Count Your Blessings

Every year, Christmas provides us with a spiritual reality check. You cannot help but to be reminded of how fortunate you are to have a roof over your head, family, friends, and health. Television adds to that ‘fuzzy’ feeling by featuring surreal stories of tragedies followed by remarkable acts of heroism and giving… children who think of and act on worldly ideas… and miraculous events. As the rituals and festivities come to a close…you cannot help but to reflect on the past and count your blessings.

Twelve years ago, I was in a car accident that screwed up my back. I ended up being put off of work for two years and chewing pain pills like crazy. I would easily go through 100 Tylenol #3’s and tons of muscle relaxants every month. I was off of work for almost 2 years…but I was super busy during that time going to Dr. appointments, physiotherapy, kinesiology, acupuncture, massage, and the gym. In between appointments I parked myself on the couch and felt extremely sorry for myself. How dare the world continue turning while I was in tremendous pain? Nursing was my life, and all of a sudden it was ripped out from under me. I also was forced to realize that nursing was my life…and nothing else.

One Christmas I went home (90 miles away) and my back was killing me. Driving and sitting still makes my back spasm and act up. Anyway, when I got home I couldn’t concentrate on anything else but my pain. I lied flat on my back on the hardwood floor writhing and whining. My sister, Lori was sitting in a chair nearby. She is an amputee. When her leg was amputated, there was some nerve damage which results in a subsequent a non-stop ‘pins and needles’ tingling that would drive a saint to drink…but she NEVER complains! To alleviate her pins and needles and sometimes throbbing, she taps away on the stump. So, here she is looking down at me…tapping away…and she says “oh baby I hate to see you in so much pain”. I was sick to my stomach and disgusted with myself. Here I was with 2 feet and a heartbeat…no missing limbs or debilitating illness…whining about a little back pain. Lori was sincere with her comment…but it was an over due reality slap for me. I vowed from that day forward…no more outward displays for sympathy from me!

I decided that if I was going to be in pain all of the time, I may as well do fun stuff and have pain. I managed to get back to work. I wanted more to life than nursing so I got back into skiing…my FAVORITE activity. I started going to the gym, walking, going out and dancing, anything and everything. I was still chewing on pills like candy back then…but I was having fun too instead of wallowing in self pity. As the years passed, I decided that the pills were doing more harm than good and holding me back…like a security blanket…so I weaned myself off of all of them. Now, I exercise, use heat and take the occasion Tylenol and Advil. That’s it. Thankfully, I have way more ‘good’ days than ‘bad’ ones. The only time somebody knows my back is bothering me is when they can see it in my facial expressions…which is rare.

Last night (Christmas Eve) I went to a place I know well. It is like a perpetual basement party where all the strays meet to eat, drink, be merry and play some kick ass pool at all hours. Somehow, the car accident came up and I told the story again…it was my first date with the man who is now my husband. I tell the story….but focus more on the events of the day and the tragedy of missing the Lynard Skynard/ Doobie Brothers concert…and my new car being written off with little mention of my back. While I am telling the story, there is a 20 year old man stuck in a 72 year old decrepit arthritis filled body shooting a game of pool. He walks like his right hip is 6 inches higher than his left hip…oh right…it is…every step requires a swing to gain momentum to move forward. The other guy playing is also a child trapped in a man’s body…but this body is rattled with the nastiest case of rheumatoid arthritis ever seen. This man has to roll back and forth many times to gain momentum to get out of bed. The entire world looks different to him as getting in the shower, going to the bathroom and/or opening a can of soup is a major daily obstacle to overcome. The arthritis has forced him into a perpetual slumped posture, curled knuckles and fingers and it has now claimed his hip. He can barely walk…but when he plays pool…it is simply the table and he…this man NEVER EVER complains….EVER. Can you imagine how ridiculous my little back pain issue would sound here?

All of the others around the table at the basement party have a story to tell…but they don’t. As an empathic person…I look around the table wondering what their stories would entail. Why are they here in the basement of strays on Christmas Eve? One man is missing an arm, another is severely drunk, and another is a work horse who is in his late 60’s with a battered body full of ‘battle scars’ related to years of abuse and injuries. BUT, they are all smiling and telling crazy stories and laughing…waiting for their turn to annihilate the billiards competition. Nobody was discussing bills or health issues or what or who they didn’t have….they simply enjoyed the moment. This IS what Christmas is all about….good friends, good times…just being together…letting loose and laughing together. An “off 4 banks” shot is called…and the 8 ball miraculously sinks as it was commanded. The pool played here is WAY above professional ranks and really something special to see!

On another note, I have also just learned that friend has a rare and terminal cancer. She has already lost a brother at a young age to cancer, and a father and a step father…now it is her turn. I bumped into her last week while Christmas shopping and she never mentioned it at all. She smiled form ear to ear, hugged me tightly and told me how much she missed me at work. She has an amazingly beautiful soul who makes me feel like the sun shines out my ass everytime I see her. I found out about her illness from somebody else days later. There wasn’t an ounce of self pity there…there wasn’t a tear in her eye…there was absolutely no clue coming from her about her fate….in fact, she glowed!

All of these little stories lead up into the BIG picture…my reality check. While I obsess about my weight…people out there who have reason to suffer and wallow in self pity…do not. I get sick at the thought of buying a bigger size…or nothing fitting. I beat the hell out of myself for missing the gym, or eating a chocolate. I obsess about eating too much when there is someone with nothing to eat. I get mad for missing the gym when there are people who cannot walk. I worry about fitting into a specific size and number on the scales…when someone I know has their days on earth being numbered. I have a beautiful home, a business, nursing career, healthy family, great friends and… a weight problem? That sounds really stupid in the grand scheme of the universe doesn’t it? This year, I will focus on counting my blessings…not calories. Wish me luck!

Is there anything worse than being blind? Yes, a man with sight and no vision.-Helen Keller

Lynn
;)

The Importance of Wearing Pants

I have always felt 'confined' in my clothes. Ever since I was little...as soon as I get in the door..clothes come off! Now, as an adult the bra is whipped right over my head and slung shot across the room...immediately. (Bras are inhumane... torture devices in my opinion...).I strip down into my pyjamas...regardless of time of day and just breathe...cozy as a bug in a rug!

I have been working from home for 3 years now. It sounds absolutely dreamy...but it is not all that it is cracked up to be. I must say that owning my own business...and watching it grow from a concept to reality to internationally known is a 'thrill.' I have been living my dream of being my own boss, and self scheduling.I get up and lie down as I please..and squeeze in everything that has to get done in between. Because we have an online business, we work in a virtual office...everything is done by phone, Internet, web conference...rarely in person. As wonderful as this sounds...there is an incredible danger to this lifestyle...NO PANTS Required.I have participated in many business meetings via teleconference in my pyjamas. I have done webinars (online educational sessions) in my nighties. I have even gone so far as to dress from the waist up...lips and pearls and everything...for video conferences..with no pants...just PJ bottoms! I have been caught in my PJ's by the couriers (FedEx, Purolator, DHL).Oops!

Starting your own business is both scary and exciting! The downside is it takes a LOT of work in a short amount of time! Over the first couple of years, my business partner and I kept psychotic and unreasonable hours. As we struggled to meet deadlines....more projects with closer deadlines would appear. We would get it done...and this was all good from a business perspective but very detrimental to my health. You would think that because I can chose to fill my days as I please...and not having to answer to anyone...that I would be able to get to the gym, go for walks and so on. BUT, that quickly turned into "as soon as I get this done"...and then suddenly it would be 1am! I tried setting exercise time into my agenda...but an important phone call would come in or a huge project diversion...and I would promise myself...tomorrow.

Since I was not accountable to anyone, and lived day by day as per my agenda, I totally lost track of all days. I would have to ask my husband often "what day is this?" He would try to recite the date and I would say "not the date...what day of the week is it?". Another danger of not having structure is diet. I am not talking about a weight loss diet...I am simply referring to healthy eating. Hours could go by and I would not eat. Then, starving...I would make bad choices. I would catch myself feeling wonky or having a headache...and then discover that 8 hours have gone by...and 12 cups of coffee later that I haven't eaten! Everyone knows if you do not eat regularly that can lead to many health and weight issues....which it has. I have gained 60 pounds and I now have diabetes (diet controlled, weight related). I have easily smoked a full package of cigarettes a day...sometimes on very stressful days I have even smoked two!!! Ironically, I was writing educational courses for nurses....about cardiac risk factors at the worst of it.

The MOST dangerous side effect of working home alone, losing track of time and days... by far is living pant-less. When I started this business I was 60 pounds lighter! I went form running my ass off as a nurse to working from home on my butt. Add stress to social isolation and you've got yourself an emotional eating wreck. Once every couple of months I would travel for conferences and/or speaking engagements...and I would be so distressed about nothing fitting. I would make a life altering pledge...but again I got so busy I never got around to it. Then, one day..I had to put on pants and nothing fit..not even close. My PJ pants were skin tight and painful....my stretchy pants fought back...what a reality slap!

As Dr. Phil would say...."how's that working for ya?" It wasn't. So along came the goal of my mini triathlon, the 100 pound journey and my blog. I am pleased to have a goal with a deadline.I cannot say tight pants "hurt so good!". I also have decided to go back to work at the hospital in nursing part time...to have some structure, much needed socialization and a daily wardrobe requirements. I will know what day it is...I will have scheduled meal breaks. I will get to see my friends again. I am eager to simply 'move' on a regular basis. I will still be busy with the company in between... but once you get moving it is easier to keep moving. My best advice to anyone planning to work from home and to everyone out there during the Christmas holidays...where you can easily lose track of time and calories... is to put on your pants everyday!

One way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life.
Cyril Connolly

Lynn
;)

Finding Freddie

When I was young I had a little French boyfriend named Freddie. Freddie and I ruled the world back in the day...well I did and he went along with it...for fear I would beat him up, or worse...make him kiss me! Freddie and me were outside all the time...from the second we got up until our mothers dragged us in after dark. We played dinky toys, explorers of the earth, Cowboys and Indians, Johnny and Roy (Emergency...for those of you who are old enough),raided gardens, and much more! We biked all over hell's creation, went to the frog pond, climbed cliffs (which actually turns out to be a very small rock wall...but it was HUGE back then!). I even made Freddy play Barbies (basically with a gun to his head- kiss threat).We basically 'played ourselves out' everyday! I had to most wonderful childhood with Freddie.

