Thanksgiving...The DARK side!

Thanksgiving, Christmas and any other function that involves publicly eating with a 'group' are hellish holidays for me. My entire family is big. For as long as I can remember all of us have fallen subject to the most ignorant and insensitive remarks from family, friends and STRANGERS! My brother was nick-named "moose", my dad has always been referred to as "BIG EV" (his name is Everett), and as for Mom, Sis and myself we have been lucky to escape nick-names...we only get unpredictable and random insults.

There is a tremendous disadvantage when you wear your pain (fat) on the outside... people take free reign to make unwelcome and rude comments as they see fit. One of my most traumatizing memory of fat remarks was at my grandmother's funeral. My Dad's mother, the most amazing and loving soul, was the center of our universe. My grieving Dad was standing beside his dead mother's casket and one of the most infamously ignorant guests said "My goodness Everett, you're so BIG... if somebody pricked your belly with a pin it would blow all over the room like a balloon!!" What the hell was she thinking? How on earth do these people live with themselves? To this day I want to suffocate the pudgy old witch with an overstuffed dinner roll and poke her in the belly with a rusty pin!

Many years ago, I was heart-broken to learn that my parents do not eat at gatherings of any kind... EVER! They eat a meal before they go, and do NOT touch any food at public gatherings. I asked my Dad why he does this...and he told me people stare, point and/or make rude comments. I thought my Dad was over-reacting...until I became victim myself more times than I would like to recall. One time, I was suckered into going to a shower with a group that had pelted me with many ignorant comments before. So, like my parents... I decided to eat before this stressful event and not touch any of the food! When the potato salad was presented the host loudly stated " make sure everybody gets some before you get into it Lynn". I desperately tried to recall the 'get together' where I stole the barrel full of potato salad from the starving African orphans and licked it freaking clean... leaving the orphans to die of starvation!! Somebody must have slipped a "roofie" in that vat of potato salad while I blindly gorged on it...because I cannot recall that particular event at all!! I made a point to only drink water and coffee for the entire shower. When I went into the kitchen to fill my water glass another guest whom I have never met loudly said " Now don't you eat all that cake...that's for the guest of honor!" I answered "Damn it! I was just about to put my face right in it and lick it all clean...now what am I going to do?" I left without looking back. Sadly this event is not an exceptional day, it has become a 'normal' occurrence in my life and has happened more times than I can count.

Nobody has any right to say mean comments to anyone... but for some reason this 'curse' follows me everywhere I go. One Christmas, at my ex boyfriend's house, I was served Christmas dinner on a small salad plate while the rest of the people around the table ( about 12) ate from large plates. My boyfriend's mother proudly announced to all that I would feel fuller quicker. I tried act grateful for her 'thoughtfulness'...I also tried desperately not to cry. The saddest thing about that day, besides the OBVIOUS elephant in the room, was that I was 70 pounds lighter than I am now! I was actually at my present goal weight...and still treated like some gorging fat beast! The good news is, that this behavior was 'routine' banter with this group too. So, I was thrilled that I was prepared for such an insult. I had a suitcase with a 'fake' bottom that I layered with chips, dip, chocolate bars and cigarettes! Every night of our stay at his folks that week, I slipped away for a bath. I sneak-smoked out the window while the tub ran...and giggled and laughed at how brilliant I was. Then, I had my own secret feast. I remember smugly chipping and dipping whilst sitting in the tub....smiling and proclaiming " I am so SMART! I win!" Yes, I won...right? WRONG!

Another ignoramus had the balls to tell me she was "shocked" to learn that my husband and I were married...to each other! My husband is a gorgeous little French man with the 'sweetest ass' I ever squeezed! She went on to say she thought we were 'just good friends' because he is so gorgeous and I was ... so BIG! This 'dumb ass' actually thought she was complimenting me on how 'in love' we were. To add insult to injury she then went on to tell me that she has been a bridesmaid many times and cannot understand why fat brides always have skinny bridesmaids in their wedding. This camel-toed-trashy-ditch-pig with fried dirty hair and a squidgy... was TOTALLY serious!!!! So, with a wide grin I answered "You obviously have never heard of the fat girl code of weddings ... all of us fat girls around the world made a pact to select the homliest chicks for bridesmaids that we possibly can so we will stand out and look stunning on our day...that is why you've been in so many weddings." The dumb-ass was perplexed and nodded "oh". I walked away and left her to figure out that puzzle on her own. This was at least 5 years ago, and she is still sitting at the bar scratching her head wondering why I won't speak to her.

Sadly for me, I have to make plans ahead of time and eat before I 'roll out' of the house this week end. As Thanksgiving approaches for me... I can only think back to the good old Brownie's motto "Be Prepared"... with resentment...not with a heart full of gratefulness.

Lynn
;)