped off to go and see her in another town. In order to avoid taking anything away from her miraculous recovery...I was not about to babble on about what I went through. I went through sheer terror and hell...worried sick...begging God to have mercy and give her back to me. This made me feel selfish...but I didn't have the chance to tell her how much she meant to me. How much her funny and inspiring e mails lifted me up and put me on my feet...over and over again. I learned not to wait until tomorrow...don't take things for granted.

While I was going through this torment, another good friend told me she had breast cancer. Excuse me??? This is supposed to happen to other people...the ones in the TV commercials, movies....wherever...just not here and now with my friends or people I know. I stayed calm, cool and collected...as I should...as others expect from me because I am a ROCK! I listened....and silently worried myself SICK! I spent the night as this friend's personal nurse the night she had her lump removed. I felt honored to be the 'protector'...I kept post...ready and waiting for anything she needed. The whole breast cancer thing didn't seep in until another colleague who beat the shit out of breast cancer came in before discharge the next day and discussed good days...and bad days...and wigs...and chemotherapy...and fatigue..reality slapped me really hard...right across the face! I kept my game face on...then came home to worry myself sick! Our friendship has grown tremendously since then. I went to change her dressings everyday...but it was actually a fun time to gossip and giggle and have girlie time. Her breast cancer scare has turned out to be a wake up call for me too. I have learned to enjoy the moments.

Then, the beauty of these occurrences shone through... it is an awakening....maybe a rude awakening...but still an awakening of sorts. It SCREAMS..."PAY ATTENTION...life is too short". I realized worrying about weight and other mediocre things is an extreme waste of time...or 'burning daylight' as Dr. Phil would say. I have 2 speeds....super-low-speed-denial-maybe-tomorrow mode....or all-out-ridiculously-high-speed-expectations and pressures upon myself. I either plan to start dieting, quit smoking and start tomorrow...or I place crazy high unattainable goals upon myself....like I will be fluently bilingual and do a triathlon and lose 100 pounds in the next 3 months! I realized...waking up and running all over the roses....or wait and see if the roses are still there tomorrow is tearing me to pieces! This pressure on myself (worrying or sprinting) is sucking the energy and life right out of me. I am missing the point...and 'hoping' tomorrow brings a better day. I reflected and decided my behaviors of the past "just ain't working"...so I have to change what I am doing...or nothing will ever change. I took a load off. I am sad to report that I have put my triathlon training on hold...BUT with good reason. I was placing so much stress on myself...that something that is supposed to be exhilarating was becoming a strain. I was adding more and more pressure on myself. How can I take weight off...when I am taking on so much burden and more weight? I no longer wish to be a beast of burden! I have decided to spend more time doing what really matters...spend time with my friends and family...doing lunch, coffee, chatting, laughing....writing more...and literally just breathing deeply and smelling the roses.

Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.-Virginia Satir

Lynn
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