In the winter time, Freddie and I were out all day again and drug in against our will at night. We went sliding, built snowmen and forts, had snowball fights, or just plain old played in the snow. Our yard was huge so Dad had it plowed. Every snowstorm that plow left us kids the most amazing natural 'toy' you could imagine....a HUGE big ass hill of snow...right in our yard! One year my sister and her friends created this amazing snow house. They dug from high up so you had to climb some snow stairs and slide into the fort on your belly...from the top. They had dug out a room at least 10 feet wide and 10 feet high (in my little world anyway). It was a real IGLOO!!! I don't know if they poured water in it or what...but the inside of this fantastic fort was shiny and polished. They made ledges and had candles in there. It was a snow mansion! What a spot!

Every first snowfall I think about Freddie. Let me tell you why. I am sure everyone who reads this blog is of the era where all snowsuits were one piece. Getting dressed to go into the snow was a BIG arduous deal! You had to put on the long johns, undershirt, pants, sweater, double socks, step into that snowsuit with the elastic bands under your feet. Shove those damn 'snowmobile' boots on (the ones with the liners) and tie the damn things tight. Then a hat, then mittens. Well, one day Freddie came to collect me to play outside. I must have been over tired because on this particular day the 'snow suit' routine had me huffing and puffing, sweating, tired and UGLY! When I finally got outside...Freddie was nowhere to be seen. I searched everywhere and screamed for him...no answer. Then, I followed his footsteps to his door and rang the doorbell (he lived upstairs). There he was...undressed and inside!!!! I am living proof that you are 'born to be' because at 7 years old...without hesitation...I stormed up the stairs and drug him by the neck outside!! I wanted to KILL him! I 'allowed' him a few minutes to go back inside and get dressed...and within minutes we were playing and having fun again. (Sorry Freddie!)

That was our last winter together...Freddie's family moved away. I was never the same. I heard through the grapevine they moved because he told his Dad he couldn't play hockey anymore...because I wanted him to play Barbies! I found out years later that it wasn't my fault...they simply bought a house (they were renting an apartment from my parents). I wish somebody told me that when I was 7...it would have saved me a ton of counselling !!!

I wish as adults, that it was perfectly acceptable to go outside and 'play'...spend hours and hours in the snow for no reason. No television, no deadlines. I don't think there would be any problems with obesity if we all kept our childhood enthusiasm for snow. In fact, I find it almost tragic that the majority of us bitch and gripe about snow in the forecast, snow when it's snowing, and winter in general. Unless we live in the Caribbean, snow is a fact of life...at least 1/4 of our lives every year! What a shame everybody hates it! This year, my stepson had 2 room mates at university who had NEVER seen the snow. One was from India, the other from the Bahamas. The first snowfall of the year...they ran outside in a child-like wonder. They jumped up and down, stuck their tongues out to catch some flakes, made their first snowballs and snowmen and snow angels...and then rushed to call home to tell their parents all about it! Isn't that wonderful?

I have been lucky enough to maintain a child-like excitement whenever it snows...thanks to my days with Freddie. I love the bright and shiny diamonds that glimmer everywhere! I love how it makes the night glow bright. I love the calm and peaceful feeling right after a storm when nobody is around. So, tonight (as always when it snows) I go outside dressed to the max with my hubby Boo to 'play'. Thank God for 2 piece snow suits now!!!! Boo actually cleans out the driveway with the snow blower and I clean the stairs and car off. BUT, I still have that excitement in my belly...and we still fool around and giggle like kids. We usually make snow angels...well kind of...no snow angels tonight (bummer) because I didn't get the opportunity to tackle him into the ground tonight! I am still forcing boys to do what I want! Oddly enough, my husband is a little Frenchman that I 'bully'...and I force him to kiss me!!! I wonder if that has anything to do with finding my own little Freddie?

Lynn
;)

Under the Wagon Wheel

This week end I fell off the wagon...I have slipped right underneath the wheel and into a muddy rut! On Friday night I was "jones-ing" for a Big Mac. This is quite strange because even if I do go to McDonald's I always get a Quarter Pounder meal. I cannot remember the last time I had a Big Mac. Either way, I was going crazy and obsessed with having a Big Mac. I tried all of the diet tricks and mental distraction methods I have learned over the years. I tried drinking a coffee, then crunched on carrot sticks, then made Crystal Lite, then unsalted peanuts...nothing was working. I let 4 hours pass and decided it was no longer a 'flash in the pan" evil thought...it was something that had to be dealt with. So, at 1 am, I trudged up to McDonald's and ordered my Big Mac meal...and a cheese burger...and a cinnamelt!!! The poor cheese burger didn't even make it to the end of the McDonald's driveway. In fact, I do not even recall eating it. I just remember looking down at the empty cheese burger wrapper and wondering where the heck did that go? I don't think I even bit into it... I just inhaled it. I call this my shark response. When sharks gorge on a feast, their eyelids close to prevent blood from the victim getting into their eyes. That was me. I was in such a frenzy...I missed it!

When I got home I slowly enjoyed the Big Mac experience. It was everything I thought it would be...and more! I was in heaven...for a very short time. Then, I savored the Cinnamelt bite for bite...super slow...then licked the packaging dry. I was high and happy for about...5 minutes. Then, the Mc Gurgles settled in...the sweats, the gastric distress...then the overwhelming anger, guilt and shame. I not only sinned...I double sinned by eating very badly at 1 am!!! What the hell was I thinking? (I wasn't thinking...I was like a zombie!).

The good thing is instead of throwing my hands in the air in despair and beating myself to death...I resolved to exercise twice as much the next day to work it off and to get back on track. I am human after all.I went for my weekly walk with my gal pal and step dogs. It was a great walk... as always. I was feeling alot better about myself! Then, I went directly to the store on the way home from the walk and bought cigarettes! I savored Tim Horton's coffee and then smoked and smoked and smoked some more! Instead of going to the gym as planned, I smoked and did nothing! Then, I had to go out for some toilet paper...and came home with chips, dip and a double Mars bar and Coca Cola! I killed the chip dip in about 6 scoops, drank 3 large glasses of coke, then both Mars bars. Again, I had the shark syndrome. I did not recall the actual eating of the treats...just the aftermath...then the overwhelming anger, guilt and shame.

Emotional eating literally BITES!Emotional eating — eating as a way to suppress or soothe negative emotions, such as stress, anger, anxiety, boredom, sadness and loneliness — is sabotaging my weight-loss efforts. I guess I have to do some deep soul searching to figure out why I continue to do this. I cannot pin point exactly why I do not seem to have any will power. I can't figure out why I can't stop smoking and stop eating. Am I just too hard on myself? Or, does everybody go through this? What the hell is wrong with me? Thank goodness I am still exercising...otherwise I would be 100 pounds heavier right now...which is how I feel with that big ass wagon wheel sitting on my chest!

“Willpower is the ability to eat one salted peanut.”

Lynn
;)

I AM NORMAL!!!!

OK, my 100 pound journey is going mighty slow...slower than pouring frozen molasses actually! BUT, instead of giving up and asking "why bother?"...I try to find new things to kick start this damn metabolism! So, I called up my personal trainer Michelle and set an appointment to get my ass kicked this morning...and she did NOT disappoint!

Even though I was well aware that I had this appointment this morning, I went to my Tri Fit swim last night. Now this move was simply stupid! I did 115 laps in the pool last night in an hour. Tri-Fit swim involves 20 warm up laps, 30 laps of just kicking (no arms and flippers), 30 laps of 'pulls' (all arms with paddles to make it harder, no legs), then 30 laps of free (crawl), choice, free. Meaning I do one lap crawl, one lap breast stroke or backstroke, then back to crawl again to equal 30 laps, then sprints, then cool down free swim. Believe it or not...the flippers are an amazing way to isolate your leg muscles and they create a mega thigh 'burn'. Then, the 'pull paddles' near killed me...they basically pull your muscles off the bone...my triceps were on FIRE! Every single lap I thought about the ass-kicking I was going to get from Michelle this morning...and how I was going to regret this in the morning...and that I did!

Michelle is a sadistic chick who is built like a brick shit house for a reason...she obviously feels no pain! She should have been a dentist...because she takes great pleasure in inflicting pain...under the guise of a 'workout'...yeah right! She is one of the few on this planet who gets to tell me what to do... and I do it! She tolerates my whining,inappropriate cussing, groaning and threats. In fact...she laughs at me while I do it...which makes me laugh at myself! This makes me want to kiss her and punch her at the same time! I have no idea how she tolerates me! I cannot understand how or why she doesn't give up on me either. I will not bore you with the details...but I survived a weight-lifting-ab/butt/thigh burning-muscle-exhausting-hair pulling-whining-screaming-begging for mercy- work out extravaganza! I am going to do this every other day.

When I work out, I am so glad that I do not have a neon ticker tape of my thoughts going across my forehead. If people could see what I think in the run of a work out... I'd be locked up in a white rubber room or arrested! Michelle says that she loves it when I come to her aerobics classes because I smile the entire time. Little does she know...I smile when I scream the "F" word in my head and call her dirty names...which constantly happens during her 60 minute torture sessions!!! One second my inner voice say "what were you thinking? You can't do this...quit right now!...she's INSANE!!!" and then I scream silently in my head "Will you F#$% OFF? Leave me alone! I am going to do this!"

At then end of this psycho fiasco today...Michelle asked me if I wanted her to run me through the intense 10 minutes of cardio. As I said "Yes, sure", my devil voice screamed "WHAT!?...Tell her to DRIFT!!!" Onward and upward, I did 1 minute sprints of running, football feet, step ups, jumping jacks, and air punches over and over non stop to 10 minutes. It doesn't sound like much...but it was hell! IN fact, every single minute my devil voice was saying " OK, tell her you've had enough...tell her you are finished...tell her it is OVER!...STOP!" BUT, I kept at it despite myself.

I have an angel and a devil on each shoulder. I fight with them constantly. BUT for some bizarre reason I cannot explain...I keep going back for more...and more...and more... I must admit I am a sucker for punishment. Bottom line is...her classes ROCK and I do love them...but don't let Michelle know that...I count on her sympathy factor for survival! When it was all said and done...Michelle paid me the greatest compliment of all. She told me that I suffered just like a 'normal' person would. I never dreamed in my life that I would take 'normal' as a compliment...but it made my day!!!! I always figured I was slower because I was bigger and not exactly athletically 'gifted'. I always thought that I was WAY behind the pack...very back of the line...but I am not. I am NORMAL! Who'd of thunk it?

