He ain't heavy...he's my brother!

I have a brother named Lloyd ( I call him Lloydie). Lloydie is 9 years my senior. Because of our age gap, I have very little memory of him as a child. My first clear memory is when I was about 3-4 years old. I crept from my warm bed, crawled in with him. I remember the dream I had as clear as if it were yesterday... I had a nice long pee. Unfortunately for Lloydie... I actually did have a nice long pee. Then, I crawled back into my dry bed. I have no recollection of the aftermath for him. Sorry Lloydie! I remember Lloyd and his friend Donnie having BB guns and that I had a crush on his friend Wally. The first time Mom and Dad entrusted our care ( me and sis) to Lloyd as a babysitter, a BIG ASS RAT decided to make an appearance. Yes a big ass rat showed up and Daddy was out dancing with Mom, so our knight in shining armor wasn't available. I was about 5 or 6, so that made Lori about 10 and Lloyd around 14. All I recall is my big brother huddled on top of the stove, literally squatting on it and squealing like a school girl. My sister had on big rubber boots and was armed with a broom fighting the damned monster rat, and I was doing what I do best...looking cute in PJ's and my thumb plunked in my mouth... kind of like that cute little 'who' Wendy Loo! I also remember, (and will never forget!!!), Lloyd and sister Lori taking great pleasure in locking my in the scary basement and tormenting the hell out of by telling me I was adopted. I was horrified and bawled my eyes out! Now as an adult I joke that I MUST be adopted because I couldn't possibly belong to this clan! LOL! Lloyd used to sit on me and tickle me for hours! To this day nobody is allowed to touch my feet in anyway due to this ticking trauma! In high school, Lloyd went on a Mediterranean Cruise and brought me back a funky purse from Turkey. I would kill to have that now...but it disappeared somewhere. Lloydie moved away to Ontario when I was 10. He went to school, found a wife and returned home 5 years later with a baby. I was not interested in babies or kids of any kind and I was in my own world. Normal for a 15 year old I guess but I wasn't nice or sociable with him. All he ever wanted was to be my friend but I was self absorbed, too busy, too something every time.

Let's fast forward. I successfully lost 50 pounds with Simply for Life (SFL) 4 years ago. I was running 4-5 km at least 3 times or more per week. I was looking great and feeling great. I discarded all my fat clothes and kissed that fat lard ass good bye for good! Well, as soon as I hit the 50 pound mark I abandoned my diet. My running partner moved away so I stopped running that very day...never ran again. I left my secure job at the hospital and started my own business. This gave me all the excuses in the world to gain all of the weight back plus 10 pounds for good luck, and of course there was no time for exercise or family or friends for all that matters. Lloyd kept reaching out... but again I was busy busy busy!! To make matters worse, I am a worry wart. So while I have my brother on the back burner at all times, I lie awake at night terrified he is going to die of a heart attack. I have done this for many years. Absolute terror that Lloydie would up and die on me...meanwhile I am not around and do not visit or call him at all while he is living. I would publicly crucify someone with that same behavior!!! What's up with that???

Our entire family is overweight and big. We have all struggled with our weight since birth. As soon as I see my mother I immediately want her home made mac and cheese, whoopee pies, home made bread, colored whippy 'guess-what's-in-this' jello concoctions, pickles and chocolate/butterscotch brownie cake SCORE bar trifle all at once!! Mix it together in a blender...and I will suck it all through a straw and lick the bowl!!! I am drooling right now! The worst hit by the burden of weight was Lloydie. He was close to 500 pounds. He was a prisoner in his fat. Lucky for Lloyd, I had tons of advice for him! I mean after all I lost 50 pounds right? I was a self appointed expert...I somehow forgot along the way I gained it all back plus 10! To add insult to injury, my brother endured patronizing from me on how to diet successfully and exactly what to do and how to get it done... non-stop. I told him about the 'diet du jour', tips on weight loss, gave him my notes from a dietitian and of course pushed SFL at him (even though I was no longer doing it). I gave him my recipes, books and just plain old 'sisterly lectures'. I also reiterated that his weight was going to kill him and begged him to do something.

Here is an IRONY ALERT!!!! I am now diabetic from my weight gain. I have developed intolerance to all things carbs and sugars. I sweat when I eat just about anything now related to my unstable sugars. I also have a new lactose intolerance, seafood sensitivity, new heartburn, I can't stay awake in the day and I lie awake all night. I now bloat up like a balloon when I eat bread. I am being tested for Celiac disease, and I SMOKE!!! If I were to go to McDonald's right now Iand scarf down a Big Ma combo, I would pass out into a diabetic coma for 4 hours and wake up in a sweat...as if I jumped in a lake...wet from head to toe...and feel like shit for the rest of the day. An egg salad sandwhich put me out for 2 hours yesterday. Oh yes, and for those of you who don't know me...I am a nurse (20 years) and I educate mainly about cardiac risk factors and disease prevention. I am also a hypocritical motivational speaker...my message is to 'Believe in Yourself". I must admit I literally get high making others feel great about themselves, but then secretly angry for being such a hypocrite!!!!Does it get any better? Isn't Lloydie lucky to have such an expert in the family?

At the end of February this year my brother joined SFL. He set a record of a 100 pound weight loss in less than 21 weeks!!! Now at week 29 he hast lost 130 pounds!!! He has done it by eating healthy and eating lots of good things, no crap. His wife, Elaine has lost almost 50 pounds as well. They both look smashing!!! Two months ago, Lloydie told me that since he started SFL he hasn't eaten 54 pounds of margarine, 50 loaves of bread, and 100 pounds of potatoes! Every week he calls himself the "Kitchen Bitch" and prepares his meals and snacks for the week. He lost a shitload of weight and I gained my old brother back!!! He is witty, charming, intelligent, handsome and has a hysterically funny sense of humor. He is an amazing human being. There are no words to describe how proud I am of him!!! I do not feel jealous at all, just extreme chest bursting adoration!!!

There are also no words for the shame I feel for denying him friendship or any of my time or all these years. This week, Lloyd reached out to me and offered me support. A shoulder to cry on, a chest to beat on...help. I really need it. I always prided myself on being a 'rock' and 'having it all together'. This fucked up sense of 'pride' has led me straight down into a big black hole. This week, my brother reached down from the stove top ( sorry Lloydie!! LOL) and pulled me out with his big strong arms. He gave me a virtual hug. I have to face the fact that I need help this time, and as usual Lloydie was there ready and waiting for me. He ain't heavy, he's my brother! Lloydie is just the best thing since...mm mm.... can't say sliced bread because that is the ENEMY... Lloydie is just the best! I adore you and I need you big brother. I love you to bits! Thanks for throwing me that life preserver!

Love you Lloydie,
Lynn
;)

Lynn
;)