Don't Shower on Weigh Day!!!

Weight 259.5 Body Fat 44.6%- Weight Gain 0.5 pounds, Body Fat up 0.1%

My 100 pound journey is off to an "caterpillar-esque" start. In fact, the journey so far reminds me of those ping pong paddles with the rubber ball attached with a string. "Fly be free!" then back to the paddle for a "SMACK!" Over and over. Yes folks I gained again!!! Unfortunately I cannot say I don't know why...Saturday I had pizza!! My exercise is still going on everyday and going strong, sometimes twice a day. BUT, the fat-o-meter confirms it is FAT, not muscle. If am going to cheat at all...I might as well tape the pizza or offending VIOLATION directly on my ass, rather than eat it.

I also hit the painful reality today (that would be a SMACK moment on the paddle). My little weigh-day antics really don't make a difference either! My regimen is similar to those psycho BINGO babes who have their bingo blotters blessed by the priest, line up their trolls ( the ugly dolls with out of control neon hair ... and their kids) and who grow beards...oh wait a minute...they can't help that! Well, I have a weigh-day regimen that is comparably insane. Let's review some of my irrational weigh day beliefs!

1. No showering on weigh day- I shower the night before, so the water molecules in my gazillion pores can evaporate!! My gal pal at coffee contradicted this theory this morning...she says dirt would weigh more than water...so I will be showering and exfoliating for next week weigh-in!

2. No moisturizing_ I use Palmer's cream which contributes to my "creamy creamy dreamy beach smelling skin". I skip this luxury on weigh-day because it will add mass!

3. If God is good...he will let me poop!- I am sure on some days that I 'lose' at least 10 pounds!!! However, coffee gal pal has also shattered this belief of mine. She told me that she weighed 'before' and 'after' with no difference on the scales, not even a millionth of an ounce! Damn!

4. Always get weighed in the morning- All of us fighting the battle of the bulge understand that over the course of a day you gain 10 pounds from gravity, pollution in your pores, hair spray and that heavy fibre cereal that you ate for breakfast.

5. Clothes weigh at least 10 pounds!- Unfortunately for me, I get weighed at a public place, so my little dietitian Judy (the same psycho who recommends eating half of a banana instead of a whole one- I said monkeys don't eat half a banana lady!) will not allow me to strip off to my thong! I did OK in the summer but now that it's cold I look odd wearing a bathing suit and flip fops with a heavy Fall jacket and scarf!

6. No salt or sodium based anything the day before- I don't know about you, but if I even smell salt I bloat up like the stay puff marshmallow man!

7. Begging God for a 'break'- This does not work at all. You can ask God for spiritual guidance, motivation, even a spiritual kick in the ass, but he laughs his ass off when you ask for forgiveness or a "break" on the scales! In fact, I am pretty sure he had a belly laugh at me today as I approached the monstrous beast of a scale! God is in fact everywhere, this morning he put his foot on the scales while I was on them!

8. "This won't hurt a bit"- How on earth do we continue to fall for this? You know it's going to hurt like hell at the dentist when they say that! You know the nurse is about to jab you with a big ass needle when she says this. So, why on earth do we let our brains convince us that eating 4 slices of orgasmic ooey gooey pizza with melted orgasmic cheese on top...isn't going to hurt a bit?

9. If you eat with your eyes closed the calories don't count- I don't think I need to explain this irrational but soothing excuse! Those of you who have "been there" already know.

10. Keeping a food diary expedites weigh loss- FALSE- I just realized that if you don't record every morsel in your mouth this does not work. Did you know that writing down that you ate fruit... and leaving out the angel food cake and chocolate fondue part...does not work either! This is unacceptable!! LOL!

I hope that you take away some new found knowledge from my weigh-day regimen. I sure had a great laugh at myself! (I'm sorry BINGO ladies!)

"Weebles wobble but they don't fall down!!!"

Lynn
;)