One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.-Helen Keller

Lynn
;)

Fat Girl Turned Sized 7 Syndrome

When I was in high school I had one of the funnest girlfriends you can imagine. I had so much fun with Susan! I still smile and laugh out loud at some of the capers that we got ourselves into. I must admit I really miss that girl... but she is gone forever. Don't get me wrong, she is not physically dead. The 'shell' of this Susan girl still exists but my awesome girlfriend is long gone.

Susan and I hooked up in high school. We had much fun cuffing classes, cruising in the Cordoba, smoking our faces off, and loads of under-aged drinking adventures and parties. That chick was so cool....until she lost a significant amount of weight. Years ago, Susan came to visit me. Another girlfriend called ahead of time to warn me that Susan had lost ALOT of weight. I was elated for her! I didn't understand the BIG WARNING. I was left scratching my head and I wondered why Susan wouldn't have told me about her weight loss efforts or journey (she lived in Boston).She never mentioned a thing about it in many phone calls over the course of her weight loss. Bizarre.

When she arrived at my apartment, my jaw dropped. She had dropped a whopping 70 pounds and she looked absolutely amazing! I was so happy for her. I will admit I was jealous and sad for me, but I was genuinely happy that she fought and won this weight war. I told her over and over how beautiful she looked. WOW! Then...the ugly monster quickly began to rear her ugly head. She went to my cupboards, opened them up and started to preach about why I wasn't losing weight. I buried my hurt, rage, confusion...and we continued on our merry way out for the night. I could not diagnose what I was feeling when she did that. I rationalized that she was trying to help...but I felt patronized and angry. I wrote this off as my own problem with jealousy and told myself to stop being so foolish.

Let's fast forward. The following year, Susan came to visit me again and we went out to PARTY! I was still fat and she was still skinny. I wasn't feeling too good about myself. We walked into the club and Susan started to point out all of the guys that she was going to have wrapped around her finger before the night was over. I resigned to the fact it was my turn to be the purse holder. A couple minutes later, a guy came up to me and said "hey gorgeous wanna dance?" Then his friend piped in "what about my turn?" I said "take a number"...and proceeded out onto the dance floor to rock my ass off for the next 3 solid hours! I had such a blast! Susan sat on the sidelines with a scowl on her face. When we got home to my apartment that night, I asked "what's the matter Susan?" She answered "I cannot believe tonight! I lost all this weight and you ....DIDN'T!! I didn't get any attention at all". I simply answered "don't hate me because I am beautiful". I meant it as a joke...she didn't laugh. In fact, if looks could kill...I wouldn't be writing this blog!

Next, is our 10 year high school reunion. Susan was an unbearable hair flicking snot!! She strutted into the old high school cafeteria like she was a rock star. She was thrilled at first because nobody seemed to recognize her. But that quickly turned into dismay when she realized nobody REMEMBERED her. She started getting really angry when she had to identify herself as "Lynn's friend Susan". I must admit that I took great pleasure in that! Once she announced she was my tag along...everyone said "oh yeah...you drove Lynn to the parties". I truly loved that. At the end of the weekend, I could not write off my uncomfortable feelings anymore. I told her that if we didn;t have such a long history as friends I would tell her to lose my number and drift! I was not jealous of her weight loss... I was desperately clinging to the friendship we once had. She lost 70 pounds... AND every ounce of her personality!! She had developed a syndrome that I have named " Fat Girl Turned Sized 7 Syndrome". Poor thing..."it don't mean a thing if you ain't got that zing!"

Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?

So, I put off everything until after my trip to Cuba. For the last 6 weeks, I said I would "get back on my diet", "get back on track","get back to exercise","quit smoking", "yadda, yadda, yadda"...I am back from Cuba...and kind of dragging my knuckles.

I am proud to announce that I did quit smoking when I got back from Cuba. I put the patch on and quit smoking on November.22. I did have a couple of "sneak smokes" and I am glad that I did. I ended up feeling very sick and had wicked headaches both times... so, I am very confident this time around. When something is taboo for me...I desperately have to have it...so cigarettes are not taboo...they are just not desirable anymore. I am pleased with myself for this big accomplishment. I am a little moody, even sookey, BUT instead of talking about it...I did it! I feel so empowered!

Exercise is 150% easier than it was as a smoker. Spinning, with the exception of the 'hole' incident' was an absolute thrill! I swam 120 laps last night like an Olympian. I went to a 'Tone n Tease' class last week that I am still sore from!(I have ALOT more respect for strippers now!)I had a fabulous walk with my galpal and 'step-dogs'. Now that the cigarettes are gone...I really can see myself crossing that finish line for the sprint triathlon in May. No ifs, ands or BUTTS!

So, why am I being so tough on myself? Instead of celebrating...I am maliciously kicking the shit out of myself! Every moment of every day I curse myself up for craving, eating, sleeping too much, not exercising enough,watching TV, being too lazy...whatever. That little powerful voice inside my head keeps chanting..."no you can't", "what are you thinking?" "you'll never be ready" "FATSO"... I think I figured it out... I used to have the cigarettes as an excuse to fall back on. If I failed or struggled with exercise or weight...I could blame the cigarettes. Now, without the smokes to blame...the only blame I have to blame is...me. To be perfectly honest...I am scared to death!I am absolutely terrified.I am starting to look like I am nuts because I swat at that little voice like a bug. I keep telling it to get LOST!!! So why is the little nasty voice still hanging around? Why won't it BACK OFF??? Everybody has this miserable bastard little voice...right?

Spinning on the Full Moon

Our spinning class is held at the back right hand corner of the gym. I pick a bike, set the seat and handle bars to my height and tighten the hinges etc. I put on my gel seat, unpack my water and hand towel (to wipe up the sweat from my eyeballs), and I get on and start peddling to warm up. I had a FABULOUS class until...a fellow spinner told me I had a hole in my pants!!!

I wondered how on earth she knew I had a 'hole' because she was facing me throughout the class...not behind me! She told me that the instructor for the next class(setting up behind me in the gym) rushed up to tell her about my 'hole' at the end of the class. Apparently the girl who noticed my 'hole' asked my spinning colleague... "how well do you know that girl(me)?... she has a hole in her pants!" This INSANE question is the inspiration for my blog today!!!Let me explain to you why the 'hole' spotter's question is totally INAPPROPRIATE!

I have been embarrassed many times in my life and I will be many more...no big deal in my world really...it makes for great stories!! I've found 'holes' that could have been pretty embarrassing...like the size of a loonies in the thigh of my exercise leggings ...or even a little crotch 'peek-a-boo" before. That, I can cope with!OK....now brace yourselves everyone...my entire ass was showing!! I am not exaggerating!!! My entire ass was out of the black leggings I had on. I will also add that I do not wear undies because you can see them through skin tight leggings...so my big white shiny ass was protruding out of a 'hole' as big as your head! I cannot explain to you why I did not feel a rip or a breeze...I didn't feel any differing in temperature from the back door region at all! This is probably because my ass goes numb from the pain of that small bike seat being rammed into my ass fat!

So, imagine this. I am on a spinning bike, bent over the handle bars with my ass up in the air peddling like a son of a gun! My big shiny white ass is pointed out towards the rest of the gym. There are about 20 some ladies getting set up for a step aerobics class. When the class is over, I bend over and touch my toes and stretch out my calves. The first thing that enters the 'hole' spotter's mind is ..." who am I going to tell about this ladies 'hole'?" HELLO DUMB ASS!!!!!!!!! HOW ABOUT TELLING ME? Did I miss a day in etiquette class when I was young? Since when do you have to know somebody really well to tell them there is a 'hole' in their pants the size of New York and their shiny bare ass is hanging out? All she had to say is "excuse me but there is a hole in your pants". You would think out of the 20 ladies getting ready for the next class who were staring at my bare 'hole'...would have done or said something to me! To add insult to injury...the gym doors are glass so the general public in the gym can saunter by and have a bamboozle at my special 'hole' too!

Thank God I had an extra sweater to wrap around my ass...so I could back out of the gym to the safety of my car! When I got home I said to my hubby "look what happened to me tonight!!". He got me to bend over and I guess he had quite the view....like way more interesting than the full moon...he got an eye-full of the universe!

PLEASE... if you see more than you think someone is planning for you to see...take a chance and tell a stranger that their bare ass is sticking through a crater in their pants!!! I guarantee you...if someone would have approached me to inform me about the 'hole'...the last thing I would have thought was "I didn't even know that person!"

Knowing is Half the Battle

Twenty five years ago I was profoundly affected by an Oprah show....and I am still haunted by it to this day. The audience was divided into two separate groups. The people with blue eyes were given a bright green collar to wear and given the worst seats in the room. The brown eyed people were treated to fresh donuts while the blue eyed people watched. When the blue eyed people asked where their donuts were they were sharply told to sit down and shut up! A lady named Jane Elliott came out onto the stage and began to explain how studies have overwhelmingly proven that blue eyed people are inferior to brown eyed people. She continued to say that blue eyed people were arrogant, demanding, had a misplaced sense of entitlement and had lower IQ's. Now, being a blue eyed person I was screaming and yelling at the television! I was outraged!!!One lady called in and explained that FINALLY there was some proof to explain why her blue eyed child was so difficult to deal with...and her brown eyed child was a pleasure. The blue-eyed people in the audience were outraged! Every time the blue-eyed people tried to protest they were told to sit down and shut up. The brown-eyed audience members took turns standing up and discussing their 'problems' with blue-eyed people. I literally LOST my mind!!!

Jane Elliott's "Blue Eyes/Brown Eyes" was an experiment to expose the effects of social conditioning. She made one group superior and the other inferior. Predictably, she showed that if a group of people is maliciously held back and made to feel like there are worth less than another group, eventually the allegedly inferior group will act the part of actually becoming inferior. The superior group found common ground quickly and joined forces to keep the inferior group...inferior....thus maintaining superiority. This social conditioning, sadly, is wired into our brains...as fight or flight...or survivial of the fittest...the meek shall inherit the earth...whatever. BUT... as GI JOE used to say... "knowing is half the battle".

This week, a friend sent me an article about the supreme court's ruling to allow obese people 2 seats for the price of one when flying. I was thrilled with the court's sensitive recognition of such a need. I was not so thrilled with the insensitive comments that followed! I was devastated! The very first comment was about how unfair and ridiculous it is to cater to 'those gluttons who do not know when to put their forks down". Then, a Frankenstein-esque frenzied mob of negative comments followed..."the obese are a disgusting bunch of lazy slobs whose very presence leaves a scar on mankind!!!!" Other comments included that the obese are ugly, stinky, greasy, obnoxious...you get the picture. I went on to read the same article posted in different forums all over the Internet and all of them had similar postings. One moron actually suggested that everyone should eat as much as they can so they can have an entire row to themselves in an airplane. Now there's a lifetime goal!! I was absolutely heart broken and I felt totally helpless. This behavior is right in front of your face everyday. The fat person in the movies is always a dufus, clown, idiot, fall guy....background music...wallflower.Talk shows have done the 'fat suit' experiment time and time again with the same results...The fat person gets shoved in the back of the restaurant. Well 'boo-hoo'...the model chick still gets to take the fat suit off when the cameras get turned off. Nowadays, it is politically incorrect to be derogatory to anyone for anything EXCEPT the FAT. Let's just publically acknowledge the big-ass bulls eye on the fat people....it has always been there anyway. Everybody laughs...nobody gets hurt...right? I am ashamed to be human today.

“Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages.”-Thomas Edison

Thong...th..th...th... thong!

Years ago I went on a cruise. There was a gaggle of really BIG black girls who lit up the entire boat with their smiles and fits of laughter. Just being near them made me smile! To add to the allure, these ladies wore two piece dresses, bikinis, and very teeny weeny THONGS! Yes, as the song goes...thong...th...th...th.thongs! I must admit, it wasn't a pretty sight... BUT I was intrigued by their confidence and obvious nonchalant issues with body image. Out of curiosity I took a peek at the topless deck one day and there was a HUGE black woman with breasts bigger than basketballs tanning topless with a thong and happy as a pig in shit. They simply loved life and savored each other's company. It was obvious they did not spend hours worrying abut the number on the scales or the size of their clothes. I must admit by the end of the week I wished I was one of those black girls.

I just got home from Cuba. I was amazed once again to see women in thong...th...th...th...thongs... who should NOT be. One large girl was wearing a string bikini that was reminscant of those tightly tied rump roasts. She didn't have a care in the world. But where did the line betwen beautiful confidence and vulgarity go? I began asking myself if I was the only one who thought such feats were extraordinary acts of courage? or insanity? I mean really...did I HAVE to be an involuntary voyeur to this woman's over-sized and unshaved 'courage'? Like a traffic accident I had to keep on looking...I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder and i am going to have to deal with it.

"Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane."

Tip Toe Through the Treetops

Last Sunday I went to TreeGo. TreeGo is an extremely challenging series of acrobatic obstacles up high in the trees. Since they opened last year, I not only wanted to go and do it...I felt compelled to do it.

To start, you are oriented to the harness and equipment. There is no worry of falling. It is impossible. My fear was not actually falling...my fear was falling and then attempting to get back up. You need a tremendous amount of upper arm strength to do this. Thank goodness I had no idea what I was in for!!

To look at the pictures posted on Face book by others, everyone is smiling and laughing and appear to be having the time of their lives. That is bullshit! Or...the pictures were taken very early on in their journey. If there was video footage of my journey...you would have been exposed to a grown woman trembling and pissing her pants in fear!

So, like skiing, the trails are marked according to difficulty. You 'graduate' from the easiest to the hardest. At first, I was smiling and giggling like a school girl. So was my husband... but he'd kill me if he knew I told the world about it! LOL! I was expecting a few ladder climbs and zip lines. This was not the case. There was a series of high wires, rickety old ladders, logs and hung by chains and swaying this way and that. This swing scared the BEJESUS out of me. As a control freak, it was even more challenging to just step on a swing and be zipped across a wire to the next post about 40 feet above the ground! This picture may look like I am laughing...but I am screaming my lungs out!

The best and WORST moments of this day occurred at the exact same times throughout the course. I encountered 2 ladders and a reverse zip line that made me feel like I was going to die! I found myself at 'almost' the top of a ladder with not one ounce of arm or hand strength to carry on. I couldn't step down and I couldn't get up. I screamed ' please Jesus help me!!!!!!' in absolute hysteria panic and terror. I was in a place in my head that was VERY dark. Can you imagine...seconds before dying (perceived dying) that the last thought you would ever think would be " you big ass fat COW! This wouldn't be happening if you weren't such a big-fat-pack-a-day-smoking-f#$%^&'n-COW!" This is sadly...exactly what I was thinking. I was so mad at myself for even thinking at 258 pounds that I could do this. I was enraged that I allowed myself to get this fat and unhealthy. I was really devastated that I keep on thinking that I will really stick to my diet TOMORROW! Well, in my terror...tomorrow wasn't coming. I finally had to face the reality that if I was hanging on for my life on the edge of a cliff...I would have to let go and die. Period. BUT, I did not QUIT!

I am constantly reminded by people that I am an adventurous woman. My mother said I should have been the boy in our family because I have BIG BALLS. I love change, I love challenge. I have had the privilege of being in the military and doing the military obstacle courses, tear gas huts, being called "RAMBETTE" shooting sub machine guns on the firing range, cooking for 'green-colored' sailors out on rough seas, firefighting, sinking ship SIMS, and so much more! I have seen and done many wild things in the short course of my life. I will sign up to do just about anything! I didn't really have a clue that some of the things I do are viewed as such a big deal ...until the e mails came flooding in from people who adamantly refuse to do such a thing!

At TreeGo, I could have screamed for help. I could have had the firefighters come and rescue me like a kitten in the trees. I could have stopped on a perch in the trees and cried. Looking back, in my sheer terror moments, quitting never crossed my mind. Not once. The only way to go was forward. Every time I got to the top of the next ladder, next perch, next challenge... I did not hesitate to keep going. In retrospect, this really surprised me about myself. I was thrilled and elated that I completed this self-induced tortuous challenge! Now, if only I could get a grip on this weight thing!

"Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right."- Henry Ford

Lynn

;)

"Weight Watchers can KISS MY ASS!"

Ten years ago I went on my first trip south. Instead of being excited like most 'normal' people... I spent months grieving about my size before-hand. I couldn't believe that I agreed to go to the Dominican Republic with a super-fragalistic-brick-house-skinny-chick and her husband. I was sick to my stomach about how fabulous she looked in her tanned skinned gold lamay bikini body. I obsessed how HUGE I was going to look beside her on the beach. All this grief for months before we even got on the plane!

Well, when I am upset I try to offset the pain that I am feeling with humour. I had heard that 'topless' was perfectly acceptable on the beaches of the Dominican Republic. So, the first morning on the beach I joked about showing off my bodacious ta-tas much to my horrified husband's chagrin. As soon as we hit the beach edge, I lifted my top to quickly flash the masses and out of the blue...on a beach full of thousands of people... we heard “OMG! Lynn & Mike are here!!!" I almost puked and died of embarrassment! What are the chances of randomly flashing my boobs on a beach full of thousands of strangers AND meeting up with a group of friends from our local watering hole CHEERS? One of the barflies at CHEERS is still asking me to flash them a decade later!

Anyways, back to the grieving now. The four of us settled on the beach for the day and the Dominican men started smiling widely and ogling. In my head I was cursing "great, it is starting already" (the attention to the beauty queen). As I went to get myself a fruity drink to 'hush' the ridiculous negative self talk going on in my head, something totally unexpected happened! The Dominican ooglers followed me to the bar. They asked me my name, put flowers in my hair and had HUGE smiles on their faces. Then a crowd of Dominican men started forming around me! The attention just did not make sense. I asked them "Why is everybody gathering here? Do I look like somebody famous?" One of them piped up "NO, you are just so very beautiful!" I was like "WTF???"As the week progressed, my husband became very nervous and he would not let me go anywhere unaccompanied because I literally had an entourage of admirers everywhere I went. It was thrilling!

A couple of years later, we went to CUBA. Again, I grieved about being so big and going with 2 other couples who were comprised of skinny and perfect chicks! On the very first night, the smiling Cuban men started staring and smiling, pointing, waving and following me! My husband got nervous again!Everyday, the workers gave me flowers for my hair, grasshoppers made from palm leaves, and any other tropical plant treats they could think of. One of our waiters gave me a cross necklace! I even got marriage proposals! Now, you have to remember there were 2 skinny girls and 5 other men everywhere we went. The Cubans did not acknowledge them. I felt like a virgin at a prison rodeo!!It became a fun 'theme' for the week...the sex kitten goes to Cuba! It was on that trip that I claimed "Weight Watchers can KISS MY ASS!"

I wish I could say that I really meant that statement. BUT, I must live in North America (at least for now), and I am unhealthy with my blood sugars and weight and smoking. I am going to Cuba again next week...and I can barely wait!!! No grieving this time...I will not disappoint my Cuban fans! I will have to work twice as hard to burn off all those fruity drinks I will be ingesting! BUT...it is a price I am willing to pay!

Lynn
;)

Lynn's Pity Party

Weight 258 Body Fat 44.3% Weight loss 0 BF loss 0!

*CAUTION- THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS WHINING*

I am frustrated! I am angry that I have to work twice as hard to lose 1 pound. I am angry that everybody else can eat what they want and I can't. I am angry that I have been working very hard to lose weight and it is not working. I have been working out one hour a day religiously for a month with no weight loss results on the scales! Today, I am just "feeling sorry for myself"... having a pity party and nobody is invited!!

Did you ever notice if you break up with somebody or have some sort of turmoil in your life that every single song on the radio was written for you? If you are suddenly single you see happy couples strolling hand in hand blissfully ignorant of your feelings? Well, I've had a similar experiences with my fist fight with fat and television. I will never forget the day Oprah pulled out that big ass wagon full of 70 pounds of yellow fat onto the stage! I was traumatized to discover that 70 pounds of fat was so big and horrifically ugly. I was also distressed that another chick from the fat club 'bit the dust'. I was young and not mature enough to be happy for Oprah at the time. I was jealous and I lashed out in rage! I know that I was not the only one who said " it's easy for Oprah...she's rich and has personal trainers and chefs". I even held my own private protest and stopped watching her show for a while. I held on to this poor attitude for a couple of years.

This diet failed for Oprah. It was some sort of 'magic potion or pill'... so as soon as she started eating real food she ballooned right back up to the fat chick I knew and loved. But something changed in her this time. Her heartbreak was evident on her face all the time. The pain and humiliation of showing it off and then getting fatter than before...quickly and on national TV...was too much to bear. I began to feel her pain. Oprah's hair got bigger, her make up louder to compensate and take attention away from the weight. But, instead it only drew more attention to it. For some reason, the bigger women get....the bigger the outfits, the make up, and the hair get. I realized at that moment that Oprah was human.

I started to really love Oprah again when she began to open up and share her pain about her personal struggles with weight with us. She had shows just about losing weight and getting healthy and she included the audience. She made it possible for regular-folk to share their pain and struggles. Her shows were not only about how to lose weight, they also featured accessible ideas and plans that were relevant to us common-folk. Oprah let us know that we are not alone out there...we all struggle, beat the hell out of ourselves, and cry in changing rooms all over the world.

Yesterday, I watched 'Made', a television series on Much Music that gives teenagers the chance to be partnered with a coach and accomplish a goal over their summer break. Some kids have become BMX racers, surfers, skateboarders, models, and so on. Yesterday a fat and inactive kid who was 275 pounds and about 5'2 wanted to be a triathlete. This 17 year old boy had never exercised and he was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and hypothyroid. When he started the show I said "this poor kid doesn't have a chance". Well...low and behold...he managed to lose 40 pounds in 3 months and he completed a mini triathlon. Near the end, during the last mile of the run...he quit. He said he 'hit a wall' and couldn't do it. I lost it!! Just like a "run Forrest run!!!" moment, I stood up in my living room and cried out "you HAVE to do it god damn it!!! I NEED you to do this for me!!! Get moving!". Thank goodness he did get a second wind and completed the race. He was bawling in disbelief as he crossed that finish line... I was hysterically crying and thanking God that he did it! I NEEDED him to do it!

I also watched the Biggest Loser last night. I never dreamt that I would KILL to have this title!!!I used to despise this show as well. My attitude was "oh goody gum drops...the fat people lottery". If you were lucky enough to be taken away and locked up in a specialized fat farm, you could lose weight. I resented these people who had 8 hours a day to work out with a personal trainer, with world class equipment and no chance to cheat with a specialty diet. But, last night my attitude changed for the better, again. These people are wearing 2 piece skin tight spandex outfits on national TV that squeeze their fat out over the sides like a sausage. Their weight is displayed on national television and loudly announced. Last night, despite 8 hour work outs and special diets for a week... they only lost 1-2 pounds each. They had expected a huge loss but the scales did not move. I was devastated for them and cried like a fool along with them. BUT, I did find comfort in their pain... it made me realize that I am not alone in this perpetual struggle.

Please forgive my pity party...I am having a tough time and I am bummed out today. I have been advised by my dietitian and swim coach that I am going to have to do "two-a-days" in order to boost my metabolism and achieve weight loss. What does this mean? It means I must lift weights an hour in the morning, and exercise for an hour in the evening...everyday in order to lose weight. How is this fair? I do not eat anything that is white... only multigrain and whole wheat breads, pastas and rice in my life. I only eat healthy foods with oodles of vegetables and fruit. I do not drink pop and I get sick if I eat fast food, chips or garbage. I only drink water and tons of it. I keep a food diary. I exercise daily. I am doing a tri fit swim which is 100 laps an hour every Monday, spinning 3 times a week, aquarunning, walking 10-15km every week end and 5km of rowing! I am sleeping regularly. I am doing everything that I am supposed to be doing! I do have more energy, I feel better and I know I will get somewhere if I keep it up. I do realize that all of my work is not in vain... but it is still SUCKING TO BE ME right now!!! I know that I just have to "suck it up...buttercup." Reality bites...so I have to just deal with it.

Lynn
;(

The PMS Dwarfs

Weight 258 pounds Body Fat 44.3% Pounds lost 1 Body fat loss 0.3%

OMG! I cannot believe I lost a pound! This does not make one ounce of sense! I have no business losing a pound this week!

This week I have been hauling around my little demons...the PMS dwarfs. If you are man or woman you know who they are! BITCHY, BLOATY, CRAMPY, WHINY, CRAVEY, SLEEPY, and KILLER!!! Typically the dwarfs weigh an extra couple of pounds...BLOATY alone is 2 pounds of water! Then, CRAVEY made me eat a barrel of M & M's, and any other chocolate substance I could get my hands on! CRAVEY was totally out of control and this just made SLEEPY and WHINY behave much worse than usual. WHINY didn't want to go to the gym at all, so he and SLEEPY conspired and put me to bed for an involuntary nap a couple times. I have no choice but to tip-toe around KILLER! KILLER is totally unpredictable and he can be harmful to any one's health if they say the wrong thing...or even blink in the wrong direction. So needles to say...when we all stepped onto the scales I was prepared for the worse! I looked at the dietitian in disbelief! I admitted my infidelities to her... I even told her about the barrel of M&M's, the double thick and gooey Caramilk bar, the coke and chips, fudge and crumbs from the couch! I am not kidding...I was a walking, talking, napping bottomless pit!

Do you know what saved me? The exercise! I am very pleased with this 'new' behavior I have adopted. Everyday I plan my schedule around exercise. I swim, spin, aqua-run, walk, row and anything else I can think of... I am always moving. Despite the 'turtle-esque' pace of the weight loss, I have noticed that my clothes fit better and I do have more energy... once the dwarfs get lost! I would kill for an ooey gooey chocolate bucket of TURTLES right now!!! I better get back to the gym!

Lynn
;)

Bring it on!

I spontaneously pulled into the Moncton Running Room parking lot in April 2005. I sat in my car and smoked 3 cigarettes before I walked in and signed up for a Learn to Run Clinic. I purchased the proper running shoes, socks and water bottle right then and there. As I walked back to the car I shook my head in disbelief and I asked myself….”What were you thinking?” There was no turning back!

Looking back, I was desperate that day. I was 273 pounds and smoking a full package of cigarettes a day. I was eating and smoking out of control because my life was out of control. I was miserable and stressed out at work. I was crying inexplicably all the time and I needed to take medication for depression and to sleep. I had cracked 4 molars from grinding my teeth in my sleep due to stress. After I paid the dentist $1200 for repairs and a bite plane, I drove directly to the Running Room to learn how to run. Ironically this rock bottom day turned out to be one of the best days of my life. I began to realize that I was judging myself by ‘what I do’ rather than ‘who I am’. My career had taken first place over everything and everyone else. For that, I had built up a lot of bitterness and I subsequently burned out. I needed to do something to de-stress and regain control of my life.

I was scared to death the first night of the clinic! Week after week I asked myself “What were you thinking?” I will never forget the first time we did the 3:1 week. It was a rainy and cold day and I felt breathless and hopeless. I managed to do it with the encouragement of the clinic instructor Stacey and her assistants, Anne, Gus and Shirley. They believed in me more than I did! Despite their encouragement and my incredible accomplishment, I cried all the way home in the car! But, for some reason I kept going back week after week.

The 3:1 week was pivotal to my running success for two reasons. The first reason was meeting my friend Carol. We were always way behind the others in the clinic every week. Carol and I bonded immediately because she turned to me and said “What the heck were we thinking?” We became fast friends! From that week forward, she forced herself to go running because she had agreed to meet me and vice versa. Carol and I continued to ‘bring up the back’ together, laughing and telling stories. Carol and ran 4 km; 3 times a week because we are too stubborn to cancel on each other and neither one of us ever wants to go back to the 3:1 level ever again! We realized that running is beneficial for you physically, and mentally. Before, a rain storm would’ve ruined my day and I would have run from the car to the house. Later, Carol and I would run through the puddles and giggle like fools!

In August 2005, Carol and me participated in the ‘5 Miler’ in the Marathon by the Sea in Saint John NB. During the race, we continuously asked ourselves “What the heck were we thinking?” and “Can you believe that we are actually running?” When I crossed that finish line holding up hands with my 2 running buddies, I felt like I had just climbed Mount Everest! Then, to top it all off, a big picture of us crossing the finish line was in the newspaper that next day! Our faces hurt because we couldn’t stop smiling.


In July 2006, I participated in another dream come true… the Ottawa Bell City Chase. Again, I was scared to death because I didn’t know what to expect and I questioned my abilities. The Bell City Chase was so much fun! My partner in the race, Barbara, was a long lost childhood friend. We had been inseparable from the age of 4-18 years old. Then, our lives took different paths and we lost touch with each other for 19 years. In 2006 we found each other again and we decided that the Bell City Chase was the best way to commemorate our reunion. Barbara lives in the Ottawa region, so we decided on that location. Thank goodness Barbara knew the city well, because I live in Moncton NB and I was clueless to where we were most times. The race was full of wild and crazy adventures and we had so much fun acting like kids again! The race was scheduled over 6 hours (10am- 4pm).We finished in just over 5 hours and we were far from last place. I felt like I could conquer anything when I crossed that finish line!

I began to realize that running had radically changed my life. I originally joined to lose weight and to quit smoking. I did manage to lose 40 pounds, but I gained so much more! I gained self respect and confidence, as well as a fantastic life long friend in Carol. She and I dedicated 4 hours every week to de-stress and take care of ourselves. I also discovered that my entire attitude towards life had changed. I left the safety of convention (my job) and took a giant leap of faith this past January to pursue my dream of becoming a Nurse Entrepreneur. Instead of dreading everyday, I wake up and seek out new challenges and goals to pursue. Instead of asking “What were you thinking?” I now say “Bring it on!”

Carol’s husband got a new job in another city and she moved away in October 2006. I am still devastated that she ran into my life and ran out! (I am just kidding Carol but I do miss you terribly!) I never ran again after our last run together. I am angry with myself as I swore I would never stop running and now when I will have to start from square one again. But the best part is I know I can do it. I don’t question whether I can or I can’t. My next goal is to do a sprint triathlon in May. 2009 and I can barely wait!!!
Sincerely,

Lynn
;)

Thanksgiving...The DARK side!

Thanksgiving, Christmas and any other function that involves publicly eating with a 'group' are hellish holidays for me. My entire family is big. For as long as I can remember all of us have fallen subject to the most ignorant and insensitive remarks from family, friends and STRANGERS! My brother was nick-named "moose", my dad has always been referred to as "BIG EV" (his name is Everett), and as for Mom, Sis and myself we have been lucky to escape nick-names...we only get unpredictable and random insults.

There is a tremendous disadvantage when you wear your pain (fat) on the outside... people take free reign to make unwelcome and rude comments as they see fit. One of my most traumatizing memory of fat remarks was at my grandmother's funeral. My Dad's mother, the most amazing and loving soul, was the center of our universe. My grieving Dad was standing beside his dead mother's casket and one of the most infamously ignorant guests said "My goodness Everett, you're so BIG... if somebody pricked your belly with a pin it would blow all over the room like a balloon!!" What the hell was she thinking? How on earth do these people live with themselves? To this day I want to suffocate the pudgy old witch with an overstuffed dinner roll and poke her in the belly with a rusty pin!

Many years ago, I was heart-broken to learn that my parents do not eat at gatherings of any kind... EVER! They eat a meal before they go, and do NOT touch any food at public gatherings. I asked my Dad why he does this...and he told me people stare, point and/or make rude comments. I thought my Dad was over-reacting...until I became victim myself more times than I would like to recall. One time, I was suckered into going to a shower with a group that had pelted me with many ignorant comments before. So, like my parents... I decided to eat before this stressful event and not touch any of the food! When the potato salad was presented the host loudly stated " make sure everybody gets some before you get into it Lynn". I desperately tried to recall the 'get together' where I stole the barrel full of potato salad from the starving African orphans and licked it freaking clean... leaving the orphans to die of starvation!! Somebody must have slipped a "roofie" in that vat of potato salad while I blindly gorged on it...because I cannot recall that particular event at all!! I made a point to only drink water and coffee for the entire shower. When I went into the kitchen to fill my water glass another guest whom I have never met loudly said " Now don't you eat all that cake...that's for the guest of honor!" I answered "Damn it! I was just about to put my face right in it and lick it all clean...now what am I going to do?" I left without looking back. Sadly this event is not an exceptional day, it has become a 'normal' occurrence in my life and has happened more times than I can count.

Nobody has any right to say mean comments to anyone... but for some reason this 'curse' follows me everywhere I go. One Christmas, at my ex boyfriend's house, I was served Christmas dinner on a small salad plate while the rest of the people around the table ( about 12) ate from large plates. My boyfriend's mother proudly announced to all that I would feel fuller quicker. I tried act grateful for her 'thoughtfulness'...I also tried desperately not to cry. The saddest thing about that day, besides the OBVIOUS elephant in the room, was that I was 70 pounds lighter than I am now! I was actually at my present goal weight...and still treated like some gorging fat beast! The good news is, that this behavior was 'routine' banter with this group too. So, I was thrilled that I was prepared for such an insult. I had a suitcase with a 'fake' bottom that I layered with chips, dip, chocolate bars and cigarettes! Every night of our stay at his folks that week, I slipped away for a bath. I sneak-smoked out the window while the tub ran...and giggled and laughed at how brilliant I was. Then, I had my own secret feast. I remember smugly chipping and dipping whilst sitting in the tub....smiling and proclaiming " I am so SMART! I win!" Yes, I won...right? WRONG!

Another ignoramus had the balls to tell me she was "shocked" to learn that my husband and I were married...to each other! My husband is a gorgeous little French man with the 'sweetest ass' I ever squeezed! She went on to say she thought we were 'just good friends' because he is so gorgeous and I was ... so BIG! This 'dumb ass' actually thought she was complimenting me on how 'in love' we were. To add insult to injury she then went on to tell me that she has been a bridesmaid many times and cannot understand why fat brides always have skinny bridesmaids in their wedding. This camel-toed-trashy-ditch-pig with fried dirty hair and a squidgy... was TOTALLY serious!!!! So, with a wide grin I answered "You obviously have never heard of the fat girl code of weddings ... all of us fat girls around the world made a pact to select the homliest chicks for bridesmaids that we possibly can so we will stand out and look stunning on our day...that is why you've been in so many weddings." The dumb-ass was perplexed and nodded "oh". I walked away and left her to figure out that puzzle on her own. This was at least 5 years ago, and she is still sitting at the bar scratching her head wondering why I won't speak to her.

Sadly for me, I have to make plans ahead of time and eat before I 'roll out' of the house this week end. As Thanksgiving approaches for me... I can only think back to the good old Brownie's motto "Be Prepared"... with resentment...not with a heart full of gratefulness.

Lynn
;)

Don't Shower on Weigh Day!!!

Weight 259.5 Body Fat 44.6%- Weight Gain 0.5 pounds, Body Fat up 0.1%

My 100 pound journey is off to an "caterpillar-esque" start. In fact, the journey so far reminds me of those ping pong paddles with the rubber ball attached with a string. "Fly be free!" then back to the paddle for a "SMACK!" Over and over. Yes folks I gained again!!! Unfortunately I cannot say I don't know why...Saturday I had pizza!! My exercise is still going on everyday and going strong, sometimes twice a day. BUT, the fat-o-meter confirms it is FAT, not muscle. If am going to cheat at all...I might as well tape the pizza or offending VIOLATION directly on my ass, rather than eat it.

I also hit the painful reality today (that would be a SMACK moment on the paddle). My little weigh-day antics really don't make a difference either! My regimen is similar to those psycho BINGO babes who have their bingo blotters blessed by the priest, line up their trolls ( the ugly dolls with out of control neon hair ... and their kids) and who grow beards...oh wait a minute...they can't help that! Well, I have a weigh-day regimen that is comparably insane. Let's review some of my irrational weigh day beliefs!

1. No showering on weigh day- I shower the night before, so the water molecules in my gazillion pores can evaporate!! My gal pal at coffee contradicted this theory this morning...she says dirt would weigh more than water...so I will be showering and exfoliating for next week weigh-in!

2. No moisturizing_ I use Palmer's cream which contributes to my "creamy creamy dreamy beach smelling skin". I skip this luxury on weigh-day because it will add mass!

3. If God is good...he will let me poop!- I am sure on some days that I 'lose' at least 10 pounds!!! However, coffee gal pal has also shattered this belief of mine. She told me that she weighed 'before' and 'after' with no difference on the scales, not even a millionth of an ounce! Damn!

4. Always get weighed in the morning- All of us fighting the battle of the bulge understand that over the course of a day you gain 10 pounds from gravity, pollution in your pores, hair spray and that heavy fibre cereal that you ate for breakfast.

5. Clothes weigh at least 10 pounds!- Unfortunately for me, I get weighed at a public place, so my little dietitian Judy (the same psycho who recommends eating half of a banana instead of a whole one- I said monkeys don't eat half a banana lady!) will not allow me to strip off to my thong! I did OK in the summer but now that it's cold I look odd wearing a bathing suit and flip fops with a heavy Fall jacket and scarf!

6. No salt or sodium based anything the day before- I don't know about you, but if I even smell salt I bloat up like the stay puff marshmallow man!

7. Begging God for a 'break'- This does not work at all. You can ask God for spiritual guidance, motivation, even a spiritual kick in the ass, but he laughs his ass off when you ask for forgiveness or a "break" on the scales! In fact, I am pretty sure he had a belly laugh at me today as I approached the monstrous beast of a scale! God is in fact everywhere, this morning he put his foot on the scales while I was on them!

8. "This won't hurt a bit"- How on earth do we continue to fall for this? You know it's going to hurt like hell at the dentist when they say that! You know the nurse is about to jab you with a big ass needle when she says this. So, why on earth do we let our brains convince us that eating 4 slices of orgasmic ooey gooey pizza with melted orgasmic cheese on top...isn't going to hurt a bit?

9. If you eat with your eyes closed the calories don't count- I don't think I need to explain this irrational but soothing excuse! Those of you who have "been there" already know.

10. Keeping a food diary expedites weigh loss- FALSE- I just realized that if you don't record every morsel in your mouth this does not work. Did you know that writing down that you ate fruit... and leaving out the angel food cake and chocolate fondue part...does not work either! This is unacceptable!! LOL!

I hope that you take away some new found knowledge from my weigh-day regimen. I sure had a great laugh at myself! (I'm sorry BINGO ladies!)

"Weebles wobble but they don't fall down!!!"

Lynn
;)

FAT KIDS

I went to a Wildcats game a couple weeks ago. I don't recall much of the game at all. Do you want to know why? I was absolutely shocked and horrified by the number of obese children...everywhere. There was so many fat kids that the normal-sized kids stood out of the crowd. Now I am not talking chubby. I am referring to really horrifically morbidly obese fat-ass kids! A couple of kids had huge beer guts, hanging down over their pants with plumber ass cracks. To make matters even worse, I saw many kids scarf down about $30 worth of garbage each during the game (french fries, cotton candy, popcorn, chips, soda, deep fried pretzels, ice cream). Trip after trip to the concessions stands non-stop!! That is gross! This tragedy has been haunting me.

I was a chubby kid and now I am a fat adult. Thank God, I grew up in the days where kids played outdoors all day and all night. I remember my Mother dragging me reluctantly inside because it was bedtime. I had a little French boyfriend named 'Freddie' when I was a little girl, . I used to force that poor bugger to kiss me against his will and play Barbies with me instead of going to hockey practice! Freddie and I played cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, climbed mountains (which are just little rocks now), and we rode our bikes all over the world!!! (The world of little kids that is!) When there was snow we spent hours digging forts, sliding, and exploring for hours on end. Don't forget tag, hide-and-go seek, and garden raids!!! Freddie and I NEVER watched television and computers did not exist. THANK GOD!! Sadly those days of freedom are gone. With today's double income homes, latch key kids and psychopaths out there...kids cannot go outside and explore freely. It isn't safe.

It also is not safe to sit back and allow the television to babysit your children either. It is even worse that parents routinely facilitate Internet surfing, instant messaging and computer gaming for their children for hours on end! Ironically, in this day-and-age where parents strive for their kids to have more than they ever did ...they are actually sending their children to an early grave. To hell with the environment for our children's future...they will not live to see the ramifications of pollution. These kids are all going to die due to obesity related illnesses before they are 30. I am not exaggerating! Because of this culture of excess, diseases that used to be isolated to the adult population are now popping up in 10 year old kids! How sad is that in today's world where information is just a click away?

Well listen up folks! Here is what I think of your obese kid...I am disgusted! I can't even look at you! Your kid can be smart as hell, talented, charming and big hearted...and I will never know. As soon as I lay eyes on your morbidly obese kid I instantly think "lazy and obnoxious". When they are morbidly obese adults I will not hire them for the same reason. My corporation is not going to lose billions of dollars on obesity related diseases and sick time. I need a productive employee who is motivated to excel. Morbidly obese kids represent the exact opposite. Sadly it is not thier fault, but this is how the world works.

One time at WalMart I saw a 4 years old kid and she was at least 100 pounds! She was a FAT BEAST! That kid isn't even old enough to make a decision to wipe her own ass and her mother was shoving chips at her. I would never claim that 'chub-rub' disaster as mine. I would be hiding because that kid is a walking advertisement for her mother's poor parenting skills. If only that mother knew she was basically screaming " I am an abysmal failure as a parent and human being". That kid should be taken away from this woman so she at least gets a shot at life. She is screwed at 4 years old! Thus far the most common excuse for parents breeding fat kids is guilt. Well alieve your guilt by shoving 3 Twinkies in your own pie-hole! Your fat kid is a walking-short of breath-grunting advertisement for neglect!

This message is not nice, but it is necessary. I have spent my entire life fist-fighting with fat. I do not blame my parents as they encouraged exercise and daily activity and regular meals. My size is directly related to my poor decisions and lifestyle choices as an adult. I cannot even begin to express the intolerable cruelty going on in my own head , let alone the social pressures associated with being fat. I may be fat, but I am also fit. Even the skinny kids out there are not physcially fit. Peer pressure for kids today is 1000 times worse than it ever was in our day. Kids have to walk and talk and dress a certain way in order to be accepted. If only parents could just say "no" to instant gratification. For a short temper tantrum of disappointment, they would save their kids a lifetime of pain. It is time to stop tip-toeing around this issue and wake the hell up! It is time we all consciouly cross the politcally correct line and say "your kid is fat...there is no need of that". To hell with saving the whales...just say NO!

Lynn
;)

Sabotage

Weight-259 Body Fat 44.2% Pounds gained!-1pound Body Fat- Loss 0.5%

I must admit I am a hypocrite. I just posted that I would not be obsessed with numbers, and I would just go by the way I feel. Well, I lied! I gained weight this week. My heart sunk in my boots when I saw that I gained a pound. Yes, I know about gaining muscle to lose pounds. I know the logic...muscle is heavier than fat, more muscle means faster fat loss...bla, bla, bla... I get it. But that 1 single rat-bastard-pound slapped me in the face! Could I say that I have no idea why the loss didn't happen? Of course I can...but that would be a lie. I sabotaged myself. I will never understand why I sabotage myself. I had a fabulous week with my diet and exercised like a son of a gun! On Sunday, the day before weigh in I ate 8 rice crispy squares! Not one...EIGHT! Over the day I heard the box of rice crispy squares taunting me saying... "Eat me bitch! EAT ME!" I was in a trance... and obeyed the rice crispy square gods. The definition of sabotage is:

1.any underhand interference with production, work, etc., in a plant, factory, etc., as by enemy agents during wartime or by employees during a trade dispute.
2.any undermining of a cause.
3.to injure or attack by sabotage.
4. disable, vandalize, cripple

I have participated in this behavior for many years. I do not have an excuse. I couldn't be a Jerry Springer guest if I wanted to be. My parents have been married 50 years this coming March. I had a fabulous childhood... and so did my friends because my parents are amazing. My parents lugged me and my friends everywhere for swimming, bass lessons, guitar lessons, band practice, church choir and youth group, curling, drama and plays, cottage week ends, parties and everything in between! My schedule as a kid was ridiculous, BUT it was my choice. No pressure from Mom and Dad...I just kept right on going. I like to be busy. I have great friends. I went to many parties and I have many wild and crazy adventures that I cannot discuss publicly! (I bet you Logan is sighing with relief right now! LOL!) I am also married to my soul mate and my stepkids ROCK!!! I have my own business and I work from home. I used to have plenty of reasons to blame my weight gain on. But now those excuses are all gone and I am left wondering what to do...I have nothing to blame! I have a fabulous life! So great family, wonderful friends, loads of good times= no excuses! So why on earth do I sabotage?

Lynn
;)

The Day I Sold My Metabolism

I met a new friend at the gym today. She asked me last night at aqua running to meet with her this morning for cardio. Thank God I committed to her, otherwise I wouldn't have went! I met Giselle at 10:30 and I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, 20 minutes on Elliptical and 30 minutes on the recumbent bike. I was soaked with sweat and I felt great for the rest of the day. The best part, was that it flew right by because we were chit chatting. It is amazing how hooking up with a friend to work out can be a fun event.

Exercising with a friend is great and so is dieting, if it is done the right way. I sold my metabolism to NUTRISYSTEM in 1991 for about $5000! That's right, that is the day I actually sold my metabolism and I have been desperately trying to get it back ever since. The day I walked in there I thought I was the fattest biggest hugest COW that ever walked. I was 193 pounds! I remember the 'before picture' from that day and I was absolutely disgusted!! I would KILL to be 193 pounds now. After NUTRISYSTEM I rolled over 200 pounds and kept right on going. I have never been below 200 pounds since!

I got extremely lucky. My childhood girlfriend Logan had joined NUTRISYSTEM and we decided to move in together. Our entire cupboard was full of everything NUTRISYSTEM. We were never tempted like most other people who have to diet and live with those 'freaks' who can eat whatever they want when they want. My favorite NUTRISYTEM meal back then was the macaroni tuna casserole. MMMMMMM! I bet that you are all drooling about it right now! I think Logan and I ate that astronaut-just-add-water delight about 4 times a week.

The best part of this time in my life was living with Logan on Horsefield Street. It was an amazing apartment! The heritage buildings were renovated and turned into apartments by Dominic Eden. He hand picked a variety of professionals who would make a cool mix in the common courtyard. Logan and I would get weighed on Fridays so we could cheat, drink and be merry! Every Friday we sipped on Moose light beer in the common courtyard, blared some tunes, smoked, and laughed and just chillaxed. The neighbors would sometimes gather in the courtyard with us. We had the gay hairdressers James and Paul, a naval officer Ken, a PR chick named Melissa, Dominic's mother-in law Marilyn, and some others I cannot recall. We'd end up going out somewhere clubbing and dancing and then stumble home hammered, sometimes crawling up Germain Street. I loved living in uptown Saint John! Then, the absolute BEST part of the night was JULIUS pizza at the corner of Horsefield and Charlotte Street. I would literally 'blow' somebody for a 12 " slice of that pizza right now!!!!! I am drooling just writing about it.

Here is the sad part of this story. I got down to an all time low of 167 pounds on NUTRISYSTEM. I remember Logan and I both had identical 'goal' jeans. They were brand named "Manager", sized 13 and I wish to God I still had them. (Logan more than likely does!!) They were kick ass jeans and we looked HOT in those!! Sadly, I still felt and thought I was a HUGE cow! I still remember my clothes feeling tight and being uncomfortable in my skin and self conscious about how fat I was...at 167 pounds! Can you imagine? This time around I am actually not obsessing with damn numbers. I have to focus on health, feeling better and looking better. I do look at the numbers on labels and that is important to control my sugars and lose weight. BUT, I am trying very hard to stop obsessing with the number on the scale and the size number on my clothing. It is a struggle living for a number...but all I remember is hitting that number on the scale and thinking I had to hit another better number. I was totally incapable of celebrating because of damned numbers! I remember years later looking at some pictures and I asked my friend "who is that?". IT WAS ME!! I am not kidding. I did not even recognize myself in a picture....and I had no recollection of ever looking that good...I was still dissatisfied. Is that tragic or what? I now know that weight loss success is avoiding any fast fix diets that require just adding water, taking supplements, 'speed' or denying entire food groups. The key is to not eat white stuff, eat fruits and veggies daily, lots of water and fiber and exercise! That's it. Pretty simple formula...and no numbers necessary.

Lynn
;)

Spice up your life...

Week 2- Weight- 258 pounds Body Fat-44.5%- Loss-2 pounds!!! 0.5% BF

Well, I did it! I finally had a loss! After 5 weeks stuck at 260 pounds my metabolism has finally kicked in! Hopefully! I am pleased to see some progress. I have been going to the gym religiously for 2 full weeks. Today I was just way too busy, so I worked out on my water rower. My water rower is a beautiful and sleek machine. It is made out of ash and has a double track seat. The resistance is provided by a rotating water well that is powered by you. It sounds and feels like you are really rowing on a river. I love it. I put on my bike shorts, sports bra, shades, visor and the fan on my face. Not a pretty sight right now but it will be! I crank up the ipod and party with Brittney. Last month I struggled to get in 30 minutes and got 700 strokes- 5km. I cannot believe what a difference a couple of weeks of regular exercise makes! Today I got to 900 strokes in 30 minutes and hit 6km distance! Yahoooo! Feeling good.

Tonight I went to an Epicure party. Because I am an Anglophone, living in a French world, I still have to do literal translation in my head before I speak French...so I was left scratching my head wondering what in hell a 'grocery store' party (epicerie) was all about!!! What would it involve and what would we do? Then, I wondered if it was like a pedicure, manicure kind of thing...and sometimes hair removal tools and potions and lotions start with 'epi' something. Then I got scared! Like are we all going to hang out and wax each other's birds or something????? If that was the case I was going to politely back out!! Then, I got thinking how I must have messed up the translation...as I have done this many times. One time as a flight nurse on NB AirCare, I flew a elderly man who was from Memramcook to Montreal. I have always had a very difficult time understanding the elderly from Memramcook when they speak French. I was intimidated and could barely piece together what this man was saying. There is also alot of noise on the plane as well so this makes translation even more difficult. The flight to Montreal was uneventful and it was an absolutely gorgeous day! The sky was a bright blue and the clouds were ultra white and puffy. Now don't worry if you do not speak French at this part because I will explain my kerfuffle in full shortly. My French speaking friends are going to laugh at me in 3,2,1...I turned to my patient and said " Gardez les belle mouchoirs!" Gardez Ca!" He gave me the weirdest glance. About 10 minutes passed, I smiled broadly and I said it again..."Gardez les belle mouchoirs!" He looked at me all squirrely and weird again. His behavior was odd...so I wrote on the patient's chart that he appeared confused!!! When we landed in Montreal I told the receiving paramedics that he was confused. I said my good byes to my patient...and he flinched like he was scared of me. I was like" thank God this trip is over...he is going totally pyscho now!" I figured he must have been a booze nipper and was slipping into withdrawl or something...maybe demented? As we boarded the plane to return to NB my nose became runny from the cold weather. I grabbed for a box and KLEENEX and realized instantly that KLEENEX is mouchoirs...not clouds!!!!!!!!!!!! I was the whacko! The patient was scared shitless of me because I was some nutty nurse telling him to look at the pretty kleenex all the way to Montreal! I decided for integrity sake (my integrity)...that the paramedics would figure out that he may have been confused but he wasn't anymore!!! I also learned that the French word for clouds is "nuages"!!

So, back to the Epicure party. When was first invited I had to Google it. It is a spice party! I am so pleased I went. This company offers wonderful spices and kitchen accessories. The best part is the tasting portion of the party...all of the samples were low fat and good choices...so I got to participate guilt free and I learned these spices were extremely delicious! Besides tasting we passed around various spices to sniff. I actually considered sniffing it through a straw!!! But then reconsidered as one of the attendees Janice described what the possible post sniffing ER visit explanation would sound like...so much for that idea. When the Tiramasu bottle came round I politely asked the party girl if she would mind if I stuck my tongue right in the bottle. Unfortunately, she said no. While I was side tracked...Janice says "Lynn you gotta smell this!" Normally I would quickly retract as this is typically a "wicked-smelling-fart-warning"...at least in my household!! She slipped 'orgasm in a jar' under my nose! I am not kidding! I had an instant physical reaction! I have read that some people have this 'problem' when they sneeze. I found out I have it with " hot buttered rum mix". It was a warm and oozy caramel dripping smell.....mmmmmmm. I was cross-eyes and couldn't think straight. I said "OMG Janice! You just made IT move!!!" Janice almost choked to death laughing! Sorry Janice! I am so glad that I went. We had a good time, a few glasses of wine and some great laughs! It was nice to chillax with the gals tonight!

Since I started working from home, I have slowly isolated myself from friends and social events. I was too busy working all the time for anything or anyone. I realized that if I was going to lose weight and work my way to fitness and health that socialization is crucial in achieving my goals. I promised myself to attend more events, accept coffee dates with friends, close the laptop when people call to chat and just pay more attention to people. I have made some friends at the gym, re-connected with some friends from work and high school, and my connect with family now more than ever. This small but mighty step has begun to fill that void I used to feed with food. So, spice up your life with friends and family regularly! Step outside that box...and maybe take some French lessons while your at it!

Lynn
;)

Micheal Phelps...eat my dust!!!

I had a fabulous workout in the pool tonight for my Tri Fit training. I did 80 laps in an hour. Some were freestyle 10(crawl) and some 10 breaststroke. We did 36 'pull' laps, which means placing a foam form between your knees so you can't use you legs...arms only with paddles for resistance. I feel like I flew from California! Holy moley are my arms ever sore! Then we did 20 laps with just legs and flippers. Wicked work out for the legs. The most wicked of all were the sprints! When I was told I had to do 2 full laps in less than 60 seconds 4 times I was scared! Whatever was left over in the minute was your break. If you went over the minute you had no break and had to keep going. I did 45 secs, 37 secs, 35 secs and then down to 32 seconds!!!!!!! I was blown away....surprised myself. I admit I swallowed half the pool and I almost puked from it but it was worth it!!! I have a goal now to do more sprints with less recovery time required. I am so proud of myself.

The key to my success tonight was two-fold. One is I am a fish and I love to be in the water. After a stressful day, swimming is the equivalent to taking a Valium to me. I have been swimming since I was 3 years old. I love it. The second key to my success was imagining that I was Micheal Phelps in his Olympic swim suit. I was swimming in the Olympic pool in the CUBE in China. I imagined the view from below and the view from above as many of seen on TV this summer. I even imagined the final touch before everybody else! I was completely shocked and proud of my stamina tonight! I honestly think I kicked Micheal Phelps ass!

Tomorrow morning is 'weigh in'. I am nervous. I have worked out everyday for the last 2 weeks. I have followed my diet to the letter. I even did the unthinkable! I went to a movie this week and did not eat popcorn...this was epic for me!! I enjoyed the movie and didn't get my usual heartburn, sweats and misery after eating a barrel of butter dripped popcorn and drinking a bucket of syrupy coke. I was so disheartened last week after a week of crazy exercise and following my diet (except having one Chinese cheat meal) and see the scales not move and the fat-o-meter tell me to DRIFT as well. I pray there is some progress as I fear for my resolve. I get so frustrated and heart broken. I am determined to get well. I must admit my sugars are the best they have been in ages, I sleep like a baby, drug free and I have much more energy. I know it is all good for me one way or another. But it still sucks having a shitty metabolism! I will keep you posted tomorrow on my progress. I am accepting any prayers anyone has to offer!!!

Lynn
;)

He ain't heavy...he's my brother!

I have a brother named Lloyd ( I call him Lloydie). Lloydie is 9 years my senior. Because of our age gap, I have very little memory of him as a child. My first clear memory is when I was about 3-4 years old. I crept from my warm bed, crawled in with him. I remember the dream I had as clear as if it were yesterday... I had a nice long pee. Unfortunately for Lloydie... I actually did have a nice long pee. Then, I crawled back into my dry bed. I have no recollection of the aftermath for him. Sorry Lloydie! I remember Lloyd and his friend Donnie having BB guns and that I had a crush on his friend Wally. The first time Mom and Dad entrusted our care ( me and sis) to Lloyd as a babysitter, a BIG ASS RAT decided to make an appearance. Yes a big ass rat showed up and Daddy was out dancing with Mom, so our knight in shining armor wasn't available. I was about 5 or 6, so that made Lori about 10 and Lloyd around 14. All I recall is my big brother huddled on top of the stove, literally squatting on it and squealing like a school girl. My sister had on big rubber boots and was armed with a broom fighting the damned monster rat, and I was doing what I do best...looking cute in PJ's and my thumb plunked in my mouth... kind of like that cute little 'who' Wendy Loo! I also remember, (and will never forget!!!), Lloyd and sister Lori taking great pleasure in locking my in the scary basement and tormenting the hell out of by telling me I was adopted. I was horrified and bawled my eyes out! Now as an adult I joke that I MUST be adopted because I couldn't possibly belong to this clan! LOL! Lloyd used to sit on me and tickle me for hours! To this day nobody is allowed to touch my feet in anyway due to this ticking trauma! In high school, Lloyd went on a Mediterranean Cruise and brought me back a funky purse from Turkey. I would kill to have that now...but it disappeared somewhere. Lloydie moved away to Ontario when I was 10. He went to school, found a wife and returned home 5 years later with a baby. I was not interested in babies or kids of any kind and I was in my own world. Normal for a 15 year old I guess but I wasn't nice or sociable with him. All he ever wanted was to be my friend but I was self absorbed, too busy, too something every time.

Let's fast forward. I successfully lost 50 pounds with Simply for Life (SFL) 4 years ago. I was running 4-5 km at least 3 times or more per week. I was looking great and feeling great. I discarded all my fat clothes and kissed that fat lard ass good bye for good! Well, as soon as I hit the 50 pound mark I abandoned my diet. My running partner moved away so I stopped running that very day...never ran again. I left my secure job at the hospital and started my own business. This gave me all the excuses in the world to gain all of the weight back plus 10 pounds for good luck, and of course there was no time for exercise or family or friends for all that matters. Lloyd kept reaching out... but again I was busy busy busy!! To make matters worse, I am a worry wart. So while I have my brother on the back burner at all times, I lie awake at night terrified he is going to die of a heart attack. I have done this for many years. Absolute terror that Lloydie would up and die on me...meanwhile I am not around and do not visit or call him at all while he is living. I would publicly crucify someone with that same behavior!!! What's up with that???

Our entire family is overweight and big. We have all struggled with our weight since birth. As soon as I see my mother I immediately want her home made mac and cheese, whoopee pies, home made bread, colored whippy 'guess-what's-in-this' jello concoctions, pickles and chocolate/butterscotch brownie cake SCORE bar trifle all at once!! Mix it together in a blender...and I will suck it all through a straw and lick the bowl!!! I am drooling right now! The worst hit by the burden of weight was Lloydie. He was close to 500 pounds. He was a prisoner in his fat. Lucky for Lloyd, I had tons of advice for him! I mean after all I lost 50 pounds right? I was a self appointed expert...I somehow forgot along the way I gained it all back plus 10! To add insult to injury, my brother endured patronizing from me on how to diet successfully and exactly what to do and how to get it done... non-stop. I told him about the 'diet du jour', tips on weight loss, gave him my notes from a dietitian and of course pushed SFL at him (even though I was no longer doing it). I gave him my recipes, books and just plain old 'sisterly lectures'. I also reiterated that his weight was going to kill him and begged him to do something.

Here is an IRONY ALERT!!!! I am now diabetic from my weight gain. I have developed intolerance to all things carbs and sugars. I sweat when I eat just about anything now related to my unstable sugars. I also have a new lactose intolerance, seafood sensitivity, new heartburn, I can't stay awake in the day and I lie awake all night. I now bloat up like a balloon when I eat bread. I am being tested for Celiac disease, and I SMOKE!!! If I were to go to McDonald's right now Iand scarf down a Big Ma combo, I would pass out into a diabetic coma for 4 hours and wake up in a sweat...as if I jumped in a lake...wet from head to toe...and feel like shit for the rest of the day. An egg salad sandwhich put me out for 2 hours yesterday. Oh yes, and for those of you who don't know me...I am a nurse (20 years) and I educate mainly about cardiac risk factors and disease prevention. I am also a hypocritical motivational speaker...my message is to 'Believe in Yourself". I must admit I literally get high making others feel great about themselves, but then secretly angry for being such a hypocrite!!!!Does it get any better? Isn't Lloydie lucky to have such an expert in the family?

At the end of February this year my brother joined SFL. He set a record of a 100 pound weight loss in less than 21 weeks!!! Now at week 29 he hast lost 130 pounds!!! He has done it by eating healthy and eating lots of good things, no crap. His wife, Elaine has lost almost 50 pounds as well. They both look smashing!!! Two months ago, Lloydie told me that since he started SFL he hasn't eaten 54 pounds of margarine, 50 loaves of bread, and 100 pounds of potatoes! Every week he calls himself the "Kitchen Bitch" and prepares his meals and snacks for the week. He lost a shitload of weight and I gained my old brother back!!! He is witty, charming, intelligent, handsome and has a hysterically funny sense of humor. He is an amazing human being. There are no words to describe how proud I am of him!!! I do not feel jealous at all, just extreme chest bursting adoration!!!

There are also no words for the shame I feel for denying him friendship or any of my time or all these years. This week, Lloyd reached out to me and offered me support. A shoulder to cry on, a chest to beat on...help. I really need it. I always prided myself on being a 'rock' and 'having it all together'. This fucked up sense of 'pride' has led me straight down into a big black hole. This week, my brother reached down from the stove top ( sorry Lloydie!! LOL) and pulled me out with his big strong arms. He gave me a virtual hug. I have to face the fact that I need help this time, and as usual Lloydie was there ready and waiting for me. He ain't heavy, he's my brother! Lloydie is just the best thing since...mm mm.... can't say sliced bread because that is the ENEMY... Lloydie is just the best! I adore you and I need you big brother. I love you to bits! Thanks for throwing me that life preserver!

Love you Lloydie,
Lynn
;)

Lynn
